My brother’s divorce and custody issues

[Anonymous]

Posting this here too from the relationship page because this might be the appropriate place.

My brother is separated and getting divorced. He lives in another country so I am not sure the same rules applies as it pertains to custody.

My brother and ex wife have agreed on shared custody of their daughter (my niece), but she ends up spending more time with her mom since it does not make sense to change house every other day. For now my brother sees her one day a week (sometimes more if mom has work) and every other weekend. On top of that, he has two full weeks in the Summer as does the mom.

This week is my brother’s week with his daughter and we are together on vacation a couple of hours away from my brother’s house. Mom decided to show up and rented a hotel for 3 days (during my brother’s week). My niece is very attached to mom and while she was super happy playing with her cousins (my kids) and her dad, as soon as mom arrived only wanted to be with mom. The daughter ended up spending 2 days and 3 nights with mom.
My brother is very upset as are my parents and feel the mom is wrong and should not have interfered in her daughter’s time with dad. At the same time, my brother says he can’t forbid the mom from seeing their daughter even during HIS time with her.

I am very sad for my brother and for his daughter because she was happy playing with my kids and as soon as mom arrived started whining and only wanted to be held. My brother feels the mom is ruining his relationship with his daughter and practically preventing her from spending time with her dad.
The mom argues that her being there does not prevent my brother from spending time with his daughter, but it practice it does because she only wants to be with her mom (and being held 90% of the time).

How can I help my brother? What can he do? I feel what his ex does is bad, but I am not sure what can be done.

My niece is 4.5

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

The mom is wrong obviously and your brother needs to tell her that. She can not visit during his 2. weeks unless invited. If she is concerned that she is not well cared for that needs to be addressed via custody agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mom is wrong obviously and your brother needs to tell her that. She can not visit during his 2. weeks unless invited. If she is concerned that she is not well cared for that needs to be addressed via custody agreement.

Thank you. No, she is not worried about her daughter being properly cared for, but she thinks it’s best for her daughter to have continuity of care and that it’s bad for her daughter to go from spending most days with her to spending 1 full week away. My niece spends up to 2 full days with my brother twice a month so she is used to being with dad.

What can my brother do? He can’t forbid his ex wife to come to a public beach where we are staying.

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The mom is wrong obviously and your brother needs to tell her that. She can not visit during his 2. weeks unless invited. If she is concerned that she is not well cared for that needs to be addressed via custody agreement.

Thank you. No, she is not worried about her daughter being properly cared for, but she thinks it’s best for her daughter to have continuity of care and that it’s bad for her daughter to go from spending most days with her to spending 1 full week away. My niece spends up to 2 full days with my brother twice a month so she is used to being with dad.

What can my brother do? He can’t forbid his ex wife to come to a public beach where we are staying.

Thanks!

I guess not. He could pick another beach to visit. Or he could leave with the child when the mother arrives. But he doesn’t have to and shouldn’t allow the child to spend the night with the mother during his time with the daughter. That’s bonkers that he allowed that. It’s fine to let his daughter be upset. But she stays with dad.

[Anonymous]

This is very new divorce I assume. The child should grow out of this "I want mama" thing and the mom should want more free time soon as she gets used to not seeing her child so much. Give it some time.
Ofcourse she should not have done that.

[Anonymous]

Why did he tell Mom where you were staying?

[Anonymous]

So when it’s advantageous to him, he decides that using his parenting time doesn’t make sense but when your mom is watching suddenly it’s a problem?

If he wants to be treated like a parent who has custody, then he needs to act like one at home too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So when it’s advantageous to him, he decides that using his parenting time doesn’t make sense but when your mom is watching suddenly it’s a problem?

If he wants to be treated like a parent who has custody, then he needs to act like one at home too.

This. Your brother does not actually have 50/50, he just thinks he does. And he wants to be fun vacation dad without the weekday hassles. This is what you get in that sort of situation. You can't claim 50/50 whenever you want it and not do it when you don't.

[Anonymous]

Your brother has less than 1/3 of the time. Yes it’s shared custody but far from equal time. He needs to up his game for a better relationship.

Also this is a 4.5 year old how has never spent more than three days at a time away from mom. No wonder mom wants to be sure her child is doing ok.

Relationships and needs change a lot over time. But it is the parent’s job to cultivate the relationship. It’s pretty convenient to blame mom when dad is just sitting back and doing very minimal. Under these circumstances, my family (who has gone through a number of successful divorces with custody issues) would plan things and include mom. We’d be working at drawing out nieces and nephews to build relationships and taking tons of photos and making a photo book for your niece so even if she doesn’t remember she will know you were there and had tons of fun together. In your case with being in a foreign country where you’re not likely seeing them often is far tougher than when they live within a car drive away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did he tell Mom where you were staying?

+1. I might mention the town or something general like that but definitely not the specific location, esp. since she's shown she's going to interfere.

[Anonymous]

I think your brother's instinct to not rock the boat at this point is good. Your niece is only 4.5. Two weeks is a long time at that age without seeing mom. My guess is these longer periods will be much easier as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just to clarify. My brother is not yet divorced (it takes several years in our country). They have been separated and living apart for a little over 1 year. Mom wanted to have the daughter always a car ride away until her 6th birthday. For this reason my brother can’t take her to the US or travel far. They are also friendly and try to work together. Still do birthday parties, school events together as a family.
I don’t know the details (my brother is a very private person), but I think all of this has been agreed between them and not through a lawyer. They also live 2 blocks from each other and my brother has his daughter often (more than half the week anytime we visit).

Both parents really love their daughter and the reason for the divorce was mom’s repeated cheating and nothing to do with my brother who only after finding out she was cheating yet again with the same man, decided to call it quit.

My brother is a super livening and involved dad. I don’t think my husband has ever taken care of our kids for more than a day either…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he tell Mom where you were staying?

+1. I might mention the town or something general like that but definitely not the specific location, esp. since she's shown she's going to interfere.

My family has a beach house where mom used to stay as well until 2 years ago… also, I don’t think my brother would ever want to do anything behind her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your brother's instinct to not rock the boat at this point is good. Your niece is only 4.5. Two weeks is a long time at that age without seeing mom. My guess is these longer periods will be much easier as she gets older.

That’s also what I think. BTW the two weeks are not together. He takes her one week and then another week at the end of the month

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they have no firm agreement, so the mom is trying to keep with their usual routine which is that she doesn't go more than a few days without seeing her mother. And the dad wants to have a different routine on vacation.

It's going to be a rocky road co-parenting if they can't have an adult conversation about this kind of thing. OP, if your brother wants more time, maybe he should volunteer to do more of the weeknight tedium and not just the fun parts.