12yo shared inappropriate joke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are off your rocker. The kid has learned not to repeat a particular joke. That's a reasonable lesson.

The better lesson might be don't repeat a joke that you don't understand the punchline yourself. So many kids are just reckless because they've never been held accountable - you heard it get a laugh so now you're telling it, and when you catch a black eye it's "what's a gas chamber? how is this my fault??" Don't tell him the problem is he met a bully. Don't tell him it's not his fault if he didn't know what he was saying. Tell him to shut up if he doesn't know what he's saying. Own your words.

[Anonymous]

OP, my much younger daughter came home the other day and said that another girl had made a joking comment about another girl’s skin and the second girl got incredibly upset and called her a racist. My add is too young to be a reliable narrator but from what she repeated it did not sound maliciously intended. We discussed that there has been a history of people being cruel to black people in this country and particularly a history of cruelty based on the color of their skin. We already have a policy of not commenting on other people’s appearance (necessary because she used to like to tell people they had a big belly like the dad in Peppa pig) but I hope to add additional context over the years. Anyway I would be sure you are making the bigger point that it’s not about THIS joke but that many jokes about minority groups are based on hatred or prejudice and in general should not be repeated whether you think they are fine or not. I would have thought a 12 year old would know that but again my kids are younger so I don’t really know. I completely agree with the suggestions to make his consequences related to understanding why his comment was offensive and why what the Jewish people have been through but I’d really spell out the issues here very clearly and very generally in case he’s not picking up on some of these social lessons that he should be getting in school etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are off your rocker. The kid has learned not to repeat a particular joke. That's a reasonable lesson.

The better lesson might be don't repeat a joke that you don't understand the punchline yourself. So many kids are just reckless because they've never been held accountable - you heard it get a laugh so now you're telling it, and when you catch a black eye it's "what's a gas chamber? how is this my fault??" Don't tell him the problem is he met a bully. Don't tell him it's not his fault if he didn't know what he was saying. Tell him to shut up if he doesn't know what he's saying. Own your words.

OP - I agree with you. My son didn’t fully understand it and our word is our bond. He knows this. Being successful life in life comes down to trust and integrity. This is a good lesson for him, but I’m sad that it’s at the expense of being hurtful to others. The bully has a different set of issues that are out of my control and interest level beyond correcting this situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my much younger daughter came home the other day and said that another girl had made a joking comment about another girl’s skin and the second girl got incredibly upset and called her a racist. My add is too young to be a reliable narrator but from what she repeated it did not sound maliciously intended. We discussed that there has been a history of people being cruel to black people in this country and particularly a history of cruelty based on the color of their skin. We already have a policy of not commenting on other people’s appearance (necessary because she used to like to tell people they had a big belly like the dad in Peppa pig) but I hope to add additional context over the years. Anyway I would be sure you are making the bigger point that it’s not about THIS joke but that many jokes about minority groups are based on hatred or prejudice and in general should not be repeated whether you think they are fine or not. I would have thought a 12 year old would know that but again my kids are younger so I don’t really know. I completely agree with the suggestions to make his consequences related to understanding why his comment was offensive and why what the Jewish people have been through but I’d really spell out the issues here very clearly and very generally in case he’s not picking up on some of these social lessons that he should be getting in school etc.

We love Daddy Pig! Yes you’re right there are several lessons here about judgment and trust. What’s confusing to him is that a Jewish friend told him the joke, so even though my son had a sense that it was inappropriate, he didn’t realize how truly offensive and hurtful it is. The person he shared it with, who he thought was his friend, then told others. So it’s a lot of lessons for a young one. I don’t think it’s as much about age as wisdom, I’m 50 and I say stupid things at times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him write a letter to the entire camp.

Then read aloud during morning snack.

I’d make him gather enough wood to build a makeshift cross with his own bare hands, anchor it in the campground, then hoist himself aloft tethered however you see fit as a family by the hands and feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him write a letter to the entire camp.

Then read aloud during morning snack.

Da fook

[Anonymous]

No, don't call the parents. The kids are too old for you to be getting in the middle of this, unless you already knew them well. Your son will have to live with the consequence of being thought of poorly for telling an inappropriate joke. He will survive, as will you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make him write a letter to the entire camp.

Then read aloud during morning snack.

I’d make him gather enough wood to build a makeshift cross with his own bare hands, anchor it in the campground, then hoist himself aloft tethered however you see fit as a family by the hands and feet.

Sorry, but you’re forgetting that he needs to carry it uphill first. Otherwise it’s all for naught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my much younger daughter came home the other day and said that another girl had made a joking comment about another girl’s skin and the second girl got incredibly upset and called her a racist. My add is too young to be a reliable narrator but from what she repeated it did not sound maliciously intended. We discussed that there has been a history of people being cruel to black people in this country and particularly a history of cruelty based on the color of their skin. We already have a policy of not commenting on other people’s appearance (necessary because she used to like to tell people they had a big belly like the dad in Peppa pig) but I hope to add additional context over the years. Anyway I would be sure you are making the bigger point that it’s not about THIS joke but that many jokes about minority groups are based on hatred or prejudice and in general should not be repeated whether you think they are fine or not. I would have thought a 12 year old would know that but again my kids are younger so I don’t really know. I completely agree with the suggestions to make his consequences related to understanding why his comment was offensive and why what the Jewish people have been through but I’d really spell out the issues here very clearly and very generally in case he’s not picking up on some of these social lessons that he should be getting in school etc.

I'm not sure what lessons, explicit or implicit, that you think kids are learning in school. But I don't think any school teaches 12 year olds that Jews are persecuted and therefore cannot be the subject of jokes, unless the joke is told by a Jewish person. For the "no punching down" rule, that isn't taught in school. Some adults pick it up somewhere along the way. Others don't.

[Anonymous]

You need to grow a thicker skin, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow a thicker skin, op.

OP I’m a sensitive person and I’m also trying to raise considerate kids. So I’m disappointed about the whole situation

[Anonymous]

I'd follow the camp's lead on how to handle things there. Likely, it's just the news of the week, and by next week, everyone will have forgotten about it. And the fact that people are hurt by this is an important lesson to your son. If there are some natural consequences of everyone thinking he's a mean, close minded kid, that's okay. It's just summer camp.

I do think you should use this as an opening to talking about marginalized, prosecuted groups, particularly if your son is a white, cis, straight, boy. This could be a real learning experience for him. Consider talking to the rabbi of a synagogue near you. Seek their advice. I know in my (probably 20% Jewish) town when I was growing up, a couple of kids about your sons age destroyed the menorah in the town square during Hanukkah. The local rabbi requested that they not be prosecuted, and instead had them do some study and meetings with him to talk about Jewish history and faith, the Holocaust, histories of Jewish persecution. I forget exactly what but as I recall there was a very happy ending (maybe the boys decided on their own to fundraise to buy a new menorah or something?) I always really respected the way the rabbi handled it. Your local rabbi might have some good ideas for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow a thicker skin, op.

OP I’m a sensitive person and I’m also trying to raise considerate kids. So I’m disappointed about the whole situation

I think the natural consequences have played out, and you could make things worse by intervening more. Other kids called him out, he was punched, his parents are disappointed. You've had discussions with him about why it was wrong. Yes, it's embarrassing, but as your kids get older, they do things that will surprise and sometimes shock you (I have teens). As a parent of a teenager and young adult, you will face other situations like this that are life lessons for your child. Try to put aside your feelings of embarrassment and disappointment and just help your child deal with his mistake and any fallout. Not every decision your child makes directly reflects your parenting.

[Anonymous]

What was the joke? Is your 12 year old not very smart? I have a hard time believing he did not really understand the joke, but hard to say if we don't know what it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, your kid told a racist joke to impress older kids. Let's not forget that. Frankly, he should probably be suspended. Were demerits or whatever got the other kid suspended issued to your son as well?

Let go of stuff like "he told someone he thought was a friend." If someone I thought was a friend told a racist joke, I would absolutely tell other people that that happened so they'd know that person's views.