Should I cave? Mother's bday edition.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 siblings. I'm the oldest and always the one who coordinates things for our parents' birthdays. This usually consists of me finding the gift we give them as a collective group and collecting the money from my siblings. Or me making the dinner reservation. I think this came about when I was in college, probably my freshmen year, and they all forgot my mom's birthday without me being there to remind them. So of course, being the good big sis I am, I added their names to my card and gift. The next year when I reminded them of our mom's bday, they asked if they could just chip in on whatever I picked out and I agreed, and it's continued like that since then.

I took my mom on a big trip in late May as an early bday gift to her. I have a card to give her tomorrow on her actual bday, but she knew the trip was her gift from me. I had to go for work to a country that she'd always wanted to visit, so I asked her to join me and extended my time in that location for 5 days. I gave my siblings a heads up in February when I booked things that I was taking her as my gift to her (it's also a milestone bday, age 70) so they needed to get gifts on their own. I've reminded them since.

I just talked to my mom and asked what her plans were for her bday tomorrow. She said she had no plans. She was going to the farmer's market with a friend and that was it. I texted my siblings in our sibling group chat and basically, no one planned anything. No one made reservations. No one bought a gift. No one even has a card! In fact, my youngest brother forgot about her bday since "no one told me to put anything in my calendar" and made other nonrefundable plans with friends.

Part of me wants to run out and get a gift and make the reservation but a bigger part of me wants to not do either of those things. They are 23 & 25 years old!

[Anonymous]

You need to let them stand or fall on their own. If I were you, I'd send or drop off flowers for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let them stand or fall on their own. If I were you, I'd send or drop off flowers for her.

This and the flowers are from you do not sign sibling names. Don’t bring it up to your mom or siblings. It’s their responsibility to manage their relationship not yours. If your mom cares it’s her responsibility to speak to them.

[Anonymous]

I would let your siblings create their own adult relationship with their mother. Maybe that doesn’t include gifts. And maybe your mom is fine either way. Stand back and let them all work it out.

[Anonymous]

This isn't your problem. Time for the others to grow up and develop their own plans and take responsibility for their successes and failures in the gift department. Were your siblings adopted? A 70 yr old having a 23 and 25 yr old seems old. (Just curious about the dynamic here.)

[Anonymous]

I would use this opportunity to notify the siblings that you're dropping the rope from here on out. They're on their own to put reminders in their calendar. You will not do any of it anymore.

[Anonymous]

No. You shouldn’t cave. You reminded them and that’s more than enough. I would bring your mom flowers tomorrow and see if she wants to go to lunch or dinner with only you. If one of your other siblings steps up you can back out and say why dont I let you and x spend some time together since we already celebrated.

It’s not your responsibility or problem to manage your siblings relationships with their mom. However I would also not leave her alone on her birthday since it seems like you two are close.

[Anonymous]

Stop it!! You don’t need to do anything else for your mom. Let them look like jerks. I cannot even believe you keep reminding them about this stuff. They don’t care. Let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Stop stepping in. Let them figure it out. You did your part. It might take a few years. They may step up, they may not, but either way you don’t need to do it for them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Your mom knows her children. She knows who has always handled everything, who always remembers. There’s no point in intervening because you’re not fooling anybody. You’ve done your part and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom knows her children. She knows who has always handled everything, who always remembers. There’s no point in intervening because you’re not fooling anybody. You’ve done your part and then some.[/

+1000

[Anonymous]

I love when we're all a united front for the OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let them stand or fall on their own. If I were you, I'd send or drop off flowers for her.

This. And your name only. This is on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your problem. Time for the others to grow up and develop their own plans and take responsibility for their successes and failures in the gift department. Were your siblings adopted? A 70 yr old having a 23 and 25 yr old seems old. (Just curious about the dynamic here.)

My brother (25) and younger sister & brother (23) are through surrogacy. I'm 35 and the only kid my mom birthed.

Basically, my parents tried for years before having me. They tried for more kids after me without luck and went through two failed adoptions before switching to surrogacy.

[Anonymous]

Um, you are responsible for a gift from you, and any activities like dinner reservations ON YOU. Full stop.

YOU think this milestone birthday deserves more fanfare. Great. YOU take your mother out to dinner, or YOU take her to a concert or something, or YOU get her flowers in addition to a gift that YOU buy.

You are not the Abiter of How It Should Be. No one asked you to do anything, you started doing what YOU thought “a good big sister should do.” Grow up. You aren’t Big Sister Sally, you are an Individual Adult, as are they. Stop acting like you and you alone get to decide who needs to do what, when, and what a celebration should entail.

YOU make YOUR plans to celebrate your mother’s birthday. Full stop.