When to tell children about a suicide in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand why boomers (my parents) thought that telling big secrets to teenagers was a good idea. My parents did it to me, my husband's parents did it to him. It made both of us distrust them. Keeping secrets and telling lies for over a decade is unnecessary. A teen also doesn't have the life experience to understand why people are embarrassed and therefore lie. They just feel betrayed.

This is my feeling about generational secrecy, as well. What good comes of this? If we lived intergenerationally, the family members would learn organically.

[Anonymous]

At 13, suicide shouldn’t be a secret. You should be talking to your child about suicide and suicidal thoughts and how and who to come to if they have these feelings.

[Anonymous]

My mom committed suicide long before my kids were born. They are now late teens/young adults and I've never told them. I sometimes wonder if someone else has told them along the way, since they've never asked (except once when they were very young) what happened.
I didn't really mean to not tell them, but the older they got, the harder it was to just bring it up in conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand why boomers (my parents) thought that telling big secrets to teenagers was a good idea. My parents did it to me, my husband's parents did it to him. It made both of us distrust them. Keeping secrets and telling lies for over a decade is unnecessary. A teen also doesn't have the life experience to understand why people are embarrassed and therefore lie. They just feel betrayed.

This is my feeling about generational secrecy, as well. What good comes of this? If we lived intergenerationally, the family members would learn organically.

THIS.

OP, I also lost my mom to suicide as a child but in my case didn’t find out until I was in my mid 20’s. My dad’s family kept me from her family (once spanking me for finding out that I called my aunt) in order to ensure I didn’t know. That caused me much more trauma than the suicide (my mom waited until I was with my dad for the summer as they were divorced).

In my case, I have a nonexistent relationship with my dad’s wife for her complicity in keeping the secret.

My children learned when they asked questions when they were about 5 and 6. It was never a secret with them. I assured them that I watch my mental health and I won’t leave them and they never need worry about losing me to suicide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't except if they ask. There is no need for them to know.

Wrong. It is part of their medical history.

Agree. In addition, talking about suicide does not lead to suicidal ideation. We have had two deaths in our family as a result of suicide and we do not avoid the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. I forget when and how I learned about it, but I don’t think I was as young as 10.

All of this talk about them “having to know because it’s their medical history” is BS. They don’t need to know their medical history when they’re 10. When they’re older and they ask you tell them. Until then who cares. My grandfather’s suicide has had no impact on my life.

Are you sure?

[Anonymous]

This thread is terrifying. We can certainly disagree and debate what age is appropriate to tell children about suicide but the flippancy over suicide is shocking. Don’t tell them - they don’t need to know - it has no affect on them. First of all keeping suicide in the dark is extremely harmful. Second, why are you treating the person who died like some kind of social pariah? I’m curious - if you think suicide is NBD, how do you feel about mental illness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 13, suicide shouldn’t be a secret. You should be talking to your child about suicide and suicidal thoughts and how and who to come to if they have these feelings.

Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. I forget when and how I learned about it, but I don’t think I was as young as 10.

All of this talk about them “having to know because it’s their medical history” is BS. They don’t need to know their medical history when they’re 10. When they’re older and they ask you tell them. Until then who cares. My grandfather’s suicide has had no impact on my life.

You should be reporting in every form that asks your medical history.

Ok, Dr. DCUM.

You know 10 year olds commit suicide right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom committed suicide long before my kids were born. They are now late teens/young adults and I've never told them. I sometimes wonder if someone else has told them along the way, since they've never asked (except once when they were very young) what happened.
I didn't really mean to not tell them, but the older they got, the harder it was to just bring it up in conversation.

You have to tell them, now.

The hesitancy is a function of your issues , not theirs.

They have a right to know their family history. And this will undoubtedly help them understand you.

Stop delaying. This is not something you want to discuss at a distance.

[Anonymous]

Related for whenever discuss- suicide & crisis lifeline # is 988. The old 800# will still work too, but 988 is move to help.

https://988lifeline.org/current-events/the-lifeline-and-988/

988 is now the three-digit dialing code that routes callers to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (or 988 Lifeline). On July 16, 2022, the Lifeline transitioned away from the National Suicide Prevention Line reached through a 10-digit number to the three-digit 988 Lifeline. It is funded by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) and administered by Vibrant Emotional Health (Vibrant).

When people call, text, or chat with the 988 Lifeline, they are connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing 988 Lifeline network, made up of over 200 local crisis centers. These counselors are trained to provide free and confidential emotional support and crisis counseling to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, and connect them to resources. These services are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, across the United States.

The previous 988 Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. I forget when and how I learned about it, but I don’t think I was as young as 10.

All of this talk about them “having to know because it’s their medical history” is BS. They don’t need to know their medical history when they’re 10. When they’re older and they ask you tell them. Until then who cares. My grandfather’s suicide has had no impact on my life.

You should be reporting in every form that asks your medical history.

Ok, Dr. DCUM.

You know 10 year olds commit suicide right?

Look, I’m the one whose grandfather committed suicide before I was born.

It’s was 60 years ago.

I have 7 siblings and 15 cousins. Most of us have kids. Some of us have grandkids. There are many, many of us.

There has not been a single other suicide in the entire family. No one whose lineage can be traced to my grandfather has committed suicide other than my grandfather himself.

I’m not saying the kids never, ever should be told. I just don’t think they need to be told at 10. That’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I think the question is why you tell them about other kinds of deaths and not death by suicide. By not telling you are stigmatizing mental health - the secrecy is sending a message to your children that mental health issues are shameful.

We don’t have death by suicide in my family, but we have mental health issues and we name them and talk about them.

I think it can be a constructive conversation. We talk with our young kids about how my DH’s grandmother died of lung cancer and she was a lifelong smoker. It’s not a scary conversation- young kids are curious and not mean about many of these topics. As they gain the maturity to really understand, the conversation continues and they also understand that we are a resource to tal about things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't except if they ask. There is no need for them to know.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't except if they ask. There is no need for them to know.

This

No. Not this. A family history of completed suicide raises the risk of suicide death, with or without psychiatric illness in the person in the later generation.

There is no other medical risk factor that would be handled with this kind of preciousness on DCUM. Just total fearfulness and ignorance on display with this line of argument. People will be harmed by this nonsense.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12387960/