how to deal with GF when she goes in a silent mode after argument

[Anonymous]

OP here, overall, our relationship is fine( I think, lol) but she reacts in a different way if I tell her something I don't like straight. She don't take it well, and goes in the silent mode. Today, she told me that she is not ready to chat and went for a walk and we chatted after 2 hrs. She did discuss that she didn't want to say anything mean when she is upset and rather shuts down for a while.

[Anonymous]

DH and I have this dynamic where he wants to talk everything out immediately and I need a moment to get my thoughts sorted. What helps us is 1. Him being patient and recognizing that I need to take a moment before continuing the discussion and 2. Me being vocal about why I’m going quiet (ie: explicitly saying to him that the conversation is stressing me out and I need to take a beat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have this dynamic where he wants to talk everything out immediately and I need a moment to get my thoughts sorted. What helps us is 1. Him being patient and recognizing that I need to take a moment before continuing the discussion and 2. Me being vocal about why I’m going quiet (ie: explicitly saying to him that the conversation is stressing me out and I need to take a beat

That's a good point. Did you guys improve over the years in how you talk or does this happen with every little or big disagreements?

[Anonymous]

Not talking for a couple of hours or overnight is NOT the silent treatment. Come on! The silent treatment goes on for days. The person giving it doesn’t say why they’re giving it. The “receiver” has no idea what’s going on. THAT is abusive.

OP said that after a few hours, she does talk it through. People can need some space before they’re ready to talk. That is a huge difference from the silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have this dynamic where he wants to talk everything out immediately and I need a moment to get my thoughts sorted. What helps us is 1. Him being patient and recognizing that I need to take a moment before continuing the discussion and 2. Me being vocal about why I’m going quiet (ie: explicitly saying to him that the conversation is stressing me out and I need to take a beat

That's a good point. Did you guys improve over the years in how you talk or does this happen with every little or big disagreements?

I think it’s just our personalities. I tend to distance myself from any perceived confrontation and disengage. He’s the complete opposite and doesn’t view disagreement with the same level of trepidation that I do. I do think it really helped that I was able to assure him that my quietness isn’t about punishing him or giving the “silent treatment” to be cruel, it’s just that I don’t feel level headed and as patient and want space to we can have a more useful discussion when we are both calm.

Now that we’ve discussed our communication styles and understand each others reactions well it’s not a big issue. We don’t argue often but if something comes up we know each other well enough to appreciate. Our relationship has made me a lot more communicative and him more patient.

[Anonymous]

Breakup with her. She's doesn't communicate well.

[Anonymous]

Um, thank your lucky stars she is silent, because I am a "talk it to death and pick it apart a billion ways" person after I have an argument with my spouse. I know no one likes it but I don't know any other way to deal with uncomfortable feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, overall, our relationship is fine( I think, lol) but she reacts in a different way if I tell her something I don't like straight. She don't take it well, and goes in the silent mode. Today, she told me that she is not ready to chat and went for a walk and we chatted after 2 hrs. She did discuss that she didn't want to say anything mean when she is upset and rather shuts down for a while.

This seems reasonable.

[Anonymous]

If it’s just overnight or. Few hours give her space. If it’s for days that isn’t healthy and you should breakup. you can date me! I’m newly single after dumping my boyfriend over silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Not your job to fix her. You tell her it’s not okay that she shuts down just because you say what you think. That it’s destructive to any relationship and that you need for her to handle it differently or you need to move on.

It’s one thing to ask for some time to process and think about a disagreement, another altogether to check out whenever there’s a sniff of conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, overall, our relationship is fine( I think, lol) but she reacts in a different way if I tell her something I don't like straight. She don't take it well, and goes in the silent mode. Today, she told me that she is not ready to chat and went for a walk and we chatted after 2 hrs. She did discuss that she didn't want to say anything mean when she is upset and rather shuts down for a while.

Op that's not silent treatment.and I'm also concerned about how often you're telling her about something you don't like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, overall, our relationship is fine( I think, lol) but she reacts in a different way if I tell her something I don't like straight. She don't take it well, and goes in the silent mode. Today, she told me that she is not ready to chat and went for a walk and we chatted after 2 hrs. She did discuss that she didn't want to say anything mean when she is upset and rather shuts down for a while.

This seems reasonable.

I think OP needs to back off. This is fine, and actually, healthy.

OP, have you had any individual therapy? Do you have past trauma with your parents and emotional withdrawal? It may be impacting your adult relationships. What you partner is doing is a healthy coping mechanism. You may want to talk with someone. Try reading about anxious attachment, too. Not saying you have this. Just mentioning it. Definitely would be helpful to talk with someone.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I never had this issue in any of my past relationships and my now GF is different that she goes in the silent mode. I told her to mention this to mention this to me if she needs time to cool off like this, which she did this time.

[Anonymous]

Is she honestly ignoring you or just needs time to process the argument and decompress so she can have a rational conversation instead of an emotional one?.

After an argument, I can't sit there and rehash it for hours. I need some time to process and to think through things so I can approach it from a rational standpoint when we do discuss it.
Sometimes that's 15 minutes later. Sometimes it's a few hours. Sometimes we have to wait until later that night when the kids go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she honestly ignoring you or just needs time to process the argument and decompress so she can have a rational conversation instead of an emotional one?.

After an argument, I can't sit there and rehash it for hours. I need some time to process and to think through things so I can approach it from a rational standpoint when we do discuss it.
Sometimes that's 15 minutes later. Sometimes it's a few hours. Sometimes we have to wait until later that night when the kids go to bed.

This is me too. We don't argue very frequently, but when we do fight it's about big things and he tends to turn ugly and mean. So yeah, I'm going to take all the time I need to figure out how I'm going to approach things. The other thing he does is want to sweep everything under the rug when he's "done", before we've had a chance to solve anything. So his approach is to literally ignore it despite being really mean sometimes. My approach is to go silent until I can figure out how to dive into the conversation constructively and not be mean back, and my silence also tells him I'm not over it, I'm not going to ignore it, and I'm still processing it. He's never wondering why I'm silent. I don't think this is immature at all, but I can see that it's not everyone's approach.