how to deal with GF when she goes in a silent mode after argument

[Anonymous]

Why does OP's time table control for discussion (picking at his DH and tell her she's doing things he doesn't like) control?

(I'm also a woman who needs time to process and I feel literally flooded and cannot think and speak kindly at those times. I have only had 1 BF ever complain. Everyone else understood.)

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a narcissist. Narcissists love the silent treatment, it is a form of control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does OP's time table control for discussion (picking at his DH and tell her she's doing things he doesn't like) control?

(I'm also a woman who needs time to process and I feel literally flooded and cannot think and speak kindly at those times. I have only had 1 BF ever complain. Everyone else understood.)

Healthy and mature adults communicate that they need to take a break from the argument. They just don't disappear.

Pointing this out to an a partner you want to continue with is not a big deal.


In a healthy relationship a partner can respect the need to cool down.

[Anonymous]

Often people who always want to seem good all the time don’t know how to deal with conflict. The other person is always the bad guy. They will never engage because they have too many feelings they don’t want to admit and they aren’t used to saying them aloud.

[Anonymous]

How often is this happening, where you are “telling her something you don’t like”? Can you give an example? How frequent are these episodes of your criticism and her silent treatment?

[Anonymous]

I’d handle it by ending the relationship. There are so many ways to say “I’ve talked with you.. I’m going to go sit and read my book or put on my headphones and listen to a podcast that I know you won’t care about” and get your time to cool down then by announcing “I need time to cool down” with the implication that you’d better not tell me anything until I deign to be ready to talk to you, and I control when that will be, there is nothing you can do or had better do until.. when exactly? No jokes, no news you see on Facebook about a friend or family member, not “hey, I found tickets for something you’ve wanted to do, want to go?” nothing. I’d not want to be in a relationship with someone who can’t or won’t follow basic rules of interaction that we all should have learned in elementary school. It’s not so much wanting a break to process (though I do wonder what the heck you guys are arguing about that requires so much processing) but how that break is taken and why you can’t be nice to each other while processing. Life should provide enough breaks for you to process whatever you want without announcing to your partner that they’d better not so much as look at you until you’re ready.
As my husband said, this nonsense may be why she’s single at 41, nobody else wants to deal with her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, overall, our relationship is fine( I think, lol) but she reacts in a different way if I tell her something I don't like straight. She don't take it well, and goes in the silent mode. Today, she told me that she is not ready to chat and went for a walk and we chatted after 2 hrs. She did discuss that she didn't want to say anything mean when she is upset and rather shuts down for a while.

My husband is like this and I actually find it quite considerate. I just blurt things out and he is very thoughtful about his words. We are both trying to learn from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's just a matter of giving her some space while she cools off, I don't see what the big deal is.

Only if the person stonewalling circles back to resolve the original underlying issue in a day or two.

Otherwise op needs to set some boundaries, move on or they both see joint counselor to get better verbal communication and conflict resolution skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Often people who always want to seem good all the time don’t know how to deal with conflict. The other person is always the bad guy. They will never engage because they have too many feelings they don’t want to admit and they aren’t used to saying them aloud.

Very true. If a healthy functional person.

Often the explosive or avoidant person has other issues and the silent treatment is the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

You should make her aware this is abusive behavior. If she's willing to put in work and take steps to stop this behavior, you might be able to work this out. If not bounce!

Don't be like me--my wife told me when we were dating that she'll start to ignore her partner when things go sideways. I was too "in love" to realize this would apply to me too later!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often is this happening, where you are “telling her something you don’t like”? Can you give an example? How frequent are these episodes of your criticism and her silent treatment?

Op here. Not a lot, may be like once or twice a month and it is not that I say anything bad to her. If I tell her she is snapping in a polite tone, then she doesn't take it well. Sometimes, she doesn't like something and don't tell me what it is and goes in a shell. She came out of a 18+ year marriage 3 years ago and I am her only serious relationship since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should make her aware this is abusive behavior. If she's willing to put in work and take steps to stop this behavior, you might be able to work this out. If not bounce!

Don't be like me--my wife told me when we were dating that she'll start to ignore her partner when things go sideways. I was too "in love" to realize this would apply to me too later!

How are you guys doing now?

[Anonymous]

Ditch her. But do it silently.

[Anonymous]

Probably just break up. There is a chance she goes silent because you are overly aggressive in arguments, which is something I've done with someone I dated. No matter what we said, he steam rolled me and eventually I learned to just go silent, and then eventually leave. Just a thought in case it's something you need to work on for future relationships. Once I left, I never had this dynamic in a different relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 42M and my GF is 41. We have been dating for 7+ months and she goes in a silent mode anytime there is any small or big argument. I am one of those who like to talk and resolve the issue but she completely ignores me and goes in a silent mode for while. Certainly, this habit is not good but I am also trying to understand how to improve on this.

How long is the silent treatment? If it is 30 minutes or so maybe not a big deal although it is very controlling and immature. At 41 she is unlikely to change so if I were you this is a good reason to break up. ( also a woman)