Women use affairs for trading up
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Anonymous
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"It might disturb a man to realise that his wife carries a mate-insurance policy, harbours sexual fantasies about her co-worker, or has ‘just a friend’ who is his rival." "Another clue is that people rarely reveal to their regular partners that they consider someone a back-up mate. ‘We are just friends’ is a common refrain. But being ‘just friends’ is also a tactic used by poachers trying to lure someone away from a long-term mateship. Back-up mates often conceal their own mating motivations." https://aeon.co/essays/does-the-mate-switching-hypothesis-explain-female-infidelity |
Anonymous
| That sounds like it was written by an incel who’s spent too much time in his mom’s basement. |
Anonymous
| So much wasted research money. Women and men have affairs to feel wanted, alive, heard/listened to, to feel like their short life truly matters to someone. Usually, they don’t feel this way at home, OR, something is wrong with them and they refuse to believe they matter to their mate, who is probably also struggling with similar questions while juggling a million modern adult obligations. So, when a cute coworker or friend starts paying attention, it’s a slippery, slippery slope… |
Anonymous
But studies over many years do show a difference between the sexes when it comes to cheating. Women are much, MUCH more likely to be doing it with hopes of an exit affair. Only 30% respond that their marriages are happy or that they are in love with their husbands. While men, it's the opposite. Over 65% surveyed responded that they were 'very happy' in their marriages. Men use it to boost their esteem midlife or variety sex they think nobody will find out about after 20+ years with the same woman. They aren't looking to leave. And they often affair down. |
Anonymous
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Title of thread should read: Women use affairs to TRY and trade up. |
Anonymous
Directly from the article cited above: A few lines of evidence support the notion that infidelity serves a mate-switching function for women. First, women who initiate affairs are much more likely to suffer from marital dissatisfaction than women who do not. This might seem blindingly obvious, but the same studies show that men who have affairs do not, in fact, differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. Second, women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. These critical sex differences point to dramatically different functional reasons for male and female infidelity. For women especially, they point to the mate-switching function. |
Anonymous
Correct. It rarely ever works out for them. "Women are much more likely than men to become emotionally involved with, and to fall in love with, their affair partners. Roughly 70 per cent of women report doing so, in contrast to only 30 per cent of men. Moreover, women are more likely to cite emotional involvement as a reason for the affair. Men are more likely to cite pure sexual pleasure. They have a 2% chance. Risking blowing up their lives for 2%. |
Anonymous
Also eye-opening: Men who have affairs don't differ from those who abstain from affairs in their levels of marital happiness. This blows people's minds when men say they love their wives and marriages...yet cheat. But, studies show it is not only likely, but most of the time. |
Anonymous
| Not sure how useful general statistics are when it comes to individual situations. My little brother is in deep with his affair partner who is happy in her marriage and loves her spouse. I’m not cool with cheating, but given he’s being more than fair to my SIL in their divorce plus the woman he loves isn’t leaving her husband, I haven’t laid into him as much as I’ve been tempted. He already seems to be getting his just desserts. |
Anonymous
Is your brother still in the affair? It’s written in present tense but presumably the AP’s husband would not like this? |
Anonymous
Yes, he’s still in the affair (on his end). AP is in an open marriage. |
Anonymous
Your brother needs his head examined. Gross. |
Anonymous
| Biologically, men like to impregnate many women. Women like to be impregnated rarely. The rest follows from that. Modern birth control reduces the breeding rate but not the sexual desire that underlies breeding attempts. |
Anonymous
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Every single one of my friends who has been divorced (many at my age!) are looking or have looked to "marry up". It is no mystery.
I am not saying it is the right or smart thing to do, nor am I saying that they don't walk into worse problems (including their new DH's kids, some grown, but still problematic!) I think sometimes women see dollar signs, and we as women, are not supposed to talk about it, but it is common for some women to just be about the money. Read some of the posts here. If I were a guy, I would be extremely careful who I married. |
Anonymous
I am not the OP but, believe it or not, this is a lot more common than you realize, especially as we get older. |