Is it okay to ask ILs to stay in a hotel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, and you shouldn't need them to help you move. You're two adults. Act like it - hire movers like normal people. You can't ask people for help but then say "Oh, but you can't stay here" - are they supposed to help you move but also pay for the gas to travel to you AND three meals a day? It shouldn't cost THEM money to help you move. Tell them to come visit you in the new house a week or month after you've moved and just hire movers for half a day.

OP here. To be clear, we are hiring movers. They would be offended if we told them not to come.

You need to learn now not to worry about whether they act offended. Old people often lack filters. When they don’t get their way they may act offended, scoff, pout and behave in ways that would be embarrassing for an adult. It’s similar to a toddler stamping their foot, throwing a tantrum or a young teen slamming a door. It’s a lack of emotional regulation. As an adult the way to handle all this is to stay calm, hold firm and don’t take it personally.

It doesn’t work to have them “help” while you are moving. Don’t enable a situation that will make everyone miserable or cost you hundreds more because you can’t deal with poorly behaved old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, and you shouldn't need them to help you move. You're two adults. Act like it - hire movers like normal people. You can't ask people for help but then say "Oh, but you can't stay here" - are they supposed to help you move but also pay for the gas to travel to you AND three meals a day? It shouldn't cost THEM money to help you move. Tell them to come visit you in the new house a week or month after you've moved and just hire movers for half a day.

OP here. To be clear, we are hiring movers. They would be offended if we told them not to come.

Then you don't need their help - the movers are helping. Even if you and DH and both in wheelchairs, the movers will handle everything - that's literally what they do. Having more people with their stuff, is just more work. I'd be offended if they tried to insist on coming when we were moving. "We're trying to get things and people OUT of this house - having houseguests is counter-intuitive to that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What specifically are they helping with, since you have hired movers?

NP here. When we last moved, we had movers, but it was nice to have someone that could run to the supermarket if we need something that we hadn't planned on, to run out to grab lunch for everyone. To go and move the cars that might be blocking a moving truck or a ton of little things that came up. This way we could focus on working with the movers, making sure that they packed the right things, that boxes were labeled, or when unloading which labeled boxes went in which room. We used colored tape to match rooms, but sometimes we had problems communicating with the moving team, since on the team leader spoke English. I remember sending my family member out to buy pizzas for the mover crew and later sending them to the Lowe's to get something we needed for one of the bathrooms. And were able to move our car to a space further away from the house so that the moving truck had room to back and forth into the driveway.

OP may not need any of these, but you never know what stuff happens during a move. And having someone around to tell to go and do X so that you could focus on coordinating with the movers was helpful for us.

[Anonymous]

Frame it as a treat/thank you gift. We booked you a hotel room to make you more comfortable because we are so grateful for your help. Hotel room is nonrefundable so you have to use it or we lose the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to pay for the hotel room.

OP here - obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be kind of mean to expect nice ILs who are coming to help to stay at a house without anything comfortable set up. It was much nicer for them to stay in a hotel. Why is your DH putting his foot down about this? They are his parents. If he feels really strongly about this, then you need to outline what it will mean for him yo “host” then so that you can focus on unpacking.

I also don’t underhand all the grief people are giving you about them coming to help. My parents used to do this as well. I really enjoyed having an extra set of hands when doing things like organizing my kitchen or sending my dad to the hardware store. I think it’s nice that they are coming to help.

OP here - yes, this is exactly the kind of help they want to provide. Thank you for understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically are they helping with, since you have hired movers?

NP here. When we last moved, we had movers, but it was nice to have someone that could run to the supermarket if we need something that we hadn't planned on, to run out to grab lunch for everyone. To go and move the cars that might be blocking a moving truck or a ton of little things that came up. This way we could focus on working with the movers, making sure that they packed the right things, that boxes were labeled, or when unloading which labeled boxes went in which room. We used colored tape to match rooms, but sometimes we had problems communicating with the moving team, since on the team leader spoke English. I remember sending my family member out to buy pizzas for the mover crew and later sending them to the Lowe's to get something we needed for one of the bathrooms. And were able to move our car to a space further away from the house so that the moving truck had room to back and forth into the driveway.

OP may not need any of these, but you never know what stuff happens during a move. And having someone around to tell to go and do X so that you could focus on coordinating with the movers was helpful for us.

I don't know how long ago you moved, but in 2023 people can get groceries and pizza delivered. One adult can move a car while the other directs boxes. You just don't need four adults PLUS movers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should offer the hotel room and obviously be the one to pay for it. If they insist on staying with you, they should sleep in your bed and you and DH can set up an air mattress.

Either way seems fine to me TBH.

Oh hell to the no. OP doesn't even want them there, and has hired professional movers. ILs are bored and want to feel needed/wanted/loved/included. Which is fine, but if they are not willing to at least stay in a hotel, there is no way in HELL OP should sleep on a floor because ILs are pushy. "Help" that is not wanted or needed is not "help," it is indulging old folks so they feel needed. No way in hell should OP sleep on the floor because they are butting in.

You're nuts. Nowhere does it say any of that. I feel sorry for your ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be kind of mean to expect nice ILs who are coming to help to stay at a house without anything comfortable set up. It was much nicer for them to stay in a hotel. Why is your DH putting his foot down about this? They are his parents. If he feels really strongly about this, then you need to outline what it will mean for him yo “host” then so that you can focus on unpacking.

I also don’t underhand all the grief people are giving you about them coming to help. My parents used to do this as well. I really enjoyed having an extra set of hands when doing things like organizing my kitchen or sending my dad to the hardware store. I think it’s nice that they are coming to help.

OP here - yes, this is exactly the kind of help they want to provide. Thank you for understanding.

Agreed. When we moved into our current house, my MIL and a friend of hers lined the bottoms of ALL of our cupboards with a nice sheet of clear plastic/vinyl. The house has a lot of cabinets in the kitchen plus 4 bathrooms so it was a HUGE help and honestly, I know I wouldn't have done it on my own.
https://www.containerstore.com/s/kitchen/pantry-organizers/clear-plast-o-mat-ribbed-shelf-liner/12d?productId=10000688&country=US¤cy=USD&skuId=10051309&cid=cse%7cPMAX%7cGoogle%7cTCSP_X_US_EN_Kitchen_PMAX_X_18786525748___en%7c&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=pla&adpos=&scid=scplp10051309&sc_intid=10051309&gclid=CjwKCAjwvdajBhBEEiwAeMh1U4qk-hv3PCETP0pbauj_MQVa-c39OSZGhMZfch7KNwnhyO__CjoVVBoCsYQQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be kind of mean to expect nice ILs who are coming to help to stay at a house without anything comfortable set up. It was much nicer for them to stay in a hotel. Why is your DH putting his foot down about this? They are his parents. If he feels really strongly about this, then you need to outline what it will mean for him yo “host” then so that you can focus on unpacking.

I also don’t underhand all the grief people are giving you about them coming to help. My parents used to do this as well. I really enjoyed having an extra set of hands when doing things like organizing my kitchen or sending my dad to the hardware store. I think it’s nice that they are coming to help.

OP here - yes, this is exactly the kind of help they want to provide. Thank you for understanding.

I think most people understand this. But the combative DCUM posters will never ever grasp that.

I am well into my middle years now, but on sweltering days, I still think,"Boy, in my 20s, this was moving weather!" I am so glad that everyone I know afford movers, but it's still helpful to the movers and fun for the helpers to see the new house, help it come together, etc.

AND THEN TO STAY IN A FULLY FUNCTIONAL HOTEL ROOM.

Congrats on your new place, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should offer the hotel room and obviously be the one to pay for it. If they insist on staying with you, they should sleep in your bed and you and DH can set up an air mattress.

Either way seems fine to me TBH.

Oh hell to the no. OP doesn't even want them there, and has hired professional movers. ILs are bored and want to feel needed/wanted/loved/included. Which is fine, but if they are not willing to at least stay in a hotel, there is no way in HELL OP should sleep on a floor because ILs are pushy. "Help" that is not wanted or needed is not "help," it is indulging old folks so they feel needed. No way in hell should OP sleep on the floor because they are butting in.

You're nuts. Nowhere does it say any of that. I feel sorry for your ILs.

If it's all so easy peasy, then why is OP wringing her hands and talking about how "offended" her ILs will be if she dares not invite them until they are guest-ready? Apparently OP is afraid they will be "offended"--her word--over a freaking hotel room that she would pay for. So what's the problem if they are so wonderful?

[Anonymous]

Sorry if you've already mentioned this but do you have kids? Maybe you could book a hotel that has a pool and the kids could go on a mini vacation with the grandparents? That would likely be more helpful than having them around while you move.

If not, I would risk offending them and ask them to come the week later when you could really use their help. Depending on their age, having them move furniture is probably not a great idea but having them help put the kitchen stuff away would be.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to visit people during a move?
Tell them you appreciate the help and to make sure they are comfortable and actually have a bed to sleep on, you booked them a room.

[Anonymous]

It’s totally fine. I’m actually in the exact situation but we are moving in not out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should offer the hotel room and obviously be the one to pay for it. If they insist on staying with you, they should sleep in your bed and you and DH can set up an air mattress.

Either way seems fine to me TBH.

Oh hell to the no. OP doesn't even want them there, and has hired professional movers. ILs are bored and want to feel needed/wanted/loved/included. Which is fine, but if they are not willing to at least stay in a hotel, there is no way in HELL OP should sleep on a floor because ILs are pushy. "Help" that is not wanted or needed is not "help," it is indulging old folks so they feel needed. No way in hell should OP sleep on the floor because they are butting in.

You're nuts. Nowhere does it say any of that. I feel sorry for your ILs.

If it's all so easy peasy, then why is OP wringing her hands and talking about how "offended" her ILs will be if she dares not invite them until they are guest-ready? Apparently OP is afraid they will be "offended"--her word--over a freaking hotel room that she would pay for. So what's the problem if they are so wonderful?

+100

That's the part of this entire thread that makes no sense. In-laws who would be "hurt" not to stay in the new house the first night, causing OP all kinds of mental gyrations about buying a cheap bed/giving up her bed so the older folks wouldn't have to sleep on the floor and so forth, are not going to provide much in the way of assistance.