College DD: 1 month to go

[Anonymous]

My daughter is going into her second year of college this fall. She has been home for the summer holidays, and I am counting down the days until she moves back for school. I am an only parent, and she tries to treat me like a roommate. She is inconsiderate (ie using the car and not filling up on gas, leaving garbage everywhere, not doing her chores, etc) and disrespects me (calls me the worst parent ever). I try to set boundaries but it’s so tiring. I can’t wait for September 1st 😀 How have you transitioned your adult kids out of the house once they are finished school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is going into her second year of college this fall. She has been home for the summer holidays, and I am counting down the days until she moves back for school. I am an only parent, and she tries to treat me like a roommate. She is inconsiderate (ie using the car and not filling up on gas, leaving garbage everywhere, not doing her chores, etc) and disrespects me (calls me the worst parent ever). I try to set boundaries but it’s so tiring. I can’t wait for September 1st 😀 How have you transitioned your adult kids out of the house once they are finished school?

First, I sympathize, OP. The transition is hard. Second, would you accept this kind of treatment from a roommate? Heck, no! There would be mutual respect for shared spaces and items. You need to sit her down for a discussion and lay out shared expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is going into her second year of college this fall. She has been home for the summer holidays, and I am counting down the days until she moves back for school. I am an only parent, and she tries to treat me like a roommate. She is inconsiderate (ie using the car and not filling up on gas, leaving garbage everywhere, not doing her chores, etc) and disrespects me (calls me the worst parent ever). I try to set boundaries but it’s so tiring. I can’t wait for September 1st 😀 How have you transitioned your adult kids out of the house once they are finished school?

If you've had a talk with her already about respecting you and the house, multiple times, and all else has failed, then:

- hide the car keys so she can't use your car.
- stop buying groceries for her
- pick up the trash and dirty dishes, and dump it in her room
- definitely don't do her laundry or any favors

If she thinks you're her room mate, then treat her like one.

If she dumps thinks back out, then she has completely lost respect for you. I would have a long talk with her about how she treats you, even as a roommate. And let her know that actions will be taken if she doesn't change, ie, kick her out or make her pay rent so you can hire a cleaner.

[Anonymous]

This isn't helpful to your situation, but I guess this is one of those things where mileage varies wildly. My DS is going back for his second year of college in about 2 weeks, and he's been a damn delight.

Part of it is that a summer job and summer class gave him structure. His biggest fault is probably not bringing dishes up from the basement. But, all things considered, it's small potatoes.

[Anonymous]

No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

You have toddlers or kids in elementary school, right?

Just you wait. Parenting adult children is harder than those years and the teen years. You’ll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

Like what? Serious question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

You have toddlers or kids in elementary school, right?

Just you wait. Parenting adult children is harder than those years and the teen years. You’ll see.

PP you replied to. I have teens, including one in college. They have their moments, of course, but apologize afterward and do not behave like OP's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

Like what? Serious question.

I have not had to implement this, because they're perfectly decent teens. But if OP's daughter is on a family cell phone plan, sharing a car, and benefits from parental spending money at college or any little extras, they would disappear after a serious talk on respect. I would not touch the college money, since this is what will get this surly teen out of the house and into an independent lifestyle where OP won't have to support her. And unless there was a total breakdown in communications, I wouldn't throw her out of the house just yet.

[Anonymous]

We told our kids that if they want to be treated like adults, they need to behave like responsible adults. So that means being respectful of noise, mess, behavior, etc.

So they clean up after themselves, and contribute to the running of the home in emptying the kitchen trash as they leave to go out, they fold clean towels while FaceTiming with friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

Like what? Serious question.

I have not had to implement this, because they're perfectly decent teens. But if OP's daughter is on a family cell phone plan, sharing a car, and benefits from parental spending money at college or any little extras, they would disappear after a serious talk on respect. I would not touch the college money, since this is what will get this surly teen out of the house and into an independent lifestyle where OP won't have to support her. And unless there was a total breakdown in communications, I wouldn't throw her out of the house just yet.

Then what happens? Kid is probably 18/19 already. You will up the pressure until they break? or ask for forgiveness? I am just not sure where/how it ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

Like what? Serious question.

I have not had to implement this, because they're perfectly decent teens. But if OP's daughter is on a family cell phone plan, sharing a car, and benefits from parental spending money at college or any little extras, they would disappear after a serious talk on respect. I would not touch the college money, since this is what will get this surly teen out of the house and into an independent lifestyle where OP won't have to support her. And unless there was a total breakdown in communications, I wouldn't throw her out of the house just yet.

Then what happens? Kid is probably 18/19 already. You will up the pressure until they break? or ask for forgiveness? I am just not sure where/how it ends.

Exactly. These are empty threats that are wildly disproportionate to the offense of being rude. A good bit of shaming is more effective.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps have a conversation and let her know that you don't think living together is good for your relationship. It really stresses you out to have her leave trash around and to not treat you kindly. If things don't change, she should look for somewhere else to stay next summer. Short visits for holidays are fine, but you'll both be happier and hopefully have a better relationship if you don't live together.

Try to say it with kindness and not out of anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps have a conversation and let her know that you don't think living together is good for your relationship. It really stresses you out to have her leave trash around and to not treat you kindly. If things don't change, she should look for somewhere else to stay next summer. Short visits for holidays are fine, but you'll both be happier and hopefully have a better relationship if you don't live together.

Try to say it with kindness and not out of anger.

I'll add that many of the above suggestions are ways to try to parent her. My guess is she doesn't want to be parented. My proposal is how you'd treat a roommate if you don't want to explode the relationship. You'd just suggest that you make better friends than roommates and make a plan to swap out housing. Everyone should have enough notice to make alternative plans.

[Anonymous]

Op, you should hope she would treat you (as well) as a roommate. Not filling the car up with gas is pretty typical though. Garbage and mess -- NO. "Worst parent ever" is mean and you do not have to listen to that. Why don't you suggest, calmly that she not plan to live at home again. Maybe you say this, not now, but early in the school year. Or tell her you want to see how college breaks go, but that need somewhere else to lives next summer. And it is not your responsibility to find a place for her. Luckily living at college, or near a college campus is usually cheap in the summer. She'll have to figure it out.