DD24 doesn’t drive, no real friends and no real job

[Anonymous]

Yes, a therapist would be helpful and maybe a career coach. It sounds like she is capable, and best case scenario the therapy helps her.

But if it turns out the anxiety is completely debilitating, then worst case scenario, she's going to need that therapist to get disability and health insurance through a program. You should talk to a financial planner in the latter case and make appropriate arrangements so she is not totally dependent on her siblings. Also if the latter become the case, the siblings should be involved in the planning if possible.

[Anonymous]

Learning to drive -- there better be a darn good reason she absolutely can't, or you are doing her a huge disservice.

Learning to drive - that's on you to fix and insist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you sell your house and downsize now? That might get her moving along.

This. You are in your late 60s, you should be downsizing and thinking about continuing care communities or similar. Perhaps you can determine a small stipend to support, but I think your DD needs therapy and the non-negotiable requirement to get a place of her own to get her to move forward.

+2

[Anonymous]

Is she being medicated for this anxiety? Is she seeing someone for this? Because the absolute worst thing for anxiety is to give into it and to avoid all the things that make you anxious.

I worry that you may be trying to “help” her but you are sending the message that you think she is incapable. You should be sending her the exact opposite message, that these things make her anxious but that you believe she is capable of doing them. It sounds like you *don’t* think that, but how much of what you think is based on reality? If you dropped dead, how would she get to her various appointments, etc? Why could that not start now?

[Anonymous]

<< She states her social anxiety keeps her from leaving the house without me or DH. On camera she’s so confident but she’s never been to a doctors appointment without us for support. >>

Question: is she on anti-anxiety medication and is she seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist?

[Anonymous]

This right here is why you shouldn’t have kids in your 40s.

[Anonymous]

Listen for anything she says about goals, dreams, etc. Then help id steps to getting there. Framing it as helping her achieve desires will get further than “tough love.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on where you live, driving may be unnecessary. I’d focus on the rest (a job etc).

+1. Not driving is not a big deal, lots of people never learn. She can get a second/traditional job that is fully remote. Maybe the medium term goal is an apartment near transit and if she doesn't like transit perhaps she'll be motivated to drive. But that all can wait fir the other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has significant anxiety issues, some health issues (PCOS & hyperthyroidism) and a mild learning disability. She’s struggled with both since she was around 6.

DH&I have constantly battled against each other and ourselves regarding how to parent her and what realistic expectations look like.

She’s our only kid together but we each raised several before getting together. We are in our late 60s and I’m starting to worry about her ability to cope when we are gone.

She relies on us a lot and I will admit we both have babied her. She has zero interest in going out with friends, learning to drive or getting a job outside the home. She has a YouTube channel and posts regularly and that brings in more than we expected but probably not enough for her to get a place on her own.

Anytime we push the subject of her next steps she breaks down. She states she has no interest in moving out.

She has an AA from our local community college and attempted to find a job in her field (graphic design) but hasn’t. She doesn’t want to try anything not related to her degree.

I guess if we died we’d leave the house to her so at least she’d have a home.

Her needs aren’t so severe she needs adult services but she is not as functional as most able-bodied adults her age.

Is this something a therapist could help with?

She needs to live on her own for a while. You too need to relax and have her learn independence. Get her enrolled in your state school to get a bachelor's degree and experience student housing. Get her a retail job for some income of her own. Gift her 10 driving lessons from a driving school. Report back in one year.

[Anonymous]

Yes and virtual therapy to start with.

[Anonymous]

OP - I actually think that the three of you might start with Family Therapy first so that an experienced therapist can help you hear your daughter's view/needs and she can hear you and DH's views. Then working together develop a guided plan for the three of you as you all are in a "safe holding pattern," which could go on for years or end with an unexpected event tomorrow. Having a neutral party define the next step(s) and having the next session set to account will be a starting point.

- A full physical for your daughter might be in order to rule out any kind of a contributing physical such as thyroid, vitamin deficiency etc.

- An in-person mental health screening with one of you driving her, but not going to the appointment will be key, and a referral from the family therapist might be a way to go after a couple of sessions, since I imagine your daughter will benefit from seeing how it actually can work. (In setting up a family session, I would define this as a key goal, and I would say with a female psychiatrist.)

- Setting up a weekly routine with your DD on activities which would broaden her horizon from home, but perhaps with no set goal in the beginning may be important to get her out of the house to do one thing each day. This could be a goal set with therapist.

a- Using community resources such as the public library
b- Joining a fitness center with a young adult as well as older age range and group classes
c- Getting her to do some of the house errands such as the week's food shopping off of a list planned together -- while you or DH run other errands (real or made up),
d- Choosing a volunteer interest with a commitment of say 3/4 hours weekly

- It goes without saying that at times she is planning meals, cooking for the three of you, doing regular household tasks for herself. If not, this has to be amped up.
- I do not remember if you and DH take trips, but I would plan at least a three day .

[Anonymous]

What's her plan for health insurance? Start there. Next, driver's license. In a year or so, a place of her own.

But yes, you created this mess by babying her, that's a well known way to create a non-functional adult. Hopefully her siblings don't resent her so that she'll have those relationships when you are gone.

[Anonymous]

OP - It is easy to get into a pattern (I am the prior poster with the family therapy approach) as I stopped as I had a call come in to take. I know the pattern as we have a daughter in her late thirties who lives with us and she has a moderate level of developmental disability which prevents her from driving. Still she has a part-time job (mid-day) in college dining room three days a week and volunteers on Fridays at the senior center at lunch time doing tables. She also does weekly outings with a college student in our community including going to the fitness center she belongs to (and needs someone to help her on equipment ), bowling, swimming, hiking area trails etc. and a couple of times a week in the summers. She also takes weekly piano lessons which gives her something to keep learning and to also do that she enjoys in her free time and participates in group activities with the local adaptive recreation program. She also does her laundry, vacuums/dusts her level of the house, helps prepare meals as she can. Your daughter is not her, and yet in many ways is becoming even more limited in future independence.

I do understand that it is upsetting to make changes in the lifestyle which you all have adapted, too, and have been used to, BUT it is key that you and DH do so. In our case, it is not just looking at the financial piece, but we do need to involve her sisters at some point when we are no longer able to care for her. But this should not become your reality with a daughter who has severe anxiety. By the way, our oldest daughter has it and touches base with her therapist weekly and is on medication. It was not diagnosed till age 18, but she met her educational goals, has a full-time flexible job, married and has children. She came to understand what she needs to do to keep her anxiety in balance, which includes exercise and therapy, and has been able to have full life. It was harder to see her struggle than the youngest in many ways. So please get the professional supoprt you and DH need to give your daughter the chance at a full life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does her Dr say?

She sounds very mentally ill. I’m not a professional though

+1

Does she have untreated ADHD or ASD?

[Anonymous]

How long has she had the YouTube channel? How many subscribers? Is it growing? If her YouTube channel is doing well, I would have her focus on growing that. Has she looked into brand deals or Patreon to up her income? As an introvert with anxiety and dyslexia, I have a really hard time working outside of the home. For me the answer is a low stress part-time job, but I have a husband who supports that.