DD24 doesn’t drive, no real friends and no real job

[Anonymous]

DD has significant anxiety issues, some health issues (PCOS & hyperthyroidism) and a mild learning disability. She’s struggled with both since she was around 6.

DH&I have constantly battled against each other and ourselves regarding how to parent her and what realistic expectations look like.

She’s our only kid together but we each raised several before getting together. We are in our late 60s and I’m starting to worry about her ability to cope when we are gone.

She relies on us a lot and I will admit we both have babied her. She has zero interest in going out with friends, learning to drive or getting a job outside the home. She has a YouTube channel and posts regularly and that brings in more than we expected but probably not enough for her to get a place on her own.

Anytime we push the subject of her next steps she breaks down. She states she has no interest in moving out.

She has an AA from our local community college and attempted to find a job in her field (graphic design) but hasn’t. She doesn’t want to try anything not related to her degree.

I guess if we died we’d leave the house to her so at least she’d have a home.

Her needs aren’t so severe she needs adult services but she is not as functional as most able-bodied adults her age.

Is this something a therapist could help with?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's completely unable to cope with being uncomfortable. Yes to therapy and yes to ending the coddling. She's 24.

She needs to get a license and a job. I'd suggest pushing her toward other careers honestly. You can do fine as a graphic designer (I'm one) but it's extremely competitive and it requires hustle, which your daughter does not have. She needs to pick a less competitive field.

But most of all, she needs to build up the confidence to believe she can do more. She needs to want to do more. And you have to stop making it easy for her to do nothing.

[Anonymous]

She needs to be pushed. I have severe and multiple learning disabilities, hypothyroidism and an AA degree. I have driven since I was 16, and moved out at 23, four months after getting my degree. You’ve made her life easy and that’s why she doesn’t do anything.

[Anonymous]

Why would she become more self sufficient if the way she is she can get the house all to herself? Are other kids going to be compensated?
I am sure she will be fine, she just chooses to live that way.

[Anonymous]

What does her Dr say?

She sounds very mentally ill. I’m not a professional though

[Anonymous]

A therapist and possibly a psychiatrist, but don't discount the kinds of adult services she may be eligible for. What state are you in? She may be eligible for Vocational Rehabilitation or Transition services (though she may be too old for the transition services). I think those are the programs that will focus on the nuts and bolts of daily living, whereas a therapist and psychiatrist would focus more on giving her the meds/coping strategies so that she is able to do those things.

[Anonymous]

PP again. OP, I thought you were posting in the Special Needs Forum. You may want to ask to have this post moved there. Otherwise you are going to get a lot of uninformed opinions. Your daughter sounds like she needs help.

[Anonymous]

Yes, a therapist would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, for sure. And you and your husband should be involved so you do not undermine her independence,

It is clear that you love her. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It’s not fair that she inherits the house if you have other children. It needs to be divided up equally.
If she has an AA she is capable. You need to find a way to push her out of the nest or she will never fly. Hopefully a therapist can help? Or a life coach?

[Anonymous]

I have two adult kids who have special needs and without significant intervention will not be independent. But I don’t want them living in a box behind Home Depot when I die.

For the oldest, I helped him get a county job - pays a living wage, health insurance, a pension and paid leave. It’s not a satisfying job. But it pays the bills and the union protects him from being abused by his employer, which has been an issue in the past. He has training in a trade. But honestly, there are custodian jobs that require no training and have the same benefits.

The younger one has more serious issues. For him, I have cut all support except living in the house, phone plan (but not phone - he has to buy and pay for upkeep himself) and paying for mental health care. I am on vacation and left an empty refrigerator. His progress is slow but we’re moving forward. The sole goal is independence before I die and I work every day toward that goal. I’m sure that some things I do look like coddling, like I don’t kick him out, but you can’t look at anything in a vacuum.

My younger son has used school resources to help move forward. He was in a non mainstream HS program and they continue to offer support. It’s a huge resource and if you have this as an option I’d highly recommend trying it.

I have a brother with mental health issues. Siblings have had to care for him - some more than others and I don’t get the award here. I do not want to leave this legacy for my other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not fair that she inherits the house if you have other children. It needs to be divided up equally.
If she has an AA she is capable. You need to find a way to push her out of the nest or she will never fly. Hopefully a therapist can help? Or a life coach?

Our other adult children are in their 40s with lucrative careers, homes and families. They truly don’t need our modest home.

Our youngest daughters situation is different than her older half-siblings. I want her to get out and find a job and gain some independence. But she truly may not be capable of total financial independence the way they are, for the reasons I disclosed above.

I know plenty of people are highly successful with chronic illnesses and disabilities but that may not be DDs reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not fair that she inherits the house if you have other children. It needs to be divided up equally.
If she has an AA she is capable. You need to find a way to push her out of the nest or she will never fly. Hopefully a therapist can help? Or a life coach?

Our other adult children are in their 40s with lucrative careers, homes and families. They truly don’t need our modest home.

Our youngest daughters situation is different than her older half-siblings. I want her to get out and find a job and gain some independence. But she truly may not be capable of total financial independence the way they are, for the reasons I disclosed above.

I know plenty of people are highly successful with chronic illnesses and disabilities but that may not be DDs reality.

DP. It’s the principle.
Also she is technically a household of her own even if she lives with you. Maybe it makes sense to apply for subsidized housing for her as only her income is counted. That would solve the problem of the roof over her head.

[Anonymous]

Also how will she upkeep the house if she doesn’t have money?

[Anonymous]

You need to stop babying her. It sounds like she's fairly capable. She has a college degree and does a YouTube channel that makes money. I don't think you realize how much work and effort that takes.