SIL asked us to take her kids overnight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this a 24 hour thing? Is it out of town? Why can't they drop the kids off late in the day and pick up in the morning?

Op here, no. It's not out of town.

SIL and my DH still live in the town they grew up in (I did not grow up here). SIL lives about 5 blocks from her old higschool. She married her HS sweetheart and is still close friends with her friends from highschool.

They want to party and not have obligations for 24 hours.

Since you have built a list of babysitters, maybe suggest one to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this a 24 hour thing? Is it out of town? Why can't they drop the kids off late in the day and pick up in the morning?

Op here, no. It's not out of town.

SIL and my DH still live in the town they grew up in (I did not grow up here). SIL lives about 5 blocks from her old higschool. She married her HS sweetheart and is still close friends with her friends from highschool.

They want to party and not have obligations for 24 hours.

You could say that you can't do 24 hours because you have other plans, but offer 5pm-10am the next morning. They can still get drunk without taking up an entire day of your time. Of course, you just hate them and don't want to make it work so just say no. You don't have to justify it by trying to convince the internet that she's horrible because she wasn't able to help you last minute that one time you had mastitis when she also had a 1 year old and 4 year old.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine to say no, OP.
You get what you give.

[Anonymous]

OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.

[Anonymous]

Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.

They are your family through marriage. Ok, we get you don't like them and don't want to help. But, you do clearly have plenty of time.

[Anonymous]

You sound insane.

[Anonymous]

Nobody said you have to bend over backwards for family. But you'd be more sympathetic if you stopped lying about how you're happy to help out occasionally, and of course you want a bond with them, and of course you would like to build a connection for your kid and their cousins.

You don't like them, so don't do it. But the needless attempts to couch it as a perfectly reasonable position that does not stem from pettiness is exhausting. Own it and stop insisting that you've been abused by the fact that they've never babysat for you (just like you've never babysat for them). It's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Op here. 100% nailed it, I wish we could be friends because you get it.

[Anonymous]

You have zero obligation and I undersatnd why you are irritated.

Two cousins at age 4 and an older cousin could come in very handy though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.

You married into this family, so you have to learn to coexist with them.

Your posts here are disingenuous. First, it's that you work full time and are in grad school, so tired. Then it's that you don't know the kids. Then it's that you're resentful of your in-laws for not helping you and also getting more help than you got. Then further resentful because you dislike them and they make sh*tty choices. Stop adding details. It makes you look like a troll. Your post made it sound like the request is unreasonable or imposing or like they are very entitled. A woman asked her brother if her kids could spend the night so she can go to a high school reunion. She wants to socialize and wants the kids occupied. On the face of it, there's nothing unreasonable about that. You just want to be offended, so you are offended. People say, "So tell her you're not available" and that's not enough. You want everyone to know how right you are, so you start adding details.

Why? Why do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.

I don't think you're mean, op. They haven't helped you and that hurt you. And now they need your help and it's not easy for you. Not hard--but not no big deal either.

I would consider first if you WANT your kid to have a relationship with their cousins. Because if that's the case then helping them now may open up that door.

You have a few choices.

Say no and offer them the name of a sitter or two.

Say yes to part, but not the whole 24 hours. If it's local then they can do 7p to 7am. No need for it to be noon to noon the next day or whatever they are asking. Make some plans for early Sunday morning so they have to come get their kids.

Or do the whole thing, know that it's a full 24 hours but it'll be good for THE KIDS. Yours and theirs. But when it's done you'll have more info on how the future goes. It'll go by faster than you think.

[Anonymous]

I'm an older person too, but think that the "no more f's to give" crowd is also selfish and obnoxious. Not everything is transactional. Family issues never are exactly equal - that's immature thinking.

OP is missing an easy opportunity to improve her relationship with her husband's family and get to know her niece/nephew without having to actually deal with the SIL she hates.

And, OP, you do not get to say that they are not your family - you married into this family. All of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Op here. 100% nailed it, I wish we could be friends because you get it.

2 insane people found each other