To “move home” or not: aging parents and leaving

[Anonymous]

My father recently had a brain bleed and is recovering. He also is, separately, facing heart surgery for a leaking valve and aneurysm. … I feel like these are signs that it’s time for me to seriously consider moving back home to be closer to my parents. It’s harder to take care of things, there are more things to take care of and their days are not infinite.
They have a farm, which I would never consider selling, and I would never ask my dad to leave in his final days. … my mother would run away from the farm in a minute if given the chance.

I am a single mother with a one year old and three year old, so it would be a big move. I’d also be going from the middle of DC to deep in Trump’s red America (though my parents are wonderfully liberal).

My parents are very opposed to me moving back - which I think is them projecting a little anger at not leaving - but I’m not opposed to it. I just am scared at the reality of raising two boys in a red state where women’s rights have been curtailed, where transgendered kids are loosing rights, where guns are a point of pride, and a host of other things I’m forgetting but seem so different than our life here.

Has anyone faced a similar choice? Have you made it work, living in DC? Have you regretted your choice?

My parents are about a 15 hour drive from DC. If I fly, it takes about 7 hours door to door. So, it’s not an easy trip.

[Anonymous]

Your mom doesn’t like the farm.

Your dad may die soon, it sounds like.

I’d stay in dc assuming you like it here and try to visit as much as you can.

When your dad dies you can move your mom to dc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom doesn’t like the farm.

Your dad may die soon, it sounds like.

I’d stay in dc assuming you like it here and try to visit as much as you can.

When your dad dies you can move your mom to dc.

Ps I say this as someone who has parents in a red state.

Your parents don’t want you to sacrifice your life to that degree

[Anonymous]

Your boys will be perfectly all right in a red state. You have consumed too much media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom doesn’t like the farm.

Your dad may die soon, it sounds like.

I’d stay in dc assuming you like it here and try to visit as much as you can.

When your dad dies you can move your mom to dc.

Yes on to come. We do not want anymore liberals here, we e had enough. Stay away!

[Anonymous]

Can you reexamine your resistance to moving your dad? He presumably can't work the farm, your mom doesn't like it, they are far from family and need help. Are you sure he shouldn't move?
When he passes, are you keeping the farm and if so, why?

I considered whether to move back home to be near my parents. I decided not to uproot my family and accept a lower quality of life, to assist adults who could move near me but won't. A major factor was the thought of being stuck there once my parents died: the reason for being there would be gone, but it would be extremely difficult to move again at that point, with me probably in my mid-late career and kids in middle or high school.

[Anonymous]

I’d go. I’d regret not going.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it.

Your parents (your dad at least) had the chance to choose a life for themselves, and you have that right, too.

Your father could be gone in a month or last ten years - you don't know what the future holds. I had a family member make a big move like this to a less preferred location and the parent ended up passing very quickly. If your mother doesn't want to be there long term, why would you make this move?

Also, is the farming life the way you want to raise your kids? If yes, then move. I would be less worried about politics and more about where your heart tells you you want to raise your family, where you can be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boys will be perfectly all right in a red state. You have consumed too much media.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your boys will be perfectly all right in a red state. You have consumed too much media.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

If the father or other family members are involved in the children's lives, would moving that far make it difficult or impossible to see them regularly?

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. I moved back and am full time caregiver and I am forever altered. It is not an easy thing to do and the world as you know will change. Visit often and do not have regrets. If you like where you are, that is your home. Sadly this is a rough time in life. Agree with pp, consider moving your mother up to you in the future. The red state has not been a factor, yet.

[Anonymous]

What did your parents do when their parents were old? Did they drop their whole lives and race there to take care of them?

When both your parents die, what will happen to this farm? Are you sure your mother won’t sell it if your father dies?

Your parents knowingly made a choice (living on farm—how isolated is it?) that comes with difficulties in old age. They seem to want to live out that choice, and don’t want you to feel responsible for making everything easy for them. You made a choice to move far away in a place that aligns more with your values. Honestly I’d stay where I am in your situation.

[Anonymous]

I vote don't move.

That said, wait until your father has had surgery and a chance to recover. Find out what the new normal is for your parents and what resources are available to them before you decide.

[Anonymous]

Isn't this a plot to a Hallmark movie. You will show up and have to plan the fall festival where you will meet a cute and normal farmer?