How did you survive your husband’s mid life crisis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is your job to manage. It's almost like you've taken on your DH as another kid.

I'd be fine with the hobbies and purchases....but would draw the line at the "new personality". He's grumpy? Tired of being a dad? He was a willing participant in the decisions that led up to this point in his life, right? So sorry the consequences of the sex he had many years ago is too much for him to handle now.

Is he still able to emotionally connect with you on a relationship level....or is he just a big whinny ball of complaints at this point?

You think your approach will help fix the problem? Your position here is logically defensible, but if there are things that OP can do to help make her DH happier and her marriage stronger, isn't that worth considering? If those things burden her more than they help her, then probably she shouldn't bother. But if they ultimately help her more than they burden her, she should probably go ahead and do them even if, logically, "she shouldn't have to."

You cannot make somebody like this happier. This really is his own period of emotional turmoil to manage and he needs to do it in a way that doesn't bring down the whole family. Sometimes, yes, putting your foot down and demanding better is the way to fix the problem.

-DP

Just to be clear - a husband who works out, changes his wardrobe, takes up new hobbies, drinks somewhat more, buys a car, gets grumpy dealing with unpleasant teens, and is feeling bored with life -- this is somebody who you can't help make happier? Because the husband OP describes doesn't seem at all unusual or even all that problematic. This isn't some kind of sociopathic edge case. Just sounds like a restless suburban dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is your job to manage. It's almost like you've taken on your DH as another kid.

I'd be fine with the hobbies and purchases....but would draw the line at the "new personality". He's grumpy? Tired of being a dad? He was a willing participant in the decisions that led up to this point in his life, right? So sorry the consequences of the sex he had many years ago is too much for him to handle now.

Is he still able to emotionally connect with you on a relationship level....or is he just a big whinny ball of complaints at this point?

You think your approach will help fix the problem? Your position here is logically defensible, but if there are things that OP can do to help make her DH happier and her marriage stronger, isn't that worth considering? If those things burden her more than they help her, then probably she shouldn't bother. But if they ultimately help her more than they burden her, she should probably go ahead and do them even if, logically, "she shouldn't have to."

You cannot make somebody like this happier. This really is his own period of emotional turmoil to manage and he needs to do it in a way that doesn't bring down the whole family. Sometimes, yes, putting your foot down and demanding better is the way to fix the problem.

-DP

Just to be clear - a husband who works out, changes his wardrobe, takes up new hobbies, drinks somewhat more, buys a car, gets grumpy dealing with unpleasant teens, and is feeling bored with life -- this is somebody who you can't help make happier? Because the husband OP describes doesn't seem at all unusual or even all that problematic. This isn't some kind of sociopathic edge case. Just sounds like a restless suburban dad.

Is that your standard for acceptable behavior? Not sociopathic? He’s being a grumpy wet blanket. I’d accept that and even validate it for a period of time but not for long.

And no I personally don’t think OP can do anything to make him happier. He needs to make emotional peace with the fact that doors are closed, that this is his life, and there is no going back. Once he does that he can start noticing how good he has it and I bet at that point he and OP can mutually make each other happier but until then? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(Speaking as a middle aged man who found my high T hobbies before the MLC could set in - I love my family but without that other stuff I would be much less nice to be around

Curious- is this some type of sports, or something more unique?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is your job to manage. It's almost like you've taken on your DH as another kid.

I'd be fine with the hobbies and purchases....but would draw the line at the "new personality". He's grumpy? Tired of being a dad? He was a willing participant in the decisions that led up to this point in his life, right? So sorry the consequences of the sex he had many years ago is too much for him to handle now.

Is he still able to emotionally connect with you on a relationship level....or is he just a big whinny ball of complaints at this point?

You think your approach will help fix the problem? Your position here is logically defensible, but if there are things that OP can do to help make her DH happier and her marriage stronger, isn't that worth considering? If those things burden her more than they help her, then probably she shouldn't bother. But if they ultimately help her more than they burden her, she should probably go ahead and do them even if, logically, "she shouldn't have to."

You cannot make somebody like this happier. This really is his own period of emotional turmoil to manage and he needs to do it in a way that doesn't bring down the whole family. Sometimes, yes, putting your foot down and demanding better is the way to fix the problem.

-DP

Just to be clear - a husband who works out, changes his wardrobe, takes up new hobbies, drinks somewhat more, buys a car, gets grumpy dealing with unpleasant teens, and is feeling bored with life -- this is somebody who you can't help make happier? Because the husband OP describes doesn't seem at all unusual or even all that problematic. This isn't some kind of sociopathic edge case. Just sounds like a restless suburban dad.

Is that your standard for acceptable behavior? Not sociopathic? He’s being a grumpy wet blanket. I’d accept that and even validate it for a period of time but not for long.

And no I personally don’t think OP can do anything to make him happier. He needs to make emotional peace with the fact that doors are closed, that this is his life, and there is no going back. Once he does that he can start noticing how good he has it and I bet at that point he and OP can mutually make each other happier but until then? No.

No, sociopath isn't the bar. But I think a wife and other people can be helpful in allowing a normal, restless middle age dad break out of a funk. Telling him he's a big f**king baby who should deal with his own emotions and leave everyone else out of it, throwing up her hands, and doing nothing because she shouldn't have to doesn't seem like the most productive way of navigating the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of this sounds particularly bad with the exception of the extra drinking, alcohol does more to reinforce negative cycles than it does anything else.
As far as complaining about being a dad to sullen teenagers I totally get it and have the thought near daily.
An hour and a half ago he was 25 and every possible option was on the table, he bent down to tie his shoes and stood up to realize he was a slave to all his surveyed; it’s going to take a little while but he will find an outlet and hopefully it’s not an Applebee’s hostess.
I did all the same stuff then bought a boat, happy as a clam!

Boats and men…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU

Yes, it’s a whole lot like this except T-Pain brings Matilda bay wine coolers, he won’t tell us where he gets them.

[Anonymous]

How? I do everything, while supporting his hobbies and endless “me time” and pretending not to notice him acting like a giant whiny brat.

This is relatively new for him and I sure AF hope it ends soon…because I can’t do the above forever!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is your job to manage. It's almost like you've taken on your DH as another kid.

I'd be fine with the hobbies and purchases....but would draw the line at the "new personality". He's grumpy? Tired of being a dad? He was a willing participant in the decisions that led up to this point in his life, right? So sorry the consequences of the sex he had many years ago is too much for him to handle now.

Is he still able to emotionally connect with you on a relationship level....or is he just a big whinny ball of complaints at this point?

You think your approach will help fix the problem? Your position here is logically defensible, but if there are things that OP can do to help make her DH happier and her marriage stronger, isn't that worth considering? If those things burden her more than they help her, then probably she shouldn't bother. But if they ultimately help her more than they burden her, she should probably go ahead and do them even if, logically, "she shouldn't have to."

You cannot make somebody like this happier. This really is his own period of emotional turmoil to manage and he needs to do it in a way that doesn't bring down the whole family. Sometimes, yes, putting your foot down and demanding better is the way to fix the problem.

-DP

Just to be clear - a husband who works out, changes his wardrobe, takes up new hobbies, drinks somewhat more, buys a car, gets grumpy dealing with unpleasant teens, and is feeling bored with life -- this is somebody who you can't help make happier? Because the husband OP describes doesn't seem at all unusual or even all that problematic. This isn't some kind of sociopathic edge case. Just sounds like a restless suburban dad.

Is that your standard for acceptable behavior? Not sociopathic? He’s being a grumpy wet blanket. I’d accept that and even validate it for a period of time but not for long.

And no I personally don’t think OP can do anything to make him happier. He needs to make emotional peace with the fact that doors are closed, that this is his life, and there is no going back. Once he does that he can start noticing how good he has it and I bet at that point he and OP can mutually make each other happier but until then? No.

No, sociopath isn't the bar. But I think a wife and other people can be helpful in allowing a normal, restless middle age dad break out of a funk. Telling him he's a big f**king baby who should deal with his own emotions and leave everyone else out of it, throwing up her hands, and doing nothing because she shouldn't have to doesn't seem like the most productive way of navigating the situation.

Well nobody said that she should call him a big ducking baby but calling him out like that with some tough love might actually be a good idea. I would never do it but different people respond to different things!

How do you think she can be helpful in allowing him to break out of a funk? (not sure exactly what you mean by that but let’s go with it.) How could she make him happier? I’m starting to suspect that you’re a guy and your answer would be for OP to give her husband blow jobs that she doesn’t really want to give but if it’s not that I am curious what you think she could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(Speaking as a middle aged man who found my high T hobbies before the MLC could set in - I love my family but without that other stuff I would be much less nice to be around

Curious- is this some type of sports, or something more unique?

Sports

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is your job to manage. It's almost like you've taken on your DH as another kid.

I'd be fine with the hobbies and purchases....but would draw the line at the "new personality". He's grumpy? Tired of being a dad? He was a willing participant in the decisions that led up to this point in his life, right? So sorry the consequences of the sex he had many years ago is too much for him to handle now.

Is he still able to emotionally connect with you on a relationship level....or is he just a big whinny ball of complaints at this point?

You think your approach will help fix the problem? Your position here is logically defensible, but if there are things that OP can do to help make her DH happier and her marriage stronger, isn't that worth considering? If those things burden her more than they help her, then probably she shouldn't bother. But if they ultimately help her more than they burden her, she should probably go ahead and do them even if, logically, "she shouldn't have to."

You cannot make somebody like this happier. This really is his own period of emotional turmoil to manage and he needs to do it in a way that doesn't bring down the whole family. Sometimes, yes, putting your foot down and demanding better is the way to fix the problem.

-DP

Just to be clear - a husband who works out, changes his wardrobe, takes up new hobbies, drinks somewhat more, buys a car, gets grumpy dealing with unpleasant teens, and is feeling bored with life -- this is somebody who you can't help make happier? Because the husband OP describes doesn't seem at all unusual or even all that problematic. This isn't some kind of sociopathic edge case. Just sounds like a restless suburban dad.

You still can’t make them happy.

Their misery is a choice you can’t change.