Reply to To “move home” or not: aging parents and leaving

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t see how it’s selfish to expect your kids to look after you when you’re elderly. They spent their best years and money looking after you.[/quote]

Okay assuming you’re not a troll let’s play this out. Imagine a young couple fall in love and get married. Both wife and husband (who are both only children) find decent paying, fulfilling jobs in DC, and have two children. The future is looking bright.

Fast forward 7 years. Wife’s father in Arkansas has a stroke and can no longer live alone. He refuses to leave his longtime home to go into an assisted living facility or move to live close to wife and her family, but instead demands that she come to care for him (as is her “duty”) and allow him to age in place in his home. After much back and forth and second guessing wife and husband decide to “fulfill their duty” and move back to wife’s home town to care for the ailing father/FIL.  Wife and husband find new jobs however they are less fulfilling and both have lower salaries, requiring cutbacks in college savings and family activities. They have to enroll their kids in new less desirable childcare programs and leave behind friends. Marital tensions begin to mount.

Now image it’s two years after that: wife’s father’s situation has not significantly worsened but he is still in need of significant support and remains intent in staying in his home. Now husband finds out that his own mother’s health is declining. She requires intensive caregiving but lives in Arizona and is similarly unwilling to relocate or have a stranger care for her and expects husband to come care for her.

How are these expectations tenable and are you really so selfish as to be willing to inflict this type of situation on your children?
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