When to tell children about a suicide in the family

[Anonymous]

My father committed suicide when I was a child. My step-dad is my children's grandfather, but they know I had a different dad before him and that he died. My kids are 10 and 13, and I'm just wondering when I should tell them about this part of our family history? I don't want it to be this big family secret, but I want them to be old enough to understand. I didn't find out myself how he died until I was 17 (accidentally, by reading about it), so I don't have experience being told this news in a child-friendly way. Would love any advice on this, thanks!

[Anonymous]

I would start easing them into the idea soon so it doesn't become a huge deal. Start by introducing the concept of mental illness and depression if they don't already have that.

I'm very sorry for your loss and for your traumatic experience. I hope that time has helped you.

[Anonymous]

Now is a good age to carefully introduce it. Are you close to your step dad? I would also loop your mom and him into the reveal so they are ready to answer any questions that they get from your kids. Your mom particularly seems sensitive to it, given she didn’t tell you.

[Anonymous]

I think they’re old enough now. But I’d wait until they ask.

[Anonymous]

My step-mom’s dad committed suicide when she was 13. She and my dad got together when I was 4. I think she was pretty candid about how her dad died when it came up - I’d guess I was about 7/8. I don’t ever remember not knowing. I remember thinking that was scary and upsetting, but didn’t feel traumatized or anything.

[Anonymous]

I'd wait a little longer -- this information may give them anxiety that you will do the same.

[Anonymous]

You don't except if they ask. There is no need for them to know.

[Anonymous]

Uh, I'd wait personally until late high school unless they are going to be confronted by it earlier than that. My own kid is 13 and I'm not sure they'd understand. Is there a kid friendly way to do this?

[Anonymous]

When they get into health class (middle or high school?) and start learning about mental health.

My grandfather committed suicide. My mom (it was not her dad), told us. Most of my cousins were not told. I appreciate my Mom’s candor because it is part of my medical history. Also, it gave me insights into my father (it was his father).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't except if they ask. There is no need for them to know.

Wrong. It is part of their medical history.

[Anonymous]

The next time they hear about a death by suicide (including celebrities or the like), you could say something like: “This is also how my father, Grandma’s husband before Stepgrand, died.” And take it from there.

[Anonymous]

My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. I forget when and how I learned about it, but I don’t think I was as young as 10.

All of this talk about them “having to know because it’s their medical history” is BS. They don’t need to know their medical history when they’re 10. When they’re older and they ask you tell them. Until then who cares. My grandfather’s suicide has had no impact on my life.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t they asked how he died? If so, what did you say? My mom died of cancer long before I was married and my kids started asking why she died when they were around 6.

I think your kids are old enough to know that your dad took his own life due to mental illness, addiction, whatever the case. I wouldn’t necessarily go into a lot of detail about the specifics until they’re a bit older. I also wouldn’t bring it up unless they ask or something occurs that might serve as a good segue—especially if it relates to mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father committed suicide when I was a child. My step-dad is my children's grandfather, but they know I had a different dad before him and that he died. My kids are 10 and 13, and I'm just wondering when I should tell them about this part of our family history? I don't want it to be this big family secret, but I want them to be old enough to understand. I didn't find out myself how he died until I was 17 (accidentally, by reading about it), so I don't have experience being told this news in a child-friendly way. Would love any advice on this, thanks!

They never knew him and only know that he died long ago. Why burden them with his suicide?

Your generation over thinks everything!

[Anonymous]

I agree with those who say, no need to tell them until they are adults.