moving my family or traveling for a new job
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Anonymous
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I was recently offered a tremendous job in Boston with much better career growth and almost double the salary, and also the team is great. The higher living cost in Boston is not a problem for us given the new offered comp. Additionally, there are many more job opportunities in my area in Boston and it is very likely I will not need to move due to job change. My wife works entirely from home and her company allows her to do so for as long as she wants.
I have two school-age kids: one rising to 9th grade and another rising to 6th grade. Both of them are relatively introverted and shy, but they still have many friends in their school. When I sat down with them to talk about my job offer and the idea of moving, they immediately said “no” without any hesitation. By the way, we already moved twice before. My wife is kind of neutral. It is very hard for me to pass up this job opportunity, which is like once in a lifetime. Except for staying put and declining the great offer, I am evaluating two other options: one is moving to Boston with the knowledge that this might have some impact on my kids’ adjustment to the new city and new school; another one is traveling for work: the company does not require me to report to the office every day and they said we could manage the total office days like 8 days every month so I could travel to the office once or twice a month. I know either option will have impact on my kids but I am just wondering if anybody had such experience and how did you make your decision? I know some kids will not have any problem of relocation but I know my kids will need some time to adapt to the new city. |
Anonymous
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I've moved twice for DH's job, kids have moved once. This past year he had a new opportunity out of state and we decided he would commute instead of move again. Kids are plugged in here and we didn't want to uproot them as we think they've struggled socially post-covid and they're all pre-teens/teens which is an added layer of stuff.
DH travels M-Th about 3 weeks a month. It's not ideal, but I'm trying to make space for him to pursue his goals while keeping our kids settled. Our kids miss their dad, and there are times I really miss my husband, but we're doing the best we can and the longer he's in the role the more control he has over his calendar. All that said, if you're going to move your oldest, entering 9th is the time. But it's hard to feel good about that when your kids are vocalizing a hard no. Ultimately, I can't champion one choice over another. They're both hard and sometimes the "answer" isn't clear until it's behind you. |
Anonymous
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My response is very similar to PP's - we were in a comparable situation a couple of years ago (compensation wasn't as good though) and the kids completely freaked out when we told them and both started sobbing. It was awful. And we've moved a lot. Similar to PP, the toll of COVID, and for us a couple of other things, had more of an effect than we knew. Ultimately, spouse took the position and kids and I stayed here. But the absences aren't a few days a month. It's weeks at a time. Still, it was the right decision.
Bottom line - I think it's going to be really tough for you to now tell them that you've overruled their concerns and they have to go. But it's a legitimate decision if that's the decision you make. But you being gone 8 days a month away from home is not really that big of a deal IMO. Not at their ages. I'd just make sure the compensation is good enough to support you keeping a place in Boston as well as your home here. |
Anonymous
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I say move. It is for your financial well being and that of your family’s and their future. Everyone will benefit. A salary double what you currently make it huge.
I went to the same school district K-12 grade. I’m in my late 30s and can think of two people from high school I’m still in touch with- and even then, it is pretty loose touch. High school friendships aren’t transformative- money is. Your kids are just as likely to make good friends at their new school. |
Anonymous
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We’ve done both, moved kids and now one spouse is away a week/month. In our case, it was also about where we wanted to live and have our kids grow up. What helped with moving older kids is, if they have a sport or another extracurricular activity that you can get them excited about trying in Boston (in our case it was a sport), or being closer to family, or having a nicer house/their own room/bigger yard/a pool/something.
They are still going to say no, that’s just natural. But if you can get them even a little excited about new possibilities, then go for it. Otherwise, commuting from another city is becoming much more accepted than it was pre-Covid. |
Anonymous
| 8 days a month is not a lot. I would not move your kids who have already moved twice. |
Anonymous
+1 I have one friend that I can call as close friend from high school. My closest friends are from college and early 20s. Same experience in my circle of friends we are in our 30s/40s |
Anonymous
| Would it benefit the kids to have residency in Massachusetts when it comes to college & tuition vs. what state you are in now? Something to consider. |
Anonymous
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Move
They are both at transitions to new schools anyway and they can keep in touch with old friends via social media. Yes, moves are tough but with kids in middle and high school there is a lot going on and leaving your wife to single parent AND work from home is a lot. The kids will have activities, sports, school commitments, etc… It isn’t as much hard labor as they were young, but it doesn’t get easier. And yes 8 days isn’t a ton, but that could change or you yourself could find it isn’t enough and then what? Nice after they both started school? Also 8 office days doesn’t include the travel and then you picking up slack for being gone. And the cost of flying and hotel rooms. It’s a lot and it wears you down. Been there, done that. And god forbid it starts to break down your marriage in the future, the kids will blame themselves for being selfish for wanting to stay. How do I know? It happened to my parents. Move |
Anonymous
OP here. MA actually does not have good public universities as VA does. It is not a concern. I can imagine commuting in the first year is probably ok, but I see the commuting will become a permanent schedule give much better opportunities in my area in Boston.
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Anonymous
| I would just do the work travel. No one wants to switch schools in 9th grade, especially an introvert. Traveling 8 days a month isn’t that bad. |
Anonymous
| Aren’t both of them going to new schools this year if they stay? I’d move |
Anonymous
+1. Eight days a month away from home is not a lot. My DH travels for work at least that much every month (often for 2 weeks at a stretch), and especially with a spouse who works from home and kids who aren't little anymore, that should be entirely manageable. I wouldn't uproot the kids, who seem to be doing very well and have already moved twice. |
Anonymous
You can keep both residencies. Wife keeps one, husband the other. |
Anonymous
Having continued friendships and environment is important. Maybe you no longer keep up with anyone from HS, but having had those solid friendships is meaningful and good training for later on. I moved a lot, and while it was easy to make friends, other kids had a past with each other. We’ve had to move a bit too, and I see the same with my kids. Breaking in new circles is not always optimal. If I could do it all over again I would have picked a non moving way. |