Forgiveness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness (to me) does not mean that trust has been reinstated. It simply means acknowledging that the past cannot be changed, but one must still move forward and not remain stagnant. It allows me to move on.

- Atheist, raised Muslim

But do you let the person who hurt you have another chance at hurting you again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was sexually abused by my stepfather. He never repented and my mother (who knew) prefers to think of it as "ancient history."

I am not religious, but I made a conscious decision in my 20s to forgive him and her. It was more like releasing them from my mind and my heart, because holding onto the memory and the pain was harming only me.

I never said anything to them. For me, the forgiveness was about me, not them.

I'm in the same situation only I feel angry still at my mom who got a free pass because I told her about it and she did nothing about it and doesn't acknowledge her wrong doing. Try as I might, I can't forgive (I have tired for decades) to forgive anyone who doesn't even acknowledge any wrong doing on their part. It in fact makes me much more angry. If she would admit fault and her part I could move on much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Religions preach forgiveness because it actually helps the wronged party (in addition to promoting overall social peace). When you forgive, you’re freeing yourself from carrying around pain and anger.

Keeping hurt alive will eventually harm you more than it will harm the offender. It’s like picking at a wound so that it never heals and you’re constantly re-igniting the pain.

For wrongs you’ve done, accepting forgiveness is as important as forgiving. You can’t grow and develop into a better person if you’re constantly re-living your mistakes. Again, it’s like re-opening a wound instead of letting new skin form.

Yes sometimes it can be hardest to forgive ourselves for messing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was sexually abused by my stepfather. He never repented and my mother (who knew) prefers to think of it as "ancient history."

I am not religious, but I made a conscious decision in my 20s to forgive him and her. It was more like releasing them from my mind and my heart, because holding onto the memory and the pain was harming only me.

I never said anything to them. For me, the forgiveness was about me, not them.

I'm in the same situation only I feel angry still at my mom who got a free pass because I told her about it and she did nothing about it and doesn't acknowledge her wrong doing. Try as I might, I can't forgive (I have tired for decades) to forgive anyone who doesn't even acknowledge any wrong doing on their part. It in fact makes me much more angry. If she would admit fault and her part I could move on much easier.

So sorry for your experience. That places you in a very tough situation in terms of finding forgiveness for the people who caused you great harm.

I sometimes wonder about Jesus teaching to forgive those who ask for forgiveness an infinite number of times. But what about in your type of situation where the wrong doers show no remorse or seeking of forgiveness for their actions?

I hope that you are able find whatever approach helps you to find forgiveness for your mother and step father. It may be that more creative forms of therapy could help. For example, art or music therapy that allows you to both express your pain and create new inner spaces where healing and forgiveness could grow slowly over time.

If you are not religious, perhaps meditation and allowing your pain/ anger/ awful Memories to arise but then float away. For example, sometimes I sit quietly and let painful thoughts come up and then place them in balloons or boats and allow them to float away.

Your inner self is puke know what is best for healing your terrible childhood experience.

Wishing you peace, grace and eventually forgiving mercies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ted Lasso has taught us all a valuable lesson on the power of forgiveness!

.

Is this the theme of season 3? I must renew my apple subscription to watch it!

No spoilers, but forgiveness is the theme of all the seasons, really. Season 3 had to deal with a betrayal at the end of season 2, plus many other storylines that deal with characters seeking or granting forgiveness. I especially love how some of the characters agonize over the wrong they've done, only to be forgiven easily, while others are forgiven without showing contrition, because the wronged character determines that it's better for their own health and happiness to let it go.
Someone should start the Church of Lasso.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness (to me) does not mean that trust has been reinstated. It simply means acknowledging that the past cannot be changed, but one must still move forward and not remain stagnant. It allows me to move on.

- Atheist, raised Muslim

But do you let the person who hurt you have another chance at hurting you again?

I am Hindu and forgiveness is not a big focus. Dharma and staying on the righteous path oneself is important. Treating others well etc.

Personally, and reflective of that tradition, I think forgiveness can be helpful in some situations to help the wronged person move on. But there is no obligation to forgive someone or grant them some kind of absolution so that the person who did the wrongdoing can feel better about themselves. (Not saying that other religions require it in that way - but I have sometimes seen ppl repeatedly wrong others and then expect forgiveness, which I think puts an unfair burden back on the victim.)

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness and absolution are not the same. Forgiving someone does not release them from consequences or even from punishment. Forgiveness is letting go of the psychological burden of holding on to ill will or desire for revenge. It releases a psychological hold over you caused by the wrong.

[Anonymous]

I try and follow BK Shivani and even though I do not follow her religion, I have followed her spiritual lessons to turn around my life and I have influenced others. Forgiveness is a powerful tool to make yourself stronger and to influence others in the most positive way without their knowledge.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try and follow BK Shivani and even though I do not follow her religion, I have followed her spiritual lessons to turn around my life and I have influenced others. Forgiveness is a powerful tool to mak yourself stronger and to influence others in the most positive way without their knowledge.

Could you please provide link to her clearest teachings in English on forgiveness ? A bunch of you tube videos came up and some of them in Hindu language.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness (to me) does not mean that trust has been reinstated. It simply means acknowledging that the past cannot be changed, but one must still move forward and not remain stagnant. It allows me to move on.

- Atheist, raised Muslim

But do you let the person who hurt you have another chance at hurting you again?

I am Hindu and forgiveness is not a big focus. Dharma and staying on the righteous path oneself is important. Treating others well etc.

Personally, and reflective of that tradition, I think forgiveness can be helpful in some situations to help the wronged person move on. But there is no obligation to forgive someone or grant them some kind of absolution so that the person who did the wrongdoing can feel better about themselves. (Not saying that other religions require it in that way - but I have sometimes seen ppl repeatedly wrong others and then expect forgiveness, which I think puts an unfair burden back on the victim.)

Not Hindu but this is most in line with my personal sense of spirituality and ethics (I'm a secular humanist).

Forgiveness must come from within the wronged party and I think an obligation (whether religious or cultural or social) to forgive tends to re-victimize the wronged party or can become a form of victim-blaming. Also, I most often see the imperative to forgive applied when the offending party is in a position of power. I was raised Catholic and recall conversations about forgiveness in the Church in the 90s regarding sexual abuse and it was one of the reasons I left the church -- it was very clear that much of the preaching about forgiveness was driven by the desire to absolve people who abused their power, and not to help heal those who were so horribly harmed by that abuse of power, or to repair the community or rebuild trust. I have seen this repeated in other situations where people in power horribly transgressed -- there is a push for forgiveness and "moving on" that is entirely self-serving. I have no interest in that.

I have found in my own life that sometimes it is useful to let go of the idea of forgiveness, especially if it feels wrong or uncomfortable to do so, and instead focus on my own actions and wellbeing. I have learned it is possible to let go of hurt and anger without forgiving, to simply... let go. I don't want my hurt and anger to lead me to violate my own moral code, nor do I want to live inside the hurt forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgiveness (to me) does not mean that trust has been reinstated. It simply means acknowledging that the past cannot be changed, but one must still move forward and not remain stagnant. It allows me to move on.

- Atheist, raised Muslim

But do you let the person who hurt you have another chance at hurting you again?

I am Hindu and forgiveness is not a big focus. Dharma and staying on the righteous path oneself is important. Treating others well etc.

Personally, and reflective of that tradition, I think forgiveness can be helpful in some situations to help the wronged person move on. But there is no obligation to forgive someone or grant them some kind of absolution so that the person who did the wrongdoing can feel better about themselves. (Not saying that other religions require it in that way - but I have sometimes seen ppl repeatedly wrong others and then expect forgiveness, which I think puts an unfair burden back on the victim.)

Not Hindu but this is most in line with my personal sense of spirituality and ethics (I'm a secular humanist).

Forgiveness must come from within the wronged party and I think an obligation (whether religious or cultural or social) to forgive tends to re-victimize the wronged party or can become a form of victim-blaming. Also, I most often see the imperative to forgive applied when the offending party is in a position of power. I was raised Catholic and recall conversations about forgiveness in the Church in the 90s regarding sexual abuse and it was one of the reasons I left the church -- it was very clear that much of the preaching about forgiveness was driven by the desire to absolve people who abused their power, and not to help heal those who were so horribly harmed by that abuse of power, or to repair the community or rebuild trust. I have seen this repeated in other situations where people in power horribly transgressed -- there is a push for forgiveness and "moving on" that is entirely self-serving. I have no interest in that.

I have found in my own life that sometimes it is useful to let go of the idea of forgiveness, especially if it feels wrong or uncomfortable to do so, and instead focus on my own actions and wellbeing. I have learned it is possible to let go of hurt and anger without forgiving, to simply... let go. I don't want my hurt and anger to lead me to violate my own moral code, nor do I want to live inside the hurt forever.

This sounds very healthy. Thanks for posting.

A question for you -- "secular humanist" is like "atheist", right? You don't believe in god. The difference is that the first says that you are a good person who doesn't believe in god, while the second just says you don't believe in god.