My brother’s divorce and custody issues

[Anonymous]

You have no idea what’s going on. Stay out of it. If your brother is really so upset then he knows what he can do. I’m guessing he’s putting on a show bc you are there.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is not the hero in this situation. He is the bad guy. He doesn’t bother to build a relationship with his kid and blames it all on the mom. And then when his family is around he wants to be super dad but guess what? His DD spends no time with him alone bc he doesn’t want to deal with a little kid bc it takes patience, effort and it’s not always fun. So he blames the mom saying that she insists. Does he FaceTime his DD daily or ever? Come by and take out for dinner during the week?Anything?

And can you stop idolizing your brother for a moment and consider your niece? She is 4.5 and now she is told she has to go spend the nights with a house full of strangers who she doesn’t know. Everything is unfamiliar. She is scared but she doesn’t how to voice it. Think about night- all of a sudden she is a strange house, with people who are strangers to her, it’s dark and she has nothing familiar near her and the house makes little noises and she see shadows form light. It can all be very overwhelming and scary for a little kid. And who cares if you are family - she doesn’t know you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is not the hero in this situation. He is the bad guy. He doesn’t bother to build a relationship with his kid and blames it all on the mom. And then when his family is around he wants to be super dad but guess what? His DD spends no time with him alone bc he doesn’t want to deal with a little kid bc it takes patience, effort and it’s not always fun. So he blames the mom saying that she insists. Does he FaceTime his DD daily or ever? Come by and take out for dinner during the week?Anything?

And can you stop idolizing your brother for a moment and consider your niece? She is 4.5 and now she is told she has to go spend the nights with a house full of strangers who she doesn’t know. Everything is unfamiliar. She is scared but she doesn’t how to voice it. Think about night- all of a sudden she is a strange house, with people who are strangers to her, it’s dark and she has nothing familiar near her and the house makes little noises and she see shadows form light. It can all be very overwhelming and scary for a little kid. And who cares if you are family - she doesn’t know you.

You are really off base here. No need to be nasty also. Thanks, but please move on since you have no clue.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone who gave helpful and constructive comments. My niece is with us for another 3 days and mom works so she won’t intrude into dad’s time.
She is really happy now playing with her cousins whom she knows well. Hopefully once she is a little older and the dust has settled a little more these kind of things won’t happen again.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the brother is used to the women in his life telling him what to do and that is why he is passive and unwilling to discuss what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mom is wrong obviously and your brother needs to tell her that. She can not visit during his 2. weeks unless invited. If she is concerned that she is not well cared for that needs to be addressed via custody agreement.

Thank you. No, she is not worried about her daughter being properly cared for, but she thinks it’s best for her daughter to have continuity of care and that it’s bad for her daughter to go from spending most days with her to spending 1 full week away. My niece spends up to 2 full days with my brother twice a month so she is used to being with dad.

What can my brother do? He can’t forbid his ex wife to come to a public beach where we are staying.

Thanks!

Don't tell the mom. Unless there is a written, court-ordered requirement to keep mom informed of the child's whereabouts at all times your brother just needs to inform her a lot less.

The child's mother is being very intentional here. I suggest your brother seek advice from an attorney or a therapist on how to enforce his custody time with the least negative affect to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did he tell Mom where you were staying?

I'm divorced and always know where my kids are sleeping when they're off with their dad. If he's taking them on a trip I know the flight info and where they're staying (name and address of hotel/air bnb/whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they have no firm agreement, so the mom is trying to keep with their usual routine which is that she doesn't go more than a few days without seeing her mother. And the dad wants to have a different routine on vacation.

It's going to be a rocky road co-parenting if they can't have an adult conversation about this kind of thing. OP, if your brother wants more time, maybe he should volunteer to do more of the weeknight tedium and not just the fun parts.

OP here. My brother would love more time during the week, but the mom thinks/want her daughter to have a more stable life now that she is so young and my brother agreed to it.

Both work FT and don’t have a nanny (maybe the mom does a bit, but I am not sure). My niece goes to FT school and does aftercare often so she is basically out of the house all day.

I may be wrong here, but I think the mom does not want to lose control and perhaps regrets her affair and wants to try and get back together. I know she asked ny brother to take a vacation the 3 of them together… he does not talk much to me and gets upset if I ask questions so I could be totally wrong.

Your brother needs to start the proceedings with a lawyer, stat. And demand 50/50 custody. She is creating co-dependency and has shown that she is unreasonable—by showing up unannounced. She’s also setting up a dangerous precedent, so he needs to make it legal.

My brother was in a similar situation m, being the nice guy, and didn’t want to file until a lawyer friend convinced him he was en route to losing his kids. He did and got 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone who gave helpful and constructive comments. My niece is with us for another 3 days and mom works so she won’t intrude into dad’s time.
She is really happy now playing with her cousins whom she knows well. Hopefully once she is a little older and the dust has settled a little more these kind of things won’t happen again.

I’m op and just reading thread…you all are in for a rude awakening. Do you know if she takes dd somewhere else in the country, he may have to move to see her? She has shown she’s used to getting her way and if she files first, she could make it very, very difficult for him.

[Anonymous]

Sorry - that was not op above. It was supposed to read “pp”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mom is wrong obviously and your brother needs to tell her that. She can not visit during his 2. weeks unless invited. If she is concerned that she is not well cared for that needs to be addressed via custody agreement.

Thank you. No, she is not worried about her daughter being properly cared for, but she thinks it’s best for her daughter to have continuity of care and that it’s bad for her daughter to go from spending most days with her to spending 1 full week away. My niece spends up to 2 full days with my brother twice a month so she is used to being with dad.

What can my brother do? He can’t forbid his ex wife to come to a public beach where we are staying.

Thanks!

Phooey! It's a control issue and she should have been shown the door. The question is why was she even told where they were staying?

[Anonymous]

It was inappropriate for her to show up. It would also be inappropriate for you to show up during her parenting time.

Obviously there are cases when you should both show up (sports events, concerts, ceremonies, etc). But this doesn’t sound like one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is not the hero in this situation. He is the bad guy. He doesn’t bother to build a relationship with his kid and blames it all on the mom. And then when his family is around he wants to be super dad but guess what? His DD spends no time with him alone bc he doesn’t want to deal with a little kid bc it takes patience, effort and it’s not always fun. So he blames the mom saying that she insists. Does he FaceTime his DD daily or ever? Come by and take out for dinner during the week?Anything?

And can you stop idolizing your brother for a moment and consider your niece? She is 4.5 and now she is told she has to go spend the nights with a house full of strangers who she doesn’t know. Everything is unfamiliar. She is scared but she doesn’t how to voice it. Think about night- all of a sudden she is a strange house, with people who are strangers to her, it’s dark and she has nothing familiar near her and the house makes little noises and she see shadows form light. It can all be very overwhelming and scary for a little kid. And who cares if you are family - she doesn’t know you.

Dad took child on vacation and mom shows up uninvited. He is in the right, she is in the wrong. These are not strangers. She is with her dad and her dad's family. She can call or FaceTime her mom daily. She doesn't get to see her Dad daily and seems ok with that, so why shouldn't the opposite be true. He's probably not allowed to see his daughter daily.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. My niece is with us until tomorrow and has been so happy playing with my kids. Mom asked to talk to her yesterday and my niece did not even want to. My brother had to convince her because she was having such a good time playing.

My brother and his ex wife have a very relaxed agreement. They are not divorced yet and live less than 2 blocks from each other.
When the girl is sick or does not want to got o school, the mom calls on my brother who works mostly from home and has parents whom are mostly retired that can help last minute. So my brother actually ends up seeing their daughter much more often than one day a week and every other weekend. I am guessing it ends up being 2 days a week and every other weekend… close to 50/50.

I know lawyers are involved, but their intention (at least my brother’s) is to do what is best for their daughter always. He has helped his ex wife many times because she is his daughter’s mom and very important.
Personally, he does not like her nor can he stand to be with her, but does what he can for the sake of his daughter. This is the woman who had an affair with the same man before and after the birth of their daughter. It must not be easy for him to be the bigger person, but he is because that’s the right thing to do for his daughter.

[Anonymous]

The best he can do is keep it as cordial as possible, get whatever time he can with his DD, and wait for an opportunity. The mom doesn’t seem completely crazy, so once the child is older and mom wants time to herself she will let dad have more time.
Right now the mom is in that antagonistic mode many people fall into after divorce, but if dad is being helpful and ready to watch daughter when mom has to work she will most likely come around.