The line between helicoptering and dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Starting at 7 or 8 I would make my kids a list including little checkboxes (that they would come bring me once they’d checked everything off) and after a year or 2 of that I turned them loose. They very occasionally will forget their toothpaste and I still will stay stuff like “make sure you bring flip flops” sometimes but I do think starting with the checklists helped them become good packers.

I still use checklists when I pack, and teaching my kid to do the same. Now she helps make the list, then packs herself.

[Anonymous]

I use a list, and I’ve taught my kids to do the same.

It’s ridiculous to make your kid wash underwear at night when Target is around the corner. Ironically, years ago my cousin forgot her underwear when we went on vacation. She had to wash her underwear every night. Nearly 30 years later I wonder why we just didn’t go to K-Mart and buy some.

My kids know that there are some thing we can’t buy on vacation - medicine, contact lenses, etc. If they forget something else, they have money and so do I. Caveat is that my kids are generally not careless or forgetful so that is factored in.

[Anonymous]

Why are these the two options? Helicopter parent or let them fail? What a crazy idea.

Moderation is always the answer.

[Anonymous]

It's a progression, with a goal of ultimate independence.

How much I'd check a packed bag depends on the stakes. A driving trip to a populated area with tons of stores and flexibility in timing. They pack themselves. An Arctic voyage to a remote outpost where forgetting gloves means frostbite at best? We work together.

Bag checking we often coordinate as a family and sometimes share one big bag to check. Everyone else is supposed to have all crucial items, basic toiletries, and at least one full change of clothes in their carryon along with comfortable walking shoes (not just flip flops).

[Anonymous]

I don't think my parents ever taught me how to pack and yet somehow I was able to pack as an adult. This was mainly because we rarely took family vacations. I worry about preparing my kids for many aspects of adulthood, bit packing isn't really one of them.

I tend to pack for my kids (13 and 11) for situations when it would be expensive or a pain if they forgot something (ski trips are a good example of this). If we are driving to the beach for a week, I'll give them a duffle bag and ask them to fill it with some shorts, tee shirts and bathing suits.

[Anonymous]

I would decide whether bags get checked or not. Not sure about the rest.

[Anonymous]

There’s an in between, OP. Instead of telling them what they need to do, which is controlling, you have a discussion and ask what they plan to do. And yes, if they need something that’s going to be essential to your enjoyment of the trip, then you make sure that they have that. But otherwise, they get to choose and live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

I send my 16YO boy a list of things to pack. He does the rest himself. I haven’t sent a list to my 18YO girl since she was about 15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not helpful for your teens if you do the thinking for them. If they didn’t pack enough underwear, it’s their problem to sort out (the solution isn’t buy new underwear). They can wash in a sink and hang dry. Have them figure out the soap situation.

I’m not necessarily disagreeing with you, but i have boys who wouldn’t even see not enough underwear and no soap as a problem. Wear the same ones, shower without or with whatever the hotel has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not helpful for your teens if you do the thinking for them. If they didn’t pack enough underwear, it’s their problem to sort out (the solution isn’t buy new underwear). They can wash in a sink and hang dry. Have them figure out the soap situation.

I forgot to pack my underwear when we went to visit my parents a few years ago. I bought some there. That’s the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are these the two options? Helicopter parent or let them fail? What a crazy idea.

Moderation is always the answer.

This is my view as well.

Guidance tailored to the situation and the stakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the difference is teaching kids at age-appropriate times in their lives and then letting them take the lead. So maybe you pack for them when they're young, then explain it to them how you decide how many outfits to pack in elementary school, then have them lay out what they want to take in mid-late elementary and by 7th or 8th grade, they know how to pack for themselves.

This. I'd always packed my kids, but this summer I realized they were old enough to help a lot more with this process. They are 6 and 9. The 9 year old packed herself for the beach (admittedly, this is easy, mostly bathing suits and pajamas) and followed a list I gave her. 6 year old did it with me telling him what to grab, but him making all the choices.

For a European trip I might be more hands on because it's different than going to the beach in the car. You want to pack for the weather and activities. But beyond some general advice (bring a warm layer, some pants, comfortable walking shoes), I would not be double checking a teenagers bag. I would tell them if they are allowed to check a bag or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

I don't feel like either approach is helicoptering or dropping the rope. And I also think this is a really weird thing to be worked up about.

+1 The name-calling on both sides is crazy. So, there, now I've resorted to name-calling myself. Sometimes you all on DCUM need to take a chill pill. Believe me, this is not the hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

Jesus. Your smugness is annoying AF.

[Anonymous]

I don’t pack for teens that are not special needs. I explain to small kids how to pack, go over the process several times when they are young and then you’re on your own. For examples, always pack a extra days worth of clothes/underwear just in case. Think through activities and events and be sure you’ve included appropriate attire. It may be easier to lay it all out on the bed so you can see/count easily during your final check. If you’re doing overseas travel, you would explain the importance of always having at least one days worth of clothes in your carry-on. Etc,etc. By fourth grade I’m merely double checking what you laid out or packed or I’m just verbally running down the checklist with the kid. Teens: Trips is x days long, this is what is going on, we’re leaving a lot x time.

If you can’t pack for yourself by the time you are a teen you either don’t need to go anywhere (including to Grandma’s house) or you’re going to get real good at dealing with problems from failure to pack appropriately. Some people need to learn the hard way.