Can men successfully transition from a SAH wife to a working wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are some of the challenges that you have faced as the new spouse?

Every man wants a SAHM wife but since everyone can't afford one and its a social taboo now, they put up with women who can bring in money and status but at heart they still want to be taken care of. Your solution is to hire help because otherwise you two would end up in tug of war about chores, more so if there are kids involved. Silver lining is that universally men have less expectations from second wives and do more for them, partially because the are more experienced and partially because they don't want another marriage to end. It would reflect bad on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

Wow, good for you that you think this is a good deal. Did he 'literally' take over half of each pregnancy, birth, and postpartum for you too? I would never marry someone who told me I would be responsible for all of that and exactly 50% of our income too.... that is gross to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so dependent on the individuals involved and their situation. I’m a SAHM and I know that the transition back will be good because a) DH has climbed the ladder enough to have flexibility to manage a lot of kid stuff even though his job is demanding and b) he is already very involved with housekeeping. It helps that the kids are in school full time!

If you’ve got a guy with little who thinks he doesn’t have to do anything when he gets home, doesn’t make sure his wife gets breaks from the kids, refuses to learn how to do things so that he never has to do them, etc., it’s going to be hard.

I know you asked for the perspective of the DH but men who fit into the second category aren’t going to come on here and admit that they had a difficult time with the adjustment because they were suddenly expected to do more than earn money and they didn’t like that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men would love to

Yes and no. Hard for first 3 years of the first child's life. You can line up LOTS of support and outsourcing and you have to be a team player and mature. It does get better.

2 kids become hairy, especially with illness picked up from daycare.

3 kids is impossible without a lot of help, nanny, flexible workplace and one low level career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

[Anonymous]

First 10 years of marriages (timely ones) are tough as both partners are young, inexperienced, money is tight, student debt is high, housing isn't secured, careers are demanding, transition from single lifestyle is tough, infertility, pregnancy, postpartum, infancy and toddlerhood is grueling, in-law relations are new, sexual needs are high, emotional needs are confusing. Its just a difficult period. First wives and husbands get the short end of the stick.

[Anonymous]

If you ask the only acceptable situation for some men is a hot Harvard grad who WFH and can pick up kids and make dinner… while earning 250k a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

Glad it worked out for you. Life doesn’t always go as planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

Yes. Premarital counseling and pre-nuptials have value but unless luck is involved, those marriages too deteriorate and dissolve. In fact more calculating two partners are, more problems they create.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men would love to

Yes and no. Hard for first 3 years of the first child's life. You can line up LOTS of support and outsourcing and you have to be a team player and mature. It does get better.

2 kids become hairy, especially with illness picked up from daycare.

3 kids is impossible without a lot of help, nanny, flexible workplace and one low level career.

It does depend heavily on the spacing of the children’s ages. Twins or babies close together is harder. Also, if any of the kids have special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you ask the only acceptable situation for some men is a hot Harvard grad who WFH and can pick up kids and make dinner… while earning 250k a year.

This^ is the unpleasant truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you ask the only acceptable situation for some men is a hot Harvard grad who WFH and can pick up kids and make dinner… while earning 250k a year.

Most ambitious women want the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG!!!

Why do you women keep marrying these incompetent men?!?!

My husband literally does half of everything. That was my expectation from day 1. His expectation was the same, literally half. Yes, I'm responsible for bringing in 50% of the income. It takes the pressure off him too. We both rise in our careers, although maybe at a slightly slower rate, but our income has been in the top 1% for 18 years - rather than after one of us hit some career milestone. Oh, and yes, he also took leave with each kid - 3 months FMLA (unpaid). I tool 3 months of which 2 weeks were paid.

OMG!!! why do women with equal partners assume that they would have picked out an unequal partner in advance while being entirely blind to their good luck?

As a boyfriend my husband did all the cooking and my laundry. As a father he became career obsessed. It was like a switch flipped and everything was secondary to his idea of what a provider is. And yes I also made a top 1% income.

It's not luck; it was discussed prior to marriage. I can't believe intelligent, educated women still exist that don't discuss these things prior to making a life long commitment. It's a really dumb thing to do for a smart person.

If the discussion was more like one stays home while the kids are young, that's a different choice, but you need to have the discussion about going back to work too. Of you choose to be the SAH spouse, then hiw can you expect the other person the suddenly change.... you can't.

Marriage is the most important decision (personal and business) a person will ever make. It shouldn't be made purely emotionally - that's insane.

It would be insane and stupid if it went the way you think it does. But you’re wrong.

Women who don’t have equal partners did everything you did and their husbands simply did not live up to what they promised in those pre marriage discussions.

This is so obvious it makes me wonder why you still don’t get it.

I have these conversations all the time with family friends and acquaintances because I’m a keen observer of the subject. I’m 52 and all the women I speak with who are my age range DID have conversations with spouses ahead of marriage regarding the second shift work of keeping a home. Promises were made and reassurances given, but future behavior did not reflect the oral agreements reached. In this respect most husbands are like most kids who beg for a pet and promise to do all the caregiving/husbandry but get bored very quickly and it all falls to parents which usually means mom.

Look this is the biggest large scale scam ever perpetrated and it’s been carried out for many generations by most men. Why would they ever want to change this status quo anyway? It benefits them for the most part. Women are biologically driven to want children - most of us, anyway, nothing wrong with those that resist the biological urge or don’t feel it so keenly; men exploit our desires and know very well that in the vast majority of cases we don’t walk away from parenting the way so many men can and do. They know that most women will tolerate a lot because they think and intact family is better for the kids, somehow not making the connection that these unequal households and marriages that exhibit a lot of disrespect and inequality in the division of labor are where the next generation of men learn it is the status quo. Not all, but most.

This DM reporting of a very recent Pew Research study reveals that while women are making more and more of the household income than ever before, they are still doing twice the work at home - or more. We are getting screwed ladies! When are WE going to change this system?