Can men successfully transition from a SAH wife to a working wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

I have these conversations all the time with family friends and acquaintances because I’m a keen observer of the subject. I’m 52 and all the women I speak with who are my age range DID have conversations with spouses ahead of marriage regarding the second shift work of keeping a home. Promises were made and reassurances given, but future behavior did not reflect the oral agreements reached. In this respect most husbands are like most kids who beg for a pet and promise to do all the caregiving/husbandry but get bored very quickly and it all falls to parents which usually means mom.

Look this is the biggest large scale scam ever perpetrated and it’s been carried out for many generations by most men. Why would they ever want to change this status quo anyway? It benefits them for the most part. Women are biologically driven to want children - most of us, anyway, nothing wrong with those that resist the biological urge or don’t feel it so keenly; men exploit our desires and know very well that in the vast majority of cases we don’t walk away from parenting the way so many men can and do. They know that most women will tolerate a lot because they think and intact family is better for the kids, somehow not making the connection that these unequal households and marriages that exhibit a lot of disrespect and inequality in the division of labor are where the next generation of men learn it is the status quo. Not all, but most.

This DM reporting of a very recent Pew Research study reveals that while women are making more and more of the household income than ever before, they are still doing twice the work at home - or more. We are getting screwed ladies! When are WE going to change this system?

Here’s the link I forgot to include

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11973675/Whos-breadwinner-nearly-half-marriages-women-earn-husbands.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

It's not supposed to be a decision you make based on verbal promises! A smart woman decides based on observing the man's behavior. Is he responsible, organized, not time-blind, does he have ample executive functioning capacity. Does he pull his weight when planning trips with family and friends and is he conscientious about doing a fair share? Does he take care of his home and car, does he think about the long-term and spend time planning it. Can he do "adulting" tasks like choosing a health insurance plan or filing his taxes. You look at his behavior and you decide based on that. If you believed verbal promises without behavior to back it up, then that was an error in judgment on your part. This is so obvious to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

I have these conversations all the time with family friends and acquaintances because I’m a keen observer of the subject. I’m 52 and all the women I speak with who are my age range DID have conversations with spouses ahead of marriage regarding the second shift work of keeping a home. Promises were made and reassurances given, but future behavior did not reflect the oral agreements reached. In this respect most husbands are like most kids who beg for a pet and promise to do all the caregiving/husbandry but get bored very quickly and it all falls to parents which usually means mom.

Look this is the biggest large scale scam ever perpetrated and it’s been carried out for many generations by most men. Why would they ever want to change this status quo anyway? It benefits them for the most part. Women are biologically driven to want children - most of us, anyway, nothing wrong with those that resist the biological urge or don’t feel it so keenly; men exploit our desires and know very well that in the vast majority of cases we don’t walk away from parenting the way so many men can and do. They know that most women will tolerate a lot because they think and intact family is better for the kids, somehow not making the connection that these unequal households and marriages that exhibit a lot of disrespect and inequality in the division of labor are where the next generation of men learn it is the status quo. Not all, but most.

This DM reporting of a very recent Pew Research study reveals that while women are making more and more of the household income than ever before, they are still doing twice the work at home - or more. We are getting screwed ladies! When are WE going to change this system?

Agreed!!

Women need to articulate their needs and drop the rope just like the men do. When the kid (and him) are hungry sitting in a messy kitchen... go for a run. Eventually, he'll get it if you do that 50% of the time. Or simply come home late. Point to your schedule and say "it was your turn and I trusted you to do it". It's when you continually clean up after your kids and keep feeding the dog they got for their birthday that they don't learn responsibility. BTW, when the dog begs for food in the morning, I take him to my son's room and put him on the bed with my sleeping son.... a few minutes later, problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

It's not supposed to be a decision you make based on verbal promises! A smart woman decides based on observing the man's behavior. Is he responsible, organized, not time-blind, does he have ample executive functioning capacity. Does he pull his weight when planning trips with family and friends and is he conscientious about doing a fair share? Does he take care of his home and car, does he think about the long-term and spend time planning it. Can he do "adulting" tasks like choosing a health insurance plan or filing his taxes. You look at his behavior and you decide based on that. If you believed verbal promises without behavior to back it up, then that was an error in judgment on your part. This is so obvious to me.

Now this woman is a smart one who gets it.

Your daughter and marry my son...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

I have these conversations all the time with family friends and acquaintances because I’m a keen observer of the subject. I’m 52 and all the women I speak with who are my age range DID have conversations with spouses ahead of marriage regarding the second shift work of keeping a home. Promises were made and reassurances given, but future behavior did not reflect the oral agreements reached. In this respect most husbands are like most kids who beg for a pet and promise to do all the caregiving/husbandry but get bored very quickly and it all falls to parents which usually means mom.

Look this is the biggest large scale scam ever perpetrated and it’s been carried out for many generations by most men. Why would they ever want to change this status quo anyway? It benefits them for the most part. Women are biologically driven to want children - most of us, anyway, nothing wrong with those that resist the biological urge or don’t feel it so keenly; men exploit our desires and know very well that in the vast majority of cases we don’t walk away from parenting the way so many men can and do. They know that most women will tolerate a lot because they think and intact family is better for the kids, somehow not making the connection that these unequal households and marriages that exhibit a lot of disrespect and inequality in the division of labor are where the next generation of men learn it is the status quo. Not all, but most.

This DM reporting of a very recent Pew Research study reveals that while women are making more and more of the household income than ever before, they are still doing twice the work at home - or more. We are getting screwed ladies! When are WE going to change this system?

Agreed!!

Women need to articulate their needs and drop the rope just like the men do. When the kid (and him) are hungry sitting in a messy kitchen... go for a run. Eventually, he'll get it if you do that 50% of the time. Or simply come home late. Point to your schedule and say "it was your turn and I trusted you to do it". It's when you continually clean up after your kids and keep feeding the dog they got for their birthday that they don't learn responsibility. BTW, when the dog begs for food in the morning, I take him to my son's room and put him on the bed with my sleeping son.... a few minutes later, problem solved.

I drop the rope and it’s why my household is 50/50. Sad but true. I simply don’t do things or leave the house. Friends of mine with the most unequal marriages have a wife who rarely leaves the house because she says she had to keep everything together. I personally think things would improve if she started leaving and didn’t try to manage everything. These women are being used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

It's not supposed to be a decision you make based on verbal promises! A smart woman decides based on observing the man's behavior. Is he responsible, organized, not time-blind, does he have ample executive functioning capacity. Does he pull his weight when planning trips with family and friends and is he conscientious about doing a fair share? Does he take care of his home and car, does he think about the long-term and spend time planning it. Can he do "adulting" tasks like choosing a health insurance plan or filing his taxes. You look at his behavior and you decide based on that. If you believed verbal promises without behavior to back it up, then that was an error in judgment on your part. This is so obvious to me.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Yes very easily.

[Anonymous]

lol maybe it's been a long day but, what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

It's not supposed to be a decision you make based on verbal promises! A smart woman decides based on observing the man's behavior. Is he responsible, organized, not time-blind, does he have ample executive functioning capacity. Does he pull his weight when planning trips with family and friends and is he conscientious about doing a fair share? Does he take care of his home and car, does he think about the long-term and spend time planning it. Can he do "adulting" tasks like choosing a health insurance plan or filing his taxes. You look at his behavior and you decide based on that. If you believed verbal promises without behavior to back it up, then that was an error in judgment on your part. This is so obvious to me.

But this sort of "adulting" looks different when there are just 2 adults in a family, vs. an additional 2+ children. The load sharing in my relationships was fairly equal up until we had kids nearly a decade into our marriage. The kids totally through the balance off -- and it started right from the beginning with the inherent inequality of nursing. Spouse went off to work after a few days (no paternity leave at the time), leaving me to figure out how to handle a baby on my own. He tried as well as he could when coming home from work (the baby's witching hour), but between the baby needing constant nursing to calm down, the evening wakeups (for more nursing)... the load on my end just got heavier and heavier over time. It was a quiet and insidious transition. Things are better now that the kids are tweens and teens, but it was a ROUGH decade or so where I did ALL of the heavy lifting WRT home and children. All while working full time and outearning him. I'm not completely over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

It's not supposed to be a decision you make based on verbal promises! A smart woman decides based on observing the man's behavior. Is he responsible, organized, not time-blind, does he have ample executive functioning capacity. Does he pull his weight when planning trips with family and friends and is he conscientious about doing a fair share? Does he take care of his home and car, does he think about the long-term and spend time planning it. Can he do "adulting" tasks like choosing a health insurance plan or filing his taxes. You look at his behavior and you decide based on that. If you believed verbal promises without behavior to back it up, then that was an error in judgment on your part. This is so obvious to me.

I. Did. All. Of. This.

It’s completely, wildly different when you’re mid-career with kids.

That’s so obvious to me I am astonished you’re too thick to get it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think so. Men with SAHMs become so conditioned to doing nothing at home, that they really can't pull their 50% when their wife goes back to work. A better strategy might be getting the kids to do more chores because they're older now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

Listen, I have an incredibly equitable marriage as well. But, it is obnoxious to act like you have some sort of superior wisdom and judgment here. Yes, some women make bad choices and ignore red flags. Yes, some men lie and act like feminists until kids come along. Some women are pushovers who think they have to work hard outside the home and then excel at all things Martha Stewart as well. There are many ways these happens. But much of it is the inherent misogyny of the system that all women are born into.

In my case, I married a guy that isn’t a jerk who fully supports my career. He does a ton around the house and with the kids. The trade off is that I’m the primary breadwinner and hold the insurance for us all. I am fully appreciative that I could not have risen to the top in my career is I was married to about 98% of men in this world. Few men would be like “hey, no problem if you travel to Asia and back three times in seven weeks.” — which is the kind of stuff my husband handled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

Listen, I have an incredibly equitable marriage as well. But, it is obnoxious to act like you have some sort of superior wisdom and judgment here. Yes, some women make bad choices and ignore red flags. Yes, some men lie and act like feminists until kids come along. Some women are pushovers who think they have to work hard outside the home and then excel at all things Martha Stewart as well. There are many ways these happens. But much of it is the inherent misogyny of the system that all women are born into.

In my case, I married a guy that isn’t a jerk who fully supports my career. He does a ton around the house and with the kids. The trade off is that I’m the primary breadwinner and hold the insurance for us all. I am fully appreciative that I could not have risen to the top in my career is I was married to about 98% of men in this world. Few men would be like “hey, no problem if you travel to Asia and back three times in seven weeks.” — which is the kind of stuff my husband handled.

+1. The PP is incredibly obnoxious in her tone and no-one can have it "all figured out" because sometimes life changes. How you can plan from Day 1 your "expectations" is beyond me. My DH always saw me as his equal and we lived this way for a long time. DH's career took off like a rocket ship when we were in our 30s while I was at a job I hated bringing in a modest income. We got pregnant with twins followed by another pregnancy a year later. DH loves spending time with the kids and savors the time spent at home when he is at home. His demanding career has him traveling 3-4 times a month so straddling him with a chore chart would be extra stress and since I don't hate my husband or have a transactional relationship, I don't do it.

Did I think this would be the case when I was 27 living downtown as a career woman? No but I'm really, really happy with my life and I'm also a realist. Demanding that he does 50% no matter what while getting serious recognition and bringing an income I NEVER would have been able to is insane.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew that men didn't know how to parent and run a home well even if they said they could and wanted to. My DH was all for it even more than me perhaps. Well when kids came, he was all into it till they were about five years old and then when they started elementary school it was like all of a sudden they were a competition for his needs. He lost interest in his job, the kids, me, the house. Things were falling apart at the house. He started hoarding food. It was basically a mental collapse and then I found out he had an affair. But for those younger years it was like he knew he needed to help out but then didn't realize it was for 18 plus years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I knew that men didn't know how to parent and run a home well even if they said they could and wanted to. My DH was all for it even more than me perhaps. Well when kids came, he was all into it till they were about five years old and then when they started elementary school it was like all of a sudden they were a competition for his needs. He lost interest in his job, the kids, me, the house. Things were falling apart at the house. He started hoarding food. It was basically a mental collapse and then I found out he had an affair. But for those younger years it was like he knew he needed to help out but then didn't realize it was for 18 plus years.

Oof! This is an extreme example, but I can see how the reality of what is entailed in being an equal partner and parent may hit men harder than it does women. I mean we EXPECT having children and a full time career to be difficult, but men may not appreciate just how difficult it is until they are knee deep into it - especially if they didn't have a father who modelled this type of behavior. And I suspect that there were very few men who took on equal parenting back in the 70s and 80s.