To “move home” or not: aging parents and leaving

[Anonymous]

I’d question why (despite being as liberal as you claim) you seem to be fine with the prospect of your mom living the rest of her days stuck on a farm that she’s apparently desperate to escape, but the idea of your dad having to leave said farm in his old age is unthinkable, even when it’s clearly what you think is best/preferable for 4 out of 5 relevant family members.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but as soon as your father dies, you should sell the farm and move your mother somewhere she'll be happier. And you, as a single parent whose kids depend on you, should live in a liberal-enough location and work in a job that makes enough money that you can afford to retire comfortably and send them to decent colleges.

The End.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but as soon as your father dies, you should sell the farm and move your mother somewhere she'll be happier. And you, as a single parent whose kids depend on you, should live in a liberal-enough location and work in a job that makes enough money that you can afford to retire comfortably and send them to decent colleges.

The End.

And what if her father survives his surgeries and lives for another 10+ years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d question why (despite being as liberal as you claim) you seem to be fine with the prospect of your mom living the rest of her days stuck on a farm that she’s apparently desperate to escape, but the idea of your dad having to leave said farm in his old age is unthinkable, even when it’s clearly what you think is best/preferable for 4 out of 5 relevant family members.

+1 Seriously.

[Anonymous]

How old are your parents, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d question why (despite being as liberal as you claim) you seem to be fine with the prospect of your mom living the rest of her days stuck on a farm that she’s apparently desperate to escape, but the idea of your dad having to leave said farm in his old age is unthinkable, even when it’s clearly what you think is best/preferable for 4 out of 5 relevant family members.

Yes. + infinity

[Anonymous]

If the father doesn’t want to move she ain’t moving him. Period. It’s not up to her.

[Anonymous]

As a single mom to two very young kids, you would barely have enough bandwidth to take on extra duties right now. I would not move, and I would absolutely tell my daughter not to upend her life this way.

When I had and infant and a toddler, my parents moved near me during my dad's last months of life. It's hard no matter how you dice it, but it was the most logical way forward, as otherwise I would be jeopardizing my job and salary when we needed it the most.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Except your kids might not want to do it for you, even if you set that example.

There is a huge difference between taking care of someone 15 min away and giving up your whole separate faraway life.

I wouldn’t want to live a lifestyle that would require my kids to do that, personally. It’s such an imposition on them. And, they’d be within their rights to simply not do it.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked your kids how they feel? I would have hated this after being in a major metropolitan area. Maybe your parents know it wouldn't be a good fit for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

Except they might not do it for you anyway because they have their own life to live. Seems like a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Why would you expect your kids to uproot their lives to care for you? Why not instead plan for your elder years strategically to make it as easy as possible for you and them?

Also, why do you care so deeply that the farm doesn't get sold if it's not the life you want in the place you want? Is that commitment on behalf of your dad? Seems like quite a burden unless you have a passion for that work/life.

[Anonymous]

Op, where do you get your money? What money do you live on now? You don't mention any career ambition. You say this, "I do intend to return to it at some point" (to the farm ..?) So do you mean to work the farm? If that's a career for you, you should do it sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks this has been helpful in framing my thinking. To answer a few questions asked: all of our family are near my parents, so no negative impact to the kids in that regard if we move; I don’t think I’ve consumed too much media so much as spent enough time in a red state to really feel the pain of these issues on a day to day basis; B my parents did drop everything and care for my grandparents and my aunt when they were dying though everyone lived in 15 minute radius; and I’m not necessarily ok with forcing my mom to stay on a farm she doesn’t want to stay on. But my mom has been planning to move for my whole life, and by her own admission, long before that. It’s a…sore subject? Long running joke? The biggest regret of her life that I am not interested in solving for her?

I suppose the ideal plan would be to move back for a while, then leave again if my father passed and my mom was in good health. There’s a lot of ifs there though.

Like many farming families, there has long been a plan to ensure the farm is not sold on someone’s death, and I do intend to return to it at some point.

These comments did cause me to ask myself how I would react if my children asked me to move somewhere to make caring for me easier in my old age. And I would undoubtedly object, preferring to live out my end of life on the farm and expecting them to be there to make that happen.

And so I suppose that’s the ultimate answer -if I expect someone to do it for me, I better do it for someone else.

It’s absolutely crazy (and extremely selfish) that you are expecting this from your kids in your old age. Your parents grew up in a very different generation in a rural area where I’m sure it was more the norm for children to drop everything to care for their parents (and a lot more feasible with extended families tending to live closer together and single family incomes being more the norm). In this day and age (and with plenty of time to prepare) there’s no excuse for going into your retirement with the expectation that your adult children will prioritize your elder care (to include relocating!) over their own families/jobs/ambitions.

Hopefully in time you’ll rethink your priorities but at minimum I hope you have a good backup plan!!!