The line between helicoptering and dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

I think you are coming at this from a place of "If I don't explicitly teach them, they won't learn" which isn't always true. As with anything I think it depends on your children as individuals. If I gave my kid a list and tried to guide him, he would be borderline offended. He has packed for all our trips since he was 10 and rarely forgets something important. Other kids may like or want guidance. Ultimately there is no one correct way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teenagers don't know that checked bags routinely don't show up with you in your vacation place. They don't have the money to replace everything they need while they wait for their bags to be delivered.

Prevent problems by parenting. I really think that lots of people don't have the energy to parent/teach how to adult and then try to reframe their laziness as "not being a helicopter" or whatever.

And plenty of parents reframe their anxiety or control issues as "being a parent"
( I have identified this in myself at times)

[Anonymous]

My kids have been packing for themselves since they were 7 or 8. Yes, one of them forgot underwear once and that was a bit of an issue. But the result is that by the time they were teenagers (long before actually) they were fully self-sufficient.

You learn by being allowed to make mistakes.

Better to make those mistakes early.

We have not been perfect parents and there are many things I wish I had done differently. But when I see how independent and capable my kids are compared with others their age, I think this encouraging of self-sufficiency is one thing we did right.

[Anonymous]

My kid has packed for himself, including international vacations, since he was 8. I don’t remember him ever forgetting anything he really needed. I might let him know what weather to plan for and whether or not he needs swimming trunks, but that’s about it. I think it also depends on the kid. I wouldn’t mind shelling out for extra socks or whatever if he forgot something.

I’ve also never lost a piece of luggage, and I’ve traveled a lot and usually check a bag. I think DCUM posters overestimate how often that happens.

Do what you’re comfortable with and let other people do them. Neither of these examples are going to make or break a child’s chance of turning into a functional adult.

[Anonymous]

Bags are not necessarily forever lost. They just get delayed. It got worse when COVID hit.

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/lost-luggage-airports-missing-bags-b2340454.html
https://thepointsguy.com/news/lost-baggage-report-2022/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

I don't feel like either approach is helicoptering or dropping the rope. And I also think this is a really weird thing to be worked up about.

[Anonymous]

I think of myself as a pretty hands off parent, but no way would have let my 8-yr-old pack his own bag or decide whether to check it or not at that age, especially for international travel where I didn't have family/friends who could lend him everything he forgot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

I don't feel like either approach is helicoptering or dropping the rope. And I also think this is a really weird thing to be worked up about.

I think there is a lot more going on between OP and this friend

[Anonymous]

I don’t think any of these packing scenarios are going to make a difference either way, probably both are fine and you don’t need to obsess over whether you did the packing parenting right.

[Anonymous]

Starting at 7 or 8 I would make my kids a list including little checkboxes (that they would come bring me once they’d checked everything off) and after a year or 2 of that I turned them loose. They very occasionally will forget their toothpaste and I still will stay stuff like “make sure you bring flip flops” sometimes but I do think starting with the checklists helped them become good packers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

I don't feel like either approach is helicoptering or dropping the rope. And I also think this is a really weird thing to be worked up about.

Agree. There are lots of approaches to parenting, lots of different kinds of kids, and lots of circumstances. It takes me long enough to weight the pros and cons of different parenting things in my own head; I'm certainly not about to start crowd sourcing it.

Maybe OP's felt judged by her friend and is wondering if she's wrong? Or maybe the friend is just annoyingly condescending and OP wants to vent about her a bit?

[Anonymous]

I am an extremely hands off parent. My girls started packing for themselves when they were around 8-9. I gave them an idea of what they should take and they went from there. Sure there were times they forgot underwear, or a swimsuit. It's a learning lesson for next time. My 14 DS still asks me what he should take and I give him a verbal list. Sometimes he still wants me to check after he's done. Every kid is different.

I let my kids do most things on their own. They've been doing their own laundry since they were young tweens. My older 2 are now in college and they've told me many stories of their friends who are completely clueless on how to do basic things. I feel like I've raised them so that they can function as an adult with the most basic things. Now more complicated things-insurance, car maintenance, yes, they still need help with those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not helpful for your teens if you do the thinking for them. If they didn’t pack enough underwear, it’s their problem to sort out (the solution isn’t buy new underwear). They can wash in a sink and hang dry. Have them figure out the soap situation.

+ 1. Sometimes teaching our kids to be independent and think for themselves is more work for us, say if you actually have to buy underwear due to lost luggage. But ultimately, it's a better way for them to learn.

[Anonymous]

The example is not a good one because you (the family) either check bags or don’t. I don’t think there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s a preference. I guess idc if i have to shop for something on a trip because travel is challenging and unpredictable.

I guess I’m more like your friend because I don’t consider that “dropping the rope,” which is pretty rude to say/think about a purported friend.

[Anonymous]

I'm OP and I thought that dropping the rope is something that parents brag about? Not meant as an insult. It's supposed to be the oppose of and the positive side of the spectrum to the helicopter approach, isn't it?