When to tell children about a suicide in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father committed suicide when I was a child. My step-dad is my children's grandfather, but they know I had a different dad before him and that he died. My kids are 10 and 13, and I'm just wondering when I should tell them about this part of our family history? I don't want it to be this big family secret, but I want them to be old enough to understand. I didn't find out myself how he died until I was 17 (accidentally, by reading about it), so I don't have experience being told this news in a child-friendly way. Would love any advice on this, thanks!

They never knew him and only know that he died long ago. Why burden them with his suicide?

Your generation over thinks everything!

My grandfather committed suicide when I was in HS. I never talked to my kids about it. It came up when my grandmother died. My kids were in HS and knew her well. They did not really care so much as they did not know him. It came up in conversation when they were there. I talked to them about it afterwards but it was not a big thing.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same thing, but my FIL's brother died by suicide before my DH was born. My kids are 16 and 13 and we have always been open about mental illness running in the family and the importance of asking for help if you are feeling depressed/anxious/not in control.

[Anonymous]

There is a genetic component to suicide risk so this is partly why it’s a relaxant part of their family medical history.

[Anonymous]

^relavant.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same thing, but my grandfather was an alcoholic (and died of it) before I was born. I think my dad (it was his father) started mentioning this around when I was a tween? It was never terribly upsetting to me, since I never met him, but I’m glad I know since it is a heritable condition.

[Anonymous]

They’re old enough now. I don’t know that I’d bring it up cold, but the next time there is a relevant discussion about suicide, I’d gently broach it. You don’t need to provide details unless they ask but they’re at an age where they are certainly already aware of suicide. It shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Lots of teens and even preteens have contemplated suicide and this is your opening to discuss this important topic. I was stunned to learn last fall my teen was considering it. Thank goodness we have always had open discussions about mental health and he was willing to open up about it so we could quickly intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. I forget when and how I learned about it, but I don’t think I was as young as 10.

All of this talk about them “having to know because it’s their medical history” is BS. They don’t need to know their medical history when they’re 10. When they’re older and they ask you tell them. Until then who cares. My grandfather’s suicide has had no impact on my life.

You should be reporting in every form that asks your medical history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who say, no need to tell them until they are adults.

+1

[Anonymous]

Folks here thinking that not discussing suicide bears any relationship to keeping it off of a kid’s mind are…out to lunch is the most polite way I can say it.

That’s not to say that OP has to start briefing them about it immediately, but the idea that there should be active shielding going on is ludicrous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. I forget when and how I learned about it, but I don’t think I was as young as 10.

All of this talk about them “having to know because it’s their medical history” is BS. They don’t need to know their medical history when they’re 10. When they’re older and they ask you tell them. Until then who cares. My grandfather’s suicide has had no impact on my life.

You should be reporting in every form that asks your medical history.

Ok, Dr. DCUM.

[Anonymous]

They never knew him and only know that he died long ago. Why burden them with his suicide?

Your generation over thinks everything!

What is wrong with your generation? Bullying/being mean to a random person on the internet asking for advice. Would it kill you to respond kindly or not at all? Honestly, this is the least helpful answer ever. Why did you even bother responding if you just wanted to be an a-hole to someone. Did it make you feel better?

[Anonymous]

And if you don't think a parent's suicide impacts children you are very wrong.

It helped me understand my dad to learn that he had lived through his father's suicide.

[Anonymous]

My MIL never told DH. She made up a story about how her father died and then let it slip to me once. I feel conflicted every time it comes up in a doctor visit for medical history but I decided not to say anything since I don’t want to cause drama. So my husband thinks his grandfather died from medical complications. At this point it would be the medical history of my kids great grandfather so I’m not sure it’s as important for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with those who say, no need to tell them until they are adults.

+1

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand why boomers (my parents) thought that telling big secrets to teenagers was a good idea. My parents did it to me, my husband's parents did it to him. It made both of us distrust them. Keeping secrets and telling lies for over a decade is unnecessary. A teen also doesn't have the life experience to understand why people are embarrassed and therefore lie. They just feel betrayed.