DD and fiancé are living way beyond their means. Do I say anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you know what they earn? I have no idea why, but my parents are convinced I make like 40-50k and I make 150k.

Yes I know. She has told me.

Are you sure she told the truth? My spouse earned more than my father with decades less experience in the same industry. We downplayed our salaries so that we didn't embarrass him.

Why does DCUM always insist people have secret income!!!

A lot of people are subsidized by their parents. You would never guess.

I certainly would guess that, but PP is suggesting they have secret income *from their parents,* which is beyond stupid.

[Anonymous]

Honestly even if it is overstepping, I think it's too important to just completely ignore it and say nothing. A financial advisor, like PP suggested, is one idea. But I would find some way to broach the subject.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw, I think it took my DHs family years to realize that I had family money. It's not something you'd really know about me otherwise in my 20s, I worked hard and mostly spent the money I earned. But as the years went on and we were able to buy a house, then renovate that house, then send my DH to law school, then take a year off work when the babies were born... I think they realize it now.

So I guess I'm just sharing this to say that you really don't know her fiancé's financial situation, even if you know his salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you know what they earn? I have no idea why, but my parents are convinced I make like 40-50k and I make 150k.

Yes I know. She has told me.

Are you sure she told the truth? My spouse earned more than my father with decades less experience in the same industry. We downplayed our salaries so that we didn't embarrass him.

Why does DCUM always insist people have secret income!!!

A lot of people are subsidized by their parents. You would never guess.

I certainly would guess that, but PP is suggesting they have secret income *from their parents,* which is beyond stupid.

What does OP know about fiancé’s financial situation? What, for that matter, does DD know about her fiancé’s financial situation? Truth about money matters is often hidden even from spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly even if it is overstepping, I think it's too important to just completely ignore it and say nothing. A financial advisor, like PP suggested, is one idea. But I would find some way to broach the subject.

Keep treating your adult children like they are a little kids and you will drive them away. OP has no idea what their finances are like. Yes, she probably knows their income but she’s not seeing receipt for what they’re buying. My kids have a lot of nice stuff that I know they didn’t pay a lot for. They buy on sale, etc.

[Anonymous]

MYOB works great until the children come begging for money for decades.

If DD is spending outlandishly, OP failed to teach financial sense and control (not judging, it's hard) and is well within their place to try to fix that.

Then if DD pushes back, OP did their part and is guilt-free to spend their money on more worthwhile pursuits than bailing out a spendthrift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dave Ramsey's book.

Why would you give your kid terrible advice?

While I don't like the "religious aspect" of Dave Ramsey, what is so "terrible" about his plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB works great until the children come begging for money for decades.

If DD is spending outlandishly, OP failed to teach financial sense and control (not judging, it's hard) and is well within their place to try to fix that.

Then if DD pushes back, OP did their part and is guilt-free to spend their money on more worthwhile pursuits than bailing out a spendthrift.

I think it's OK to have a talk with DD about the perils of overspending.

You need to make it clear to DD that you will not bail her out, ever. If she ends up bankrupt, she can sleep in your spare bedroom, but you won't pay for anything for her.

I told my kids that we would pay for college, and after that, they are 100% on their own. They are always welcome to live at home (none of them chose that option), but we would not pay for anything, nor would we bail them out if they got into financial trouble. We do pay half of their airfare when they come home because want them to visit us, and we give them gifts for holidays and birthday, but never money!! We ask if there's something they need, and give them that.

I have a friend who's been bailed out by her wealthy mom for her entire life. It's infantalizing. She's never truly grown up.

[Anonymous]

Any chance the fiancé has inheritance / family wealth? My DH and I have always tried to live within our salaries and save gifts from my parents and grandparents, but we could have spent more in our 20s without coming close to debt.

[Anonymous]

My father recently told my brother that he (my dad) was concerned about my financial situation. My brother told me. I make more money at 35 than my dad ever did and my mom never made more that $10 an hour. I dont have a ton saved for retirement because I jumped around and traveled alot in my 20s but my parents have no idea what i have saved or my side job that brings in $900 a month.

[Anonymous]

They are adults. Let go of the leash, crazy lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you know what they earn? I have no idea why, but my parents are convinced I make like 40-50k and I make 150k.

Yes I know. She has told me.

Are you sure she told the truth? My spouse earned more than my father with decades less experience in the same industry. We downplayed our salaries so that we didn't embarrass him.

Why does DCUM always insist people have secret income!!!

A lot of people are subsidized by their parents. You would never guess.

I certainly would guess that, but PP is suggesting they have secret income *from their parents,* which is beyond stupid.

What does OP know about fiancé’s financial situation? What, for that matter, does DD know about her fiancé’s financial situation? Truth about money matters is often hidden even from spouses.

The idea that it's MORE likely that OP's daughter is secretly rolling in it, than that she's just overspending, is laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly even if it is overstepping, I think it's too important to just completely ignore it and say nothing. A financial advisor, like PP suggested, is one idea. But I would find some way to broach the subject.

Keep treating your adult children like they are a little kids and you will drive them away. OP has no idea what their finances are like. Yes, she probably knows their income but she’s not seeing receipt for what they’re buying. My kids have a lot of nice stuff that I know they didn’t pay a lot for. They buy on sale, etc.

Don't worry about my relationship with my kids. I didn't raise them to be petty with a hair trigger.

[Anonymous]

My sibling in laws always spent money on the finer things, despite not having the income for it. Now they can't afford the car they think they need.

This is the common case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how much DD and her fiancé earn and what their rent is and it is very obvious based on their spending on restaurants, clothes, recreation, and travel that there is no way they are doing this without incurring significant debt. Do I attempt to broach this topic with her at all?

If it is true then you may say something gently once. Don’t push and make it personal.

I’m sure you’ve gone through phases your parents didn’t approve of.