Should I cave? Mother's bday edition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let your siblings create their own adult relationship with their mother. Maybe that doesn’t include gifts. And maybe your mom is fine either way. Stand back and let them all work it out.

This. Your mom is an adult. If her birthday is important to her, she needs to let your siblings know. If she is hurt by how they treat her on her birthday, she needs to let them know. Or not.

Nothing here is wrong, but it is missing context. The mom in this situation for years has had all of her children chip in on a gift for her birthday, all without her needing to say anything. Why would she have said something now? If that all of a sudden stops and she has no reason why, she could be understandably hurt.

So the question is whether OP does nothing (a change from years of traditional behavior) and let's her mother be hurt on her 70th birthday. That is not a choice I would make. I care more about my mother not being hurt on her birthday that standing in my righteousness against my siblings.

I do however agree that OP should make very clear that this is the last time she is the only one putting in effort. I also think OP should examine how she is being used by her siblings and change it. But the time to do that is not hours before a milestone birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your problem. Time for the others to grow up and develop their own plans and take responsibility for their successes and failures in the gift department. Were your siblings adopted? A 70 yr old having a 23 and 25 yr old seems old. (Just curious about the dynamic here.)

My brother (25) and younger sister & brother (23) are through surrogacy. I'm 35 and the only kid my mom birthed.

Basically, my parents tried for years before having me. They tried for more kids after me without luck and went through two failed adoptions before switching to surrogacy.

Are they not her biological children?

What does that have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let your siblings create their own adult relationship with their mother. Maybe that doesn’t include gifts. And maybe your mom is fine either way. Stand back and let them all work it out.

This. You can’t and shouldn’t control everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your problem. Time for the others to grow up and develop their own plans and take responsibility for their successes and failures in the gift department. Were your siblings adopted? A 70 yr old having a 23 and 25 yr old seems old. (Just curious about the dynamic here.)

My brother (25) and younger sister & brother (23) are through surrogacy. I'm 35 and the only kid my mom birthed.

Basically, my parents tried for years before having me. They tried for more kids after me without luck and went through two failed adoptions before switching to surrogacy.

Ugh, I can’t imagine being 23 and having a 70 year old mother.

[Anonymous]

Does your mom even care about gifts?
I personally don’t care about gifts but a simple phone call from kids saying happy birthday would be nice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should cave this year, but make it clear you won’t do this work next year.

If you don’t cave this year, your mom will be the one hurt, not your siblings. And you created the precedent that you handle everything for them. You need to take ownership this year and then clearly tell your siblings you’re done for future years.

Op, if you're local to your mom, I kind of agree with this. In my family, I'd still get together for the birthday lunch/dinner, especially since the birthday trip was months ago. I wouldn't do another gift, although I would probably feel obligated to help pay for her meal.

Just curious if you told your siblings you wouldn't be joining them for whatever they planned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your problem. Time for the others to grow up and develop their own plans and take responsibility for their successes and failures in the gift department. Were your siblings adopted? A 70 yr old having a 23 and 25 yr old seems old. (Just curious about the dynamic here.)

My brother (25) and younger sister & brother (23) are through surrogacy. I'm 35 and the only kid my mom birthed.

Basically, my parents tried for years before having me. They tried for more kids after me without luck and went through two failed adoptions before switching to surrogacy.

Ugh, I can’t imagine being 23 and having a 70 year old mother.

You poor fragile thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your problem. Time for the others to grow up and develop their own plans and take responsibility for their successes and failures in the gift department. Were your siblings adopted? A 70 yr old having a 23 and 25 yr old seems old. (Just curious about the dynamic here.)

My brother (25) and younger sister & brother (23) are through surrogacy. I'm 35 and the only kid my mom birthed.

Basically, my parents tried for years before having me. They tried for more kids after me without luck and went through two failed adoptions before switching to surrogacy.

Ugh, I can’t imagine being 23 and having a 70 year old mother.

You poor fragile thing.

No, it would just suck. You’ll very likely lose your mother before you’re 35. I notice there’s no mention of Dad in any of this—he’s likely already gone. That’s shitty.