The line between helicoptering and dropping the rope

[Anonymous]

I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

[Anonymous]

I hovered on the packing (or did it myself) up until about age 12. After that, I encouraged list-making and asked questions before leaving home,(You got toothpaste? Etc.) but didn’t help or look in their suitcases otherwise. I’ve forgotten to pack underwear twice in the last year, though, so I’m not sure how many times it takes forgetting something to do better next time.

[Anonymous]

I think the difference is teaching kids at age-appropriate times in their lives and then letting them take the lead. So maybe you pack for them when they're young, then explain it to them how you decide how many outfits to pack in elementary school, then have them lay out what they want to take in mid-late elementary and by 7th or 8th grade, they know how to pack for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the difference is teaching kids at age-appropriate times in their lives and then letting them take the lead. So maybe you pack for them when they're young, then explain it to them how you decide how many outfits to pack in elementary school, then have them lay out what they want to take in mid-late elementary and by 7th or 8th grade, they know how to pack for themselves.

+1 it's a process. I'd say by 8th grade I was not involved in packing except to let them know when we did not intend to check bags. I'll tell them the destinations and expectations re weather and any special events (e.g. we're taking Grandma out to dinner so bring something other than shorts and track pants!)

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old just packed for 2 weeks abroad and (separately) 1 week in California independently. We looked at the weather, talked about activities we would do, and then I let him go. I checked (uhh, child, you forgot a toothbrush!) but he did a great job for the most part.

[Anonymous]

I hovered but at 14 I let my kid pack himself for a week+ Europe trip. He did great. We all discussed items and had family reminders/discussions, and we discussed what to check. I helped him weigh it. But he made choices, re allocated after weighing, and did great. Not perfect but great.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 13 and 15. We just went on a week lake vacation. I sent them a text message that said “have your bags packed and in the entrance way by 8pm. We’ll have a washer, and do laundry, so you only need a few outfits. Nothing fancy planned. Don’t forget sunglasses and hat. I’m bringing towels and sunscreen for the family so you don’t need that.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 9 year old just packed for 2 weeks abroad and (separately) 1 week in California independently. We looked at the weather, talked about activities we would do, and then I let him go. I checked (uhh, child, you forgot a toothbrush!) but he did a great job for the most part.

I’m in the same place with my 11 year old. She can generally pack herself but then usually comes and asks me to run through a list with her just to double check. This comes from practice with me when she was younger.

[Anonymous]

I let our teens pack their own luggage. In middle school, I would give it a double check. You packed socks and underwear? No? Add some, or whatever.

In high school, it is up to them if we are traveling domestically or to Europe. You brought one pair of socks? Maybe we'll see some in a shop. Or hit Target (domestically). They probably need new socks by the middle of summer for the new school year, anyway.

Our kids tend to pack light on clothes anyway because they want to buy t-shirts and other souvenirs.

[Anonymous]

It’s not helpful for your teens if you do the thinking for them. If they didn’t pack enough underwear, it’s their problem to sort out (the solution isn’t buy new underwear). They can wash in a sink and hang dry. Have them figure out the soap situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not helpful for your teens if you do the thinking for them. If they didn’t pack enough underwear, it’s their problem to sort out (the solution isn’t buy new underwear). They can wash in a sink and hang dry. Have them figure out the soap situation.

Well, if I forgot underwear the solution is TOTALLY to buy new underwear. We all make mistakes. If it is repeatedly occurring that is another story/they can buy their own. I showed up in my hometown for my grandmother's funeral sans dress shoes. I had one pair of running shoes that wore on the plane and a pair of flip flops. You can bet I went to DSW and got a pair of dress shoes.

I text them a packing list (socks, underwear shorts, dress outfit, etc) and then they go from there.

[Anonymous]

"
It’s not helpful for your teens if you do the thinking for them."

Totally disagree. So much of adulting is conforming to social norms that are abstract. These things have to be taught. There is no natural law that says you can't wear sneakers to your grandma's funeral, but it's something we adults in the USA don't do.
Why make your kid's life harder by not taking the time/making the effort to teach them?

[Anonymous]

Teenagers don't know that checked bags routinely don't show up with you in your vacation place. They don't have the money to replace everything they need while they wait for their bags to be delivered.

Prevent problems by parenting. I really think that lots of people don't have the energy to parent/teach how to adult and then try to reframe their laziness as "not being a helicopter" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teenagers don't know that checked bags routinely don't show up with you in your vacation place. They don't have the money to replace everything they need while they wait for their bags to be delivered.

Prevent problems by parenting. I really think that lots of people don't have the energy to parent/teach how to adult and then try to reframe their laziness as "not being a helicopter" or whatever.

+1. If you show them how to do something properly with you several times, they will learn how to do it properly and various not-obvious pieces of info like considerations about checked luggage. They’re not mind readers and they don’t actually have to fail in order to learn how to succeed. I agree there are a lot of parents who love to brag on here about how little they do for their kids. They don’t cook for them, they don’t transport them in a downpour, etc. I think kids can turn out totally functional even if they have parents who show them love and care through support and kindness and involvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was just chatting with a friend about how she didn't insist on teaching her two daughters how to pack for airplane travel when they were teens, whereas I gave mine a generic packing list and told them explicitly multiple times what activities we'd be doing and what gear/type of clothing they'd need for that. I let them pack their own bag, but I gave clear instructions about what to include. I also insisted on selecting the luggage they'd take, and I didn't allow them to check big suitcases if the rest of us were not doing that. My friend laughed and said that her daughters learned the lesson about not checking bags the hard way when their luggage to Paris was delayed for five days on a 7-day trip.

I would rather be the insistent, hovering parent who doesn't have to waste my travel days shopping for underwear and replacement clothing, not to mention waste my money. And I'd like to feel I sent my kid into adulthood with some basic skills and common sense about how to function in the world.

How do other people handle life lessons like this? Is it a battle you don't feel is worth fighting, or do you see it as part of prepping them for adulthood?

I am like you, and my SIL is like your friend. So what ends up happening is I always have to pack extra everything because I know my nieces and SIL will hit me up for tampons and swim goggles and Dramamine and bandaids, etc. Every time. I can’t stand taking time out of vacation to go find stuff they forgot to pack.