12yo shared inappropriate joke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kid told a racist joke to impress older kids. Let's not forget that. Frankly, he should probably be suspended. Were demerits or whatever got the other kid suspended issued to your son as well?

Let go of stuff like "he told someone he thought was a friend." If someone I thought was a friend told a racist joke, I would absolutely tell other people that that happened so they'd know that person's views.

OP - no demerits for my son, he hasn’t had any issues ever in school or camp where as the other kid was on his last chance. But I do think DS is paying for this in other ways. We picked up The Diary of Anne Frank which he’s going to read and then summarize for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, don't call the parents. The kids are too old for you to be getting in the middle of this, unless you already knew them well. Your son will have to live with the consequence of being thought of poorly for telling an inappropriate joke. He will survive, as will you.

Ok good advice. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to grow a thicker skin, op.

OP I’m a sensitive person and I’m also trying to raise considerate kids. So I’m disappointed about the whole situation

I think the natural consequences have played out, and you could make things worse by intervening more. Other kids called him out, he was punched, his parents are disappointed. You've had discussions with him about why it was wrong. Yes, it's embarrassing, but as your kids get older, they do things that will surprise and sometimes shock you (I have teens). As a parent of a teenager and young adult, you will face other situations like this that are life lessons for your child. Try to put aside your feelings of embarrassment and disappointment and just help your child deal with his mistake and any fallout. Not every decision your child makes directly reflects your parenting.

This is very kind of you. Thank you 🙏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd follow the camp's lead on how to handle things there. Likely, it's just the news of the week, and by next week, everyone will have forgotten about it. And the fact that people are hurt by this is an important lesson to your son. If there are some natural consequences of everyone thinking he's a mean, close minded kid, that's okay. It's just summer camp.

I do think you should use this as an opening to talking about marginalized, prosecuted groups, particularly if your son is a white, cis, straight, boy. This could be a real learning experience for him. Consider talking to the rabbi of a synagogue near you. Seek their advice. I know in my (probably 20% Jewish) town when I was growing up, a couple of kids about your sons age destroyed the menorah in the town square during Hanukkah. The local rabbi requested that they not be prosecuted, and instead had them do some study and meetings with him to talk about Jewish history and faith, the Holocaust, histories of Jewish persecution. I forget exactly what but as I recall there was a very happy ending (maybe the boys decided on their own to fundraise to buy a new menorah or something?) I always really respected the way the rabbi handled it. Your local rabbi might have some good ideas for you.

He’s reading the diary of Anne Frank and will write a summary on it afterwards. We’re taking this very seriously. Gosh what a beautiful way the rabbi handled it. Kids and all of us can be so stupid but to be treated with grace in the face of it is so impressive

[Anonymous]

Get MAUS. It's a graphic novel (comic book).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get MAUS. It's a graphic novel (comic book).

Thank you. I was just on my way to the library and was able to pick up both volumes. Along with the diary

[Anonymous]

Tell him to read the rape of nanjing while you’re at it since you’re raising a little tyrant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk shit, get it. Looks to me like the kids handled it among themselves and everything is fine now.

+1 the kid has been sufficiently punished and received a clear message that he should not have shared the joke. If he did anything similar again, that would require all the things you have planned but he's 12! He is polishing off his informal learning on appropriately behavior with peers and this was his lesson. Do you feel it didn't sink in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk shit, get it. Looks to me like the kids handled it among themselves and everything is fine now.

+1 the kid has been sufficiently punished and received a clear message that he should not have shared the joke. If he did anything similar again, that would require all the things you have planned but he's 12! He is polishing off his informal learning on appropriately behavior with peers and this was his lesson. Do you feel it didn't sink in?

OP - it’s still unfolding plus he’s my oldest so I’m probably over analyzing it all. But he’s definitely remorseful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your kid told a racist joke to impress older kids. Let's not forget that. Frankly, he should probably be suspended. Were demerits or whatever got the other kid suspended issued to your son as well?

Let go of stuff like "he told someone he thought was a friend." If someone I thought was a friend told a racist joke, I would absolutely tell other people that that happened so they'd know that person's views.

You don’t even know the joke but you’re quick to judge the kid guilty of something. No judgement without having all the facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was probably the pizza and Jew joke. Very despicable

If that was indeed the "joke" OP's son told, then that's really bad!

[Anonymous]

Sometimes kids say things they shouldn’t, without fully understanding words and consequences. This is an opportunity to show him how he can hurts those he loves/is friends with and invite violence from crazy folks. What detonated everything: What he said.
Once something is said, it cannot be taken back but rather one is left to explain and deal with consequences.
Having this conversation and explaining the joke to him, as well as the stereotypes it plays into, is key. Equally important is explaining why it was said by your friend and what you said/didn’t say when it was told to you, in your home, where he heard it. He thought it was OK after that incident. We tend to forget children will listen and see to us what is acceptable/unacceptable.
I don’t think there is a need for a massive and complex act of forgiveness, but rather of understanding why what he did was wrong. Whatever you have him do, make sure he understands what he did beyond the shock it created.

[Anonymous]

Most of the jokes teen boys tell are offensive in some way. I hear them and I think they all cross a line so I do think it’s hard to know what the line is. Two rules that sometimes work is the punching up rule and the concept that people in tue group can tell jokes or use words that people outside the group cannot. I stress to my teen son it’s better to err on the side of not offending even if it means you’re not the life of the party.

I would tell your son not to be defensive. If people say anything to him have him say something like “you’re right. I should not have told that joke. I’m really sorry. I didn’t really understand it and I feel awful about it.” I think older boys will appreciate that younger boys ane often idiots and will give him credit for apologizing. My 14 year old son thinks all the 12 year old boys are obnoxious idiots. I remind him that he was one too.

[Anonymous]

Oh man can you share the joke? I bet it’s a like 1 out of 10. We had some killer jokes when I was like 8-9 years old. This sounds weak. I want to see if it’s funny or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all are off your rocker. The kid has learned not to repeat a particular joke. That's a reasonable lesson.

Agree. I think the lesson was learned. Let it go