College DD: 1 month to go

[Anonymous]

I have two ACs at home. One is post college, first job. Another is in college, home for summer.

Both are working/interning and making money.
Both get friends over and act like typical teen, twenties people. Messy rooms, dishes in the rooms, sleeping late during the weekends etc.

Most of the times, I let them be. They are decompressing after a full day of work and home is their sanctuary. However, if I give them advance notice, and ask for help and assign chores, they do that without arguments.

I would not take my kids talking rudely to me, doing destructive things (drugs, hookups, smoking, drinking, bad friends) or not doing well in their studies and work. My expectation is that my kids will excel, they will take care of their mental and mental and physical health, be pleasant and polite, and they will make good decisions professionally, personally, socially, morally and financially.

Being messy and careless is ok in my home to an extent because they know that I will take care of it since I am their mother. If they were a hot mess in other ways, I would have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, my kids don't get to treat their mother like this. No way. There would be dire consequences.

You have toddlers or kids in elementary school, right?

Just you wait. Parenting adult children is harder than those years and the teen years. You’ll see.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Anonymous]

OP, your daughter didn't get to where she is by herself. And there is no easy way to "fix" her at this point. I'd have a calm discussion with her and just let her know that some of her comments are hurtful and, hopefully, she understands and stops saying those things. As she gets older, she will grow into a better mature person. I'd not worry about other stuff - mess, gas..etc. those are small matters. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

two and a half weeks before mine goes back and I'm dreading it with every day that passes.

Did your DD have a job this summer, that helps with structure tremulously. Also, no car if she doesn't refill it with gas. No eating in her room etc.

I also make sure we do fun things together. meet her where she is, do what she enjoys. I am going with my DD to the beach this Friday, just she and I. It's our end of summer tradition. All of these positives help balance the sometimes nagging that I have to do about other things. If you're on their case all summer, of course they will react badly to you trying to nag and micromanage them the entire time.

[Anonymous]

Kindly tell her she should plan to get a job elsewhere next summer, maybe live by the beach with friends and work seasonal jobs. I lived one summer at the beach as a nanny. Lots of college students do this. It’s fun and they usually prefer it.

Make the suggestion now she has time to plan for it.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest a career advancing job

[Anonymous]

Did she act this way during her last few years of high school?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of your helpful suggestions. I really appreciate it. I will respond tomorrow to some of your questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:two and a half weeks before mine goes back and I'm dreading it with every day that passes.

Did your DD have a job this summer, that helps with structure tremulously. Also, no car if she doesn't refill it with gas. No eating in her room etc.

I also make sure we do fun things together. meet her where she is, do what she enjoys. I am going with my DD to the beach this Friday, just she and I. It's our end of summer tradition. All of these positives help balance the sometimes nagging that I have to do about other things. If you're on their case all summer, of course they will react badly to you trying to nag and micromanage them the entire time.

Ditto here. Mine is going into her third year and I'm already tearing up thinking about her leaving. Yes, she's more work when she's here, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Love having her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is going into her second year of college this fall. She has been home for the summer holidays, and I am counting down the days until she moves back for school. I am an only parent, and she tries to treat me like a roommate. She is inconsiderate (ie using the car and not filling up on gas, leaving garbage everywhere, not doing her chores, etc) and disrespects me (calls me the worst parent ever). I try to set boundaries but it’s so tiring. I can’t wait for September 1st 😀 How have you transitioned your adult kids out of the house once they are finished school?

Talk to her and ask how you two can build a functional and mutually beneficial relationship as two independent adults who care for each other but respectfully maintain personal boundaries. Be ready to receive some criticism and backlash but be patient as you are her mom and trying to sort this issue not complicate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't helpful to your situation, but I guess this is one of those things where mileage varies wildly. My DS is going back for his second year of college in about 2 weeks, and he's been a damn delight.

Part of it is that a summer job and summer class gave him structure. His biggest fault is probably not bringing dishes up from the basement. But, all things considered, it's small potatoes.

Smug and not helpful. Also makes people who are in OP’s position (like me) feel worse about themselves. Why do people post stuff like this?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

[Anonymous]

Lots of important info, better if shared earlier in the thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

So much for the suggestions to speak to her like an adult. If I was her, I wouldn't want to be around you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have had a couple of discussions and fights with my DD the last two days. I think we have made progress. She put gas in the car and is paying for car servicing tomorrow. She also helped out with house chores.

FYI She lived with three other girls last year, which started this “roommate” mentality. The rude behaviour, however, is unacceptable. She swore at me the other day, and I told her she will lose the car privilege if it happens again. I also said that if it continues, she will need to find another place to stay next summer. I refuse to be her punching bag.

Furthermore, I suggested she seek counselling at her university, which is free. She holds a lot of unresolved anger surrounding her dad, who struggles with bipolar disorder. He has not contributed financially to her schooling. I am the sole provider for the two of us, which causes resentment towards me because I can’t afford as much as some of her peers’ families. However, she needs a reality check on our living situation.

Thank for all of the feedback. Each stage of parenting has its own unique challenges!

So much for the suggestions to speak to her like an adult. If I was her, I wouldn't want to be around you either.

I am guessing you are a college student.