College DD: 1 month to go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

That never works OP. You may think you "won" but you didn't. You DD is taking the path of least resistance, but her resentment is only growing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

That never works OP. You may think you "won" but you didn't. You DD is taking the path of least resistance, but her resentment is only growing.

OP here. We have had constructive discussions these past couple of days, which includes tensions. It’s never been about “winning”. My daughter has a lot of leeway. She has a lot of freedom, and we have gone through a lot with each other. I live in Canada, which means young adults (18-19) can drink. I have given her space to grow and have fun. But she needs to be respectful as we share space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

That never works OP. You may think you "won" but you didn't. You DD is taking the path of least resistance, but her resentment is only growing.

OP here. We have had constructive discussions these past couple of days, which includes tensions. It’s never been about “winning”. My daughter has a lot of leeway. She has a lot of freedom, and we have gone through a lot with each other. I live in Canada, which means young adults (18-19) can drink. I have given her space to grow and have fun. But she needs to be respectful as we share space.

Then you shouldn’t have characterized it as “fights.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two ACs at home. One is post college, first job. Another is in college, home for summer.

Both are working/interning and making money.
Both get friends over and act like typical teen, twenties people. Messy rooms, dishes in the rooms, sleeping late during the weekends etc.

Most of the times, I let them be. They are decompressing after a full day of work and home is their sanctuary. However, if I give them advance notice, and ask for help and assign chores, they do that without arguments.

I would not take my kids talking rudely to me, doing destructive things (drugs, hookups, smoking, drinking, bad friends) or not doing well in their studies and work. My expectation is that my kids will excel, they will take care of their mental and mental and physical health, be pleasant and polite, and they will make good decisions professionally, personally, socially, morally and financially.

Being messy and careless is ok in my home to an extent because they know that I will take care of it since I am their mother. If they were a hot mess in other ways, I would have a problem.

You really are clueless. You expect they will excel in every area. You expect that they will take care of their mental health and not hook up because it is destructive (an adult). Hope your bubble doesn’t pop because that isn’t life, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two ACs at home. One is post college, first job. Another is in college, home for summer.

Both are working/interning and making money.
Both get friends over and act like typical teen, twenties people. Messy rooms, dishes in the rooms, sleeping late during the weekends etc.

Most of the times, I let them be. They are decompressing after a full day of work and home is their sanctuary. However, if I give them advance notice, and ask for help and assign chores, they do that without arguments.

I would not take my kids talking rudely to me, doing destructive things (drugs, hookups, smoking, drinking, bad friends) or not doing well in their studies and work. My expectation is that my kids will excel, they will take care of their mental and mental and physical health, be pleasant and polite, and they will make good decisions professionally, personally, socially, morally and financially.

Being messy and careless is ok in my home to an extent because they know that I will take care of it since I am their mother. If they were a hot mess in other ways, I would have a problem.

You really are clueless. You expect they will excel in every area. You expect that they will take care of their mental health and not hook up because it is destructive (an adult). Hope your bubble doesn’t pop because that isn’t life, lady.

Nah! I did not raise trashy kids in a dysfunctional home. I have expectations for them and from them, but these are rooted in reality of the support and education we give them. You cannot have good children if you are not good parents.

They are doing fine and will continue to do fine. No bubble here. I am sorry that you think that mental health issues and indiscriminate sexual activities are a rite of passage. My AC have been taught to respect and value themselves and it is reinforced by our culture. No wonder your kids are lost.

And no, my kids are not perfect in every area. They do make messes and they are careless at times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two ACs at home. One is post college, first job. Another is in college, home for summer.

Both are working/interning and making money.
Both get friends over and act like typical teen, twenties people. Messy rooms, dishes in the rooms, sleeping late during the weekends etc.

Most of the times, I let them be. They are decompressing after a full day of work and home is their sanctuary. However, if I give them advance notice, and ask for help and assign chores, they do that without arguments.

I would not take my kids talking rudely to me, doing destructive things (drugs, hookups, smoking, drinking, bad friends) or not doing well in their studies and work. My expectation is that my kids will excel, they will take care of their mental and mental and physical health, be pleasant and polite, and they will make good decisions professionally, personally, socially, morally and financially.

Being messy and careless is ok in my home to an extent because they know that I will take care of it since I am their mother. If they were a hot mess in other ways, I would have a problem.

You really are clueless. You expect they will excel in every area. You expect that they will take care of their mental health and not hook up because it is destructive (an adult). Hope your bubble doesn’t pop because that isn’t life, lady.

Nah! I did not raise trashy kids in a dysfunctional home. I have expectations for them and from them, but these are rooted in reality of the support and education we give them. You cannot have good children if you are not good parents.

They are doing fine and will continue to do fine. No bubble here. I am sorry that you think that mental health issues and indiscriminate sexual activities are a rite of passage. My AC have been taught to respect and value themselves and it is reinforced by our culture. No wonder your kids are lost.

And no, my kids are not perfect in every area. They do make messes and they are careless at times.

Listen, get off your high horse. How your kids turn out is part nurture, but also part nature.

My teens are generally respectful of us. Certainly they have never cursed at us, but I am the first to say that we are not perfect parents. We have made a ton of mistakes, but our kids turned out well in spite of it.

You could be the perfect parent, and your kid could still turn out to be giant aholes, or addicts. Your kid could have had some SN that made parenting them very difficult. Their personalities could've been such that they are extremely defiant and oppositional. That is nature.

There's a saying you might have heard of .."There but for the grace of God". Memorize it.

-signed an Asian American immigrant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two ACs at home. One is post college, first job. Another is in college, home for summer.

Both are working/interning and making money.
Both get friends over and act like typical teen, twenties people. Messy rooms, dishes in the rooms, sleeping late during the weekends etc.

Most of the times, I let them be. They are decompressing after a full day of work and home is their sanctuary. However, if I give them advance notice, and ask for help and assign chores, they do that without arguments.

I would not take my kids talking rudely to me, doing destructive things (drugs, hookups, smoking, drinking, bad friends) or not doing well in their studies and work. My expectation is that my kids will excel, they will take care of their mental and mental and physical health, be pleasant and polite, and they will make good decisions professionally, personally, socially, morally and financially.

Being messy and careless is ok in my home to an extent because they know that I will take care of it since I am their mother. If they were a hot mess in other ways, I would have a problem.

You really are clueless. You expect they will excel in every area. You expect that they will take care of their mental health and not hook up because it is destructive (an adult). Hope your bubble doesn’t pop because that isn’t life, lady.

Nah! I did not raise trashy kids in a dysfunctional home. I have expectations for them and from them, but these are rooted in reality of the support and education we give them. You cannot have good children if you are not good parents.

They are doing fine and will continue to do fine. No bubble here. I am sorry that you think that mental health issues and indiscriminate sexual activities are a rite of passage. My AC have been taught to respect and value themselves and it is reinforced by our culture. No wonder your kids are lost.

And no, my kids are not perfect in every area. They do make messes and they are careless at times.

impossible to read any post that starts like this... life is unpredictable pp. anyone with "holier than thou" attitude like you, karma will hit you.

[Anonymous]

OP, getting free counseling at school is a great idea. She can't take out her anger on her father, so she takes it out on you because you're a safe place to do so. Still totally unacceptable of course, but that's the reasoning. Maybe she needs some friends who are less advantaged than her. There's always someone richer than you and someone poorer than you. She needs to realize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, getting free counseling at school is a great idea. She can't take out her anger on her father, so she takes it out on you because you're a safe place to do so. Still totally unacceptable of course, but that's the reasoning. Maybe she needs some friends who are less advantaged than her. There's always someone richer than you and someone poorer than you. She needs to realize this.

This! It helped my DD appreciate how much we've done for her. She actually thanked us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

That never works OP. You may think you "won" but you didn't. You DD is taking the path of least resistance, but her resentment is only growing.

OP here. We have had constructive discussions these past couple of days, which includes tensions. It’s never been about “winning”. My daughter has a lot of leeway. She has a lot of freedom, and we have gone through a lot with each other. I live in Canada, which means young adults (18-19) can drink. I have given her space to grow and have fun. But she needs to be respectful as we share space.

Is there more to say about the drinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

That never works OP. You may think you "won" but you didn't. You DD is taking the path of least resistance, but her resentment is only growing.

OP here. We have had constructive discussions these past couple of days, which includes tensions. It’s never been about “winning”. My daughter has a lot of leeway. She has a lot of freedom, and we have gone through a lot with each other. I live in Canada, which means young adults (18-19) can drink. I have given her space to grow and have fun. But she needs to be respectful as we share space.

Is there more to say about the drinking?

OP here. No. She is enjoying herself but knows moderation and responsibility. She values her summer job, and her work colleagues respect her so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, getting free counseling at school is a great idea. She can't take out her anger on her father, so she takes it out on you because you're a safe place to do so. Still totally unacceptable of course, but that's the reasoning. Maybe she needs some friends who are less advantaged than her. There's always someone richer than you and someone poorer than you. She needs to realize this.

I know, I try not to take it personally. The upside of her being home is that we are teammates on a women’s soccer team, which is fun, so we are building positive experiences as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

Like what? Serious question.

I have not had to implement this, because they're perfectly decent teens. But if OP's daughter is on a family cell phone plan, sharing a car, and benefits from parental spending money at college or any little extras, they would disappear after a serious talk on respect. I would not touch the college money, since this is what will get this surly teen out of the house and into an independent lifestyle where OP won't have to support her. And unless there was a total breakdown in communications, I wouldn't throw her out of the house just yet.

I just feel like this is easy to say when you have "perfectly decent" teens.

I think it's hard to pull this behavior back when the groundwork should have been laid over the entirety of the teen years. I don't know what I'd do specifically. But, I do know that anything that was "mine" would not be shared (e.g. car) and she'd be doing her own cooking, laundry, etc. If she wants to disrespect me, and treat me like a roommate, I'll treat her like one. There would be a conversation involved, obvs. I'm not sure how "dire" these consequences are but seem like reasonable starting points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, getting free counseling at school is a great idea. She can't take out her anger on her father, so she takes it out on you because you're a safe place to do so. Still totally unacceptable of course, but that's the reasoning. Maybe she needs some friends who are less advantaged than her. There's always someone richer than you and someone poorer than you. She needs to realize this.

I know, I try not to take it personally. The upside of her being home is that we are teammates on a women’s soccer team, which is fun, so we are building positive experiences as well.

That’s cool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, getting free counseling at school is a great idea. She can't take out her anger on her father, so she takes it out on you because you're a safe place to do so. Still totally unacceptable of course, but that's the reasoning. Maybe she needs some friends who are less advantaged than her. There's always someone richer than you and someone poorer than you. She needs to realize this.

I know, I try not to take it personally. The upside of her being home is that we are teammates on a women’s soccer team, which is fun, so we are building positive experiences as well.

That’s cool!

Thank you. Things between us are much better now.