Should I cave? Mother's bday edition.

[Anonymous]

Stop managing everyone, INCLUDING YOUR MOTHER! You gave her a lovely trip. She's 70 and doesn't need a production from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, you are responsible for a gift from you, and any activities like dinner reservations ON YOU. Full stop.

YOU think this milestone birthday deserves more fanfare. Great. YOU take your mother out to dinner, or YOU take her to a concert or something, or YOU get her flowers in addition to a gift that YOU buy.

You are not the Abiter of How It Should Be. No one asked you to do anything, you started doing what YOU thought “a good big sister should do.” Grow up. You aren’t Big Sister Sally, you are an Individual Adult, as are they. Stop acting like you and you alone get to decide who needs to do what, when, and what a celebration should entail.

YOU make YOUR plans to celebrate your mother’s birthday. Full stop.

Except that they DID ask her to do something:

From the OP: "The next year when I reminded them of our mom's bday, they asked if they could just chip in on whatever I picked out and I agreed, and it's continued like that since then."

[Anonymous]

I think you should cave this year, but make it clear you won’t do this work next year.

If you don’t cave this year, your mom will be the one hurt, not your siblings. And you created the precedent that you handle everything for them. You need to take ownership this year and then clearly tell your siblings you’re done for future years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, you are responsible for a gift from you, and any activities like dinner reservations ON YOU. Full stop.

YOU think this milestone birthday deserves more fanfare. Great. YOU take your mother out to dinner, or YOU take her to a concert or something, or YOU get her flowers in addition to a gift that YOU buy.

You are not the Abiter of How It Should Be. No one asked you to do anything, you started doing what YOU thought “a good big sister should do.” Grow up. You aren’t Big Sister Sally, you are an Individual Adult, as are they. Stop acting like you and you alone get to decide who needs to do what, when, and what a celebration should entail.

YOU make YOUR plans to celebrate your mother’s birthday. Full stop.

Except that they DID ask her to do something:

From the OP: "The next year when I reminded them of our mom's bday, they asked if they could just chip in on whatever I picked out and I agreed, and it's continued like that since then."

Yeah, THE NEXT YEAR, after OP had already taken it upon herself to organize.

Did you realize that when people ask you to do something, you can say no? Hmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, you are responsible for a gift from you, and any activities like dinner reservations ON YOU. Full stop.

YOU think this milestone birthday deserves more fanfare. Great. YOU take your mother out to dinner, or YOU take her to a concert or something, or YOU get her flowers in addition to a gift that YOU buy.

You are not the Abiter of How It Should Be. No one asked you to do anything, you started doing what YOU thought “a good big sister should do.” Grow up. You aren’t Big Sister Sally, you are an Individual Adult, as are they. Stop acting like you and you alone get to decide who needs to do what, when, and what a celebration should entail.

YOU make YOUR plans to celebrate your mother’s birthday. Full stop.

Except that they DID ask her to do something:

From the OP: "The next year when I reminded them of our mom's bday, they asked if they could just chip in on whatever I picked out and I agreed, and it's continued like that since then."

Yeah, THE NEXT YEAR, after OP had already taken it upon herself to organize.

Did you realize that when people ask you to do something, you can say no? Hmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, you are responsible for a gift from you, and any activities like dinner reservations ON YOU. Full stop.

YOU think this milestone birthday deserves more fanfare. Great. YOU take your mother out to dinner, or YOU take her to a concert or something, or YOU get her flowers in addition to a gift that YOU buy.

You are not the Abiter of How It Should Be. No one asked you to do anything, you started doing what YOU thought “a good big sister should do.” Grow up. You aren’t Big Sister Sally, you are an Individual Adult, as are they. Stop acting like you and you alone get to decide who needs to do what, when, and what a celebration should entail.

YOU make YOUR plans to celebrate your mother’s birthday. Full stop.

Why so much anger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should cave this year, but make it clear you won’t do this work next year.

If you don’t cave this year, your mom will be the one hurt, not your siblings. And you created the precedent that you handle everything for them. You need to take ownership this year and then clearly tell your siblings you’re done for future years.

She already said that she told her siblings that the trip was a gift from her and they were on their own. I don’t think she needs to remind them again. However, I wouldn’t want my mom to be alone on her birthday so would either come over for a visit with flowers or take her out to brunch or dinner but would not include the siblings in the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, you are responsible for a gift from you, and any activities like dinner reservations ON YOU. Full stop.

YOU think this milestone birthday deserves more fanfare. Great. YOU take your mother out to dinner, or YOU take her to a concert or something, or YOU get her flowers in addition to a gift that YOU buy.

You are not the Abiter of How It Should Be. No one asked you to do anything, you started doing what YOU thought “a good big sister should do.” Grow up. You aren’t Big Sister Sally, you are an Individual Adult, as are they. Stop acting like you and you alone get to decide who needs to do what, when, and what a celebration should entail.

YOU make YOUR plans to celebrate your mother’s birthday. Full stop.

Why so much anger?

Because every 30 seconds, some weak dumbazz is on DCUM whining about how, when they lay down, people walk all over them. Maybe if they would *stop acting like such freaking doormats,* they wouldn’t be treated as such! Zero self-awareness or personal responsibility. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I do not think you need to “cave” but I also think you are making far too much out of no reservations. Most grown adults appreciate a phone call, text, Facebook message. Your mom got a lovely trip. It is very possible she did not expect anything else. It sounds like she had a lovely day planned. Perhaps you are thinking about what you want your kids to do for you?

I would do your own thing after this and send a reminder to your siblings so they call your mom on her birthday. If you want to plan more, go ahead, but stop thinking this is some sort of requirement.

[Anonymous]

You are not responsible for their actions. Time to step back and let them do their own planning and gift giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let your siblings create their own adult relationship with their mother. Maybe that doesn’t include gifts. And maybe your mom is fine either way. Stand back and let them all work it out.

This. Your mom is an adult. If her birthday is important to her, she needs to let your siblings know. If she is hurt by how they treat her on her birthday, she needs to let them know. Or not.

[Anonymous]

No, you drop them.

And you should have started doing that when they were in their teens, so they could get there sooner (unless they have severe ADHD or something like that, in which case, they will never remember birthdays consistently).

[Anonymous]

Not as old as your Mom but I do expect my kids to give me cards. And I 100% will be going on a vacation with my DH and not my kids. Because I have kids your age. I have low expectations for their output and high expectations of what they want from me.

You need to just stop stressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't your problem. Time for the others to grow up and develop their own plans and take responsibility for their successes and failures in the gift department. Were your siblings adopted? A 70 yr old having a 23 and 25 yr old seems old. (Just curious about the dynamic here.)

My brother (25) and younger sister & brother (23) are through surrogacy. I'm 35 and the only kid my mom birthed.

Basically, my parents tried for years before having me. They tried for more kids after me without luck and went through two failed adoptions before switching to surrogacy.

Are they not her biological children?

[Anonymous]

Stop doing things as a group.

It’s no big deal that your mom has o plans on her birthday. Who cares? I’m sure she enjoyed your trip immensely.