My brother’s divorce and custody issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he tell Mom where you were staying?

+1. I might mention the town or something general like that but definitely not the specific location, esp. since she's shown she's going to interfere.

My family has a beach house where mom used to stay as well until 2 years ago… also, I don’t think my brother would ever want to do anything behind her back.

PP here and how is it behind her back? They're getting divorced, he's not accountable to her for exactly where he's going to be. It is more than sufficient to say I'm going to X town with the kid during my vacation week with the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they have no firm agreement, so the mom is trying to keep with their usual routine which is that she doesn't go more than a few days without seeing her mother. And the dad wants to have a different routine on vacation.

It's going to be a rocky road co-parenting if they can't have an adult conversation about this kind of thing. OP, if your brother wants more time, maybe he should volunteer to do more of the weeknight tedium and not just the fun parts.

OP here. My brother would love more time during the week, but the mom thinks/want her daughter to have a more stable life now that she is so young and my brother agreed to it.

Both work FT and don’t have a nanny (maybe the mom does a bit, but I am not sure). My niece goes to FT school and does aftercare often so she is basically out of the house all day.

I may be wrong here, but I think the mom does not want to lose control and perhaps regrets her affair and wants to try and get back together. I know she asked ny brother to take a vacation the 3 of them together… he does not talk much to me and gets upset if I ask questions so I could be totally wrong.

[Anonymous]

Reverse the genders and make the scenario about him crashing her custody time.

In the USA, judges would flip a lid about that.

Not sure about other countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they have no firm agreement, so the mom is trying to keep with their usual routine which is that she doesn't go more than a few days without seeing her mother. And the dad wants to have a different routine on vacation.

It's going to be a rocky road co-parenting if they can't have an adult conversation about this kind of thing. OP, if your brother wants more time, maybe he should volunteer to do more of the weeknight tedium and not just the fun parts.

OP here. My brother would love more time during the week, but the mom thinks/want her daughter to have a more stable life now that she is so young and my brother agreed to it.

Both work FT and don’t have a nanny (maybe the mom does a bit, but I am not sure). My niece goes to FT school and does aftercare often so she is basically out of the house all day.

I may be wrong here, but I think the mom does not want to lose control and perhaps regrets her affair and wants to try and get back together. I know she asked ny brother to take a vacation the 3 of them together… he does not talk much to me and gets upset if I ask questions so I could be totally wrong

[Anonymous]

C’mon OP be serious. You’re asking custody advice on behalf of a guy who lives in another friggin’ country as does his wife, they’re not even divorced yet, you haven’t named the country, and you expect useful advice from us?

How the hell are we supposed to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they have no firm agreement, so the mom is trying to keep with their usual routine which is that she doesn't go more than a few days without seeing her mother. And the dad wants to have a different routine on vacation.

It's going to be a rocky road co-parenting if they can't have an adult conversation about this kind of thing. OP, if your brother wants more time, maybe he should volunteer to do more of the weeknight tedium and not just the fun parts.

OP here. My brother would love more time during the week, but the mom thinks/want her daughter to have a more stable life now that she is so young and my brother agreed to it.

Both work FT and don’t have a nanny (maybe the mom does a bit, but I am not sure). My niece goes to FT school and does aftercare often so she is basically out of the house all day.

I may be wrong here, but I think the mom does not want to lose control and perhaps regrets her affair and wants to try and get back together. I know she asked ny brother to take a vacation the 3 of them together… he does not talk much to me and gets upset if I ask questions so I could be totally wrong

OP, you clearly love your brother, but you are out of order here. Your brother doesn't talk to you about this and gets upset if you talk to him about it. This is absolutely not your business on any level.

He is not the primary parent. Kids this age do actually have a hard time being separated from their primary parent for an extended period of time. She's not wrong or selfish here. Obviously it depends on the kid, but frankly, this woman is probably in a much better position to know what her daughter needs than the part-time dad or his overseas sister.

[Anonymous]

He needs to speak with a lawyer, and start using 100% of his parenting time if he wants to end up with 50% custody when the divorce is finalized.

A child trading homes every other night doesn't make sense, but there are many other variations of 50/50 that can your brother can ask for.

[Anonymous]

Your brother needs to speak with his attorney and get more time with his daughter. The child needing mom is a load of what ever you want to call it and he should have more/equal time. He needs to tell her NO to the visits during his two week time in less she is going to give him the same several days during her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother needs to speak with his attorney and get more time with his daughter. The child needing mom is a load of what ever you want to call it and he should have more/equal time. He needs to tell her NO to the visits during his two week time in less she is going to give him the same several days during her time.

It sounds like he doesn't want equal time, he just wants the vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posting this here too from the relationship page because this might be the appropriate place.

My brother is separated and getting divorced. He lives in another country so I am not sure the same rules applies as it pertains to custody.

My brother and ex wife have agreed on shared custody of their daughter (my niece), but she ends up spending more time with her mom since it does not make sense to change house every other day. For now my brother sees her one day a week (sometimes more if mom has work) and every other weekend. On top of that, he has two full weeks in the Summer as does the mom.

This week is my brother’s week with his daughter and we are together on vacation a couple of hours away from my brother’s house. Mom decided to show up and rented a hotel for 3 days (during my brother’s week). My niece is very attached to mom and while she was super happy playing with her cousins (my kids) and her dad, as soon as mom arrived only wanted to be with mom. The daughter ended up spending 2 days and 3 nights with mom.
My brother is very upset as are my parents and feel the mom is wrong and should not have interfered in her daughter’s time with dad. At the same time, my brother says he can’t forbid the mom from seeing their daughter even during HIS time with her.

I am very sad for my brother and for his daughter because she was happy playing with my kids and as soon as mom arrived started whining and only wanted to be held. My brother feels the mom is ruining his relationship with his daughter and practically preventing her from spending time with her dad.
The mom argues that her being there does not prevent my brother from spending time with his daughter, but it practice it does because she only wants to be with her mom (and being held 90% of the time).

How can I help my brother? What can he do? I feel what his ex does is bad, but I am not sure what can be done.

My niece is 4.5

Thanks!

No, that is not why.

My parents had 50/50 custody, alternating weeks.

I won’t speculate to the true reason for the unequal split but it does stand out that despite obvious alternative solutions to moving “every other day” he does not truly step up to take 50/50 time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother needs to speak with his attorney and get more time with his daughter. The child needing mom is a load of what ever you want to call it and he should have more/equal time. He needs to tell her NO to the visits during his two week time in less she is going to give him the same several days during her time.

It sounds like he doesn't want equal time, he just wants the vacations.

It sounds like she does and the Mom is refusing to allow child to be away from her and very controlling and alienating child from Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother needs to speak with his attorney and get more time with his daughter. The child needing mom is a load of what ever you want to call it and he should have more/equal time. He needs to tell her NO to the visits during his two week time in less she is going to give him the same several days during her time.

It sounds like he doesn't want equal time, he just wants the vacations.

It sounds like she does and the Mom is refusing to allow child to be away from her and very controlling and alienating child from Dad.

Since there’s absolutely nothing posted here by OP to indicate that, and to the contrary OP indicates he’s consenting to the schedule that requires so little work from him, we can safely assume you’re a misogynist troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this here too from the relationship page because this might be the appropriate place.

My brother is separated and getting divorced. He lives in another country so I am not sure the same rules applies as it pertains to custody.

My brother and ex wife have agreed on shared custody of their daughter (my niece), but she ends up spending more time with her mom since it does not make sense to change house every other day. For now my brother sees her one day a week (sometimes more if mom has work) and every other weekend. On top of that, he has two full weeks in the Summer as does the mom.

This week is my brother’s week with his daughter and we are together on vacation a couple of hours away from my brother’s house. Mom decided to show up and rented a hotel for 3 days (during my brother’s week). My niece is very attached to mom and while she was super happy playing with her cousins (my kids) and her dad, as soon as mom arrived only wanted to be with mom. The daughter ended up spending 2 days and 3 nights with mom.
My brother is very upset as are my parents and feel the mom is wrong and should not have interfered in her daughter’s time with dad. At the same time, my brother says he can’t forbid the mom from seeing their daughter even during HIS time with her.

I am very sad for my brother and for his daughter because she was happy playing with my kids and as soon as mom arrived started whining and only wanted to be held. My brother feels the mom is ruining his relationship with his daughter and practically preventing her from spending time with her dad.
The mom argues that her being there does not prevent my brother from spending time with his daughter, but it practice it does because she only wants to be with her mom (and being held 90% of the time).

How can I help my brother? What can he do? I feel what his ex does is bad, but I am not sure what can be done.

My niece is 4.5

Thanks!

No, that is not why.

My parents had 50/50 custody, alternating weeks.

I won’t speculate to the true reason for the unequal split but it does stand out that despite obvious alternative solutions to moving “every other day” he does not truly step up to take 50/50 time.

OP here. I know very little about my brother’s agreement with his ex wife. What I do know is that they agreed to this schedule because the mom thinks that until their daughter turns 6 she needs the mom the most (and perhaps this is whAt is done in our country). For example my brother cannot take her to visit us in the US until after she turns 6. He cannot have 2 consecutive weeks until after she turns 6, etc. My brother had a room in his house all set up for his daughter. They have double of everything (I think), etc. He insists on paying for her private education, etc.
I really believe he is not trying to do less, but accepts his ex wife’s wishes in order to avoid conflict. She has been difficult in the past (again, I don’t know much, but I know one time she took their daughter after a fight away because the neighbor saw her, threatened my brother to take their daughter away and even jump from the balcony… this is what other people heard because again my brother is very private).

Perhaps I am wrong and my brother is trying to do as little work as possible, but knowing my brother, that is not him (at all).

Anyway, every time their daughter sees the mom and leaves the mom, is a huge mess. I am sure she would have been much happier without seeing mom for a week instead of seeing her (and having to leave her) multiple times.

[Anonymous]

YOU can help by shutting your trap and staying in your lane.

Your brother sounds useless. No wonder this is happening to him.

Tell him to leave them alone. No father is better than an abusive one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother needs to speak with his attorney and get more time with his daughter. The child needing mom is a load of what ever you want to call it and he should have more/equal time. He needs to tell her NO to the visits during his two week time in less she is going to give him the same several days during her time.

Okay, so, research is very clear on this. Kids need moms. Dads are disposable.