moving my family or traveling for a new job

[Anonymous]

Yes I can do that, but I will have to pay the air ticket though out of my own pocket. That is a lot if I travel every week. So it might make sense to travel and work in Boston for one whole week every other week.

Anonymous wrote:What does 8 days s month look like? Can you be on an 8 am flight to Boston every Monday and fly back Tuesday evening? That doesn’t seem so bad.

[Anonymous]

I would not worry about kids saying no. It is a transition year anyways for both, and children adapt. What I would put attention is to why your wife is neutral. It is with her that you have to weight pros and cons. The children will be alright.

[Anonymous]

We do this but btw DC and NY. Moving to NY isn’t appealing to any of us so we are dealing with one spouse commuting for the time being. It’s not perfect but we make it work and kids are happy to stay w their friends. When kids are off to college (not that long in the future), we will reassess but moving a family to NY isn’t an easy or cheap endeavor. Boston would be somewhat more manageable, I think.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I had another discussion last night with our oldest kid and my wife. We almost decided we will stay and I will do the commute. We mainly consider the impact on my kids. They already set up everything here with swimming team, tennis club, and their friends, most of whom will go to the same midddle/high school. It is so hard for both of them to be uprooted everything from their familiar places especially given they were moved twice before and one of the moves was not pleasant due to my abrupt job change.

Boston is a great city but it is not so easy to adapt as DMV(weather, culture and etc.). School wise, there are best private colleges and schools in Boston but we plan to send our kids to public school and colleges. VA has one of best public colleges among all states.

Career and financial wise, I will get some impact but I want to do commute for about a year and will try to negotiate a better wfh term later if everything goes well.

In short, we cherish the last five years’ stability and want to make our kids continue feeling that way. I will deal with the uncertainty for my career and hopefully there will be a better solution some time later. BTW, we like DMV a lot even Boston is also a great city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I can do that, but I will have to pay the air ticket though out of my own pocket. That is a lot if I travel every week. So it might make sense to travel and work in Boston for one whole week every other week.

Anonymous wrote:What does 8 days s month look like? Can you be on an 8 am flight to Boston every Monday and fly back Tuesday evening? That doesn’t seem so bad.

The Boston flights aren’t usually too bad…I feel like I would negotiate salary factoring in trying to do that schedule and associated hotel costs. I feel like that would be the least disruptive to family life.

[Anonymous]

What field are you in?

How far do you live airport, how far from airport would office be?

[Anonymous]

Once you give your kids the option to decide whether you move or not, you've kinda lost. They don't want to leave what they have. Kids just aren't wired to constantly want change. So in this instance, I would suggest trying it out and commuting. Personally my husband travels quite a bit for work and has for the past 20 years, but when he's home he's plugged into the kids so it doesn't feel that hard. If you can make it work, so when you are home you are REALLY home and not working, then your kids likely won't notice.

[Anonymous]

I commute 4 days a month to a large city (1.5 hour flight) and used to do 8 days a month. Spouse works at home. It’s hard and tiring on me. I’ve learned that I’m pretty much exhausted and useless the first day I’m back at home bc I try to pack so much into work while I’m there in person. It honestly sucks but my salary nearly tripled for doing this and I truly love my job. I could make another 30% more and get a promotion if I moved.

But my kids don’t want to leave, we have very close and supportive extended family in the area, my spouse doesn’t want to leave, and so I’m taking the hit for my family.

Some days it bums me out and I wish we could move. It would be an adventure. But I try to focus on what is best for them and the family as a whole, which is clearly to stay here and I don’t want to force my family into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say move. It is for your financial well being and that of your family’s and their future. Everyone will benefit. A salary double what you currently make it huge.

I went to the same school district K-12 grade. I’m in my late 30s and can think of two people from high school I’m still in touch with- and even then, it is pretty loose touch. High school friendships aren’t transformative- money is. Your kids are just as likely to make good friends at their new school.

Having continued friendships and environment is important. Maybe you no longer keep up with anyone from HS, but having had those solid friendships is meaningful and good training for later on.

I moved a lot, and while it was easy to make friends, other kids had a past with each other. We’ve had to move a bit too, and I see the same with my kids. Breaking in new circles is not always optimal.

If I could do it all over again I would have picked a non moving way.

+1 whether you are still friends with people from high school is really irrelevant. Middle and high school are hard times for most kids to start over and if a kid is actively against it, do not underestimate how rough it can be. This is tough op but I don’t think I would move my kids in this situation. Kids are asking for stability and we know statistically it is a tougher time to move.

I am still very close with friends from high school btw, but I really don’t think that’s relevant or an important data point but you could find that answer all over the board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I had another discussion last night with our oldest kid and my wife. We almost decided we will stay and I will do the commute. We mainly consider the impact on my kids. They already set up everything here with swimming team, tennis club, and their friends, most of whom will go to the same midddle/high school. It is so hard for both of them to be uprooted everything from their familiar places especially given they were moved twice before and one of the moves was not pleasant due to my abrupt job change.

Boston is a great city but it is not so easy to adapt as DMV(weather, culture and etc.). School wise, there are best private colleges and schools in Boston but we plan to send our kids to public school and colleges. VA has one of best public colleges among all states.

Career and financial wise, I will get some impact but I want to do commute for about a year and will try to negotiate a better wfh term later if everything goes well.

In short, we cherish the last five years’ stability and want to make our kids continue feeling that way. I will deal with the uncertainty for my career and hopefully there will be a better solution some time later. BTW, we like DMV a lot even Boston is also a great city.

This sounds like a good call op and your kids will truly remember how you took their needs and opinions seriously. Maybe they would adjust in the new spot, but your 9th grader for sure will always remember that dad listened and took how I felt seriously and didn’t minimize it. Given the prior moves, it’s worthwhile to listen as these are kids who understand the question you are asking. And personally I agree they are old enough to have an opinion especially when there is an option that is pretty reasonable without uprooting. Good luck op!

[Anonymous]

I would have said to move- keeping your family together is really important. And your kids are at ages/grades where a natural transition happens. This isn’t something I’d let them decide because of course they will want to keep what they know- they are kids. They also need their dad around more than half the month.

[Anonymous]

I think if you’re not going to move, you should turn down the job.

The problem is - do you really want to commute to Boston weekly until retirement? You mention Boston has better employment opportunities for you. The writing on the wall seems to be that you need to live in Boston for your job.

I’d only accept the job if I could 1) move or 2) stay at the job 2-3 years and then exit to a great opportunity in DC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you’re not going to move, you should turn down the job.

The problem is - do you really want to commute to Boston weekly until retirement? You mention Boston has better employment opportunities for you. The writing on the wall seems to be that you need to live in Boston for your job.

I’d only accept the job if I could 1) move or 2) stay at the job 2-3 years and then exit to a great opportunity in DC

Until retirement? The youngest kid will be done with school in 7 years, if he can negotiate a better WFH deal that might not be so bad

[Anonymous]

Move before the one in HS starts 9th grade. I absolutely would not move her once she’s started high school.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely move. My parents divorced after we didn't want to move and my Dad commuted about 10 days a month. But it took a huge toll on their marriage. At first it worked, but we had activities that he wasn't there for, things added up that needed to be done around the house, weekends were tiring and stressful. They didn't have any time for them. We were PIA's to my mom when she was probably ultra stressed. It was NOT a good time. He quit his job and took a local job, but it was too late. He lost his dream job, we lost 2 parents in the same home. Nothing was ever the same for either of my parents. I regret not wanting to move all together. My therapist hears about it a lot.

Your kids are in transition years at school and having lived in both areas, Boston very much has better schools. They shouldn't rule the house and they can adapt and since they are already in so many activities, will quickly make friends there.

The family needs to be together and you can't do that being a part time Dad. It will take its toll on you and everyone else.