To “move home” or not: aging parents and leaving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Except your kids might not want to do it for you, even if you set that example.

There is a huge difference between taking care of someone 15 min away and giving up your whole separate faraway life.

I wouldn’t want to live a lifestyle that would require my kids to do that, personally. It’s such an imposition on them. And, they’d be within their rights to simply not do it.

I think OP lost a lot of goodwill with that last post...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

It’s absolutely crazy (and extremely selfish) that you are expecting this from your kids in your old age. Your parents grew up in a very different generation in a rural area where I’m sure it was more the norm for children to drop everything to care for their parents (and a lot more feasible with extended families tending to live closer together and single family incomes being more the norm). In this day and age (and with plenty of time to prepare) there’s no excuse for going into your retirement with the expectation that your adult children will prioritize your elder care (to include relocating!) over their own families/jobs/ambitions.

Hopefully in time you’ll rethink your priorities but at minimum I hope you have a good backup plan!!!

+1 That's completely unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see how it’s selfish to expect your kids to look after you when you’re elderly. They spent their best years and money looking after you.

[Anonymous]

OP you picked the wrong forum to raise your issue. The typical DCUM mom doesn’t want to help her aging parents, but she sure wants that inheritance. Oh, and as much babysitting as she can get out of the old shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you picked the wrong forum to raise your issue. The typical DCUM mom doesn’t want to help her aging parents, but she sure wants that inheritance. Oh, and as much babysitting as she can get out of the old shrew.

DP - I would love to help my aging parents, including having them move in with me, but they need to meet me halfway. My job is here, good schools are here.

My dad's grandmother moved in with us at the end of her life. She had to move from out of state to do it. I'm sure she was sad, but we weren't going to move to her.
When my mom's mother was at the end of her life, she moved in with my mom who was the nearest kid: my aunts didn't move closer to help, nor did anybody expect them to move.

[Anonymous]

OP, what job/career/assets do you have that allows you to move whenever and wherever you want, and then give it all up to farm? What's your relationship with your mom like? It seems you are ready for a drastic move for daddy, but mom's dream of moving off the farm is something you say, she can solve herself. Sounds daddy centric to me, based on what you've shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't this a plot to a Hallmark movie. You will show up and have to plan the fall festival where you will meet a cute and normal farmer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see how it’s selfish to expect your kids to look after you when you’re elderly. They spent their best years and money looking after you.

Okay assuming you’re not a troll let’s play this out. Imagine a young couple fall in love and get married. Both wife and husband (who are both only children) find decent paying, fulfilling jobs in DC, and have two children. The future is looking bright.

Fast forward 7 years. Wife’s father in Arkansas has a stroke and can no longer live alone. He refuses to leave his longtime home to go into an assisted living facility or move to live close to wife and her family, but instead demands that she come to care for him (as is her “duty”) and allow him to age in place in his home. After much back and forth and second guessing wife and husband decide to “fulfill their duty” and move back to wife’s home town to care for the ailing father/FIL. Wife and husband find new jobs however they are less fulfilling and both have lower salaries, requiring cutbacks in college savings and family activities. They have to enroll their kids in new less desirable childcare programs and leave behind friends. Marital tensions begin to mount.

Now image it’s two years after that: wife’s father’s situation has not significantly worsened but he is still in need of significant support and remains intent in staying in his home. Now husband finds out that his own mother’s health is declining. She requires intensive caregiving but lives in Arizona and is similarly unwilling to relocate or have a stranger care for her and expects husband to come care for her.

How are these expectations tenable and are you really so selfish as to be willing to inflict this type of situation on your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

You do realize this is a pipe dream, right? Especially considering that you have two boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

Are you an only child or do you have siblings in the area? Do you expect your own kids to give up their lives and move across the country when you get old? Do you want to take over the farm? Who are your parents leaving it to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

Are you an only child or do you have siblings in the area? Do you expect your own kids to give up their lives and move across the country when you get old? Do you want to take over the farm? Who are your parents leaving it to?

You missed the updates. Yes, OP does expect her children to move across the country to support her dream of dying with independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

Are you an only child or do you have siblings in the area? Do you expect your own kids to give up their lives and move across the country when you get old? Do you want to take over the farm? Who are your parents leaving it to?

You missed the updates. Yes, OP does expect her children to move across the country to support her dream of dying with independence.

Like the person above mentioned, if the OP's two sons marry women who feel the need to move back to help their parents in Alaska and Hawaii, how can she expect her sons to move to Arkansas. Should they divorce when she needs attention?

Does she want to move back to the farm because she's scared her father is going to leave the whole thing to another sibling? One way to break up a family property is to split it evenly among your kids who then split it evenly between their kids. That is why Charles III inherited everything from Elizabeth II - it keeps the wealth intact.

[Anonymous]

OP - it is hard to advise you if you are a real person without you sharing some information:

- Where is the dad in this picture of these two young boys, married or not, and does he even know if your plan to move out of state? What would his input be?
- What is your source of support meaning the ability to work remotely, sufficient child support to cover your expenses or are you independently wealthy??
- What is the state of the farm In terms if how it operates now — small family or large enterprise run by a manager?

A few more details would be required for any real input. However, the well-being of your boys should be first and your financial ability to provide for yourself and the boys in basic things such as health insurance is important. ALso, are you up to raising two young kids and dealing with two difficult parent emotionally on your own?? And perhaps really narrowing options for your personal life.

[Anonymous]

You have two boys, OP, they and their future spouses are not going to enable you to do anything. Sorry.