If you suspected your child was Bi or Gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the answer is stigma.

There is still stigma but that isn't the reason you don't just ask him about a possible gay relationship. The reason is because it's his story to tell. When we come out, we are being vulnerable and opening ourselves up. We are telling people who we are in our core. Coming out can be very hard/scary to do even when we know someone will be accepting because of how vulnerable it makes us. It's up to every LGBT person to decide who to come out to, when to come out, and how to come out. Being forced out of the closet is traumatizing. You're asking them to give you a piece of themselves that they are still nurturing and growing. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. And if he's not ready, you're going to either force him to lie to you or out come out before he's ready.

Coming out is about us. It's our story. It's not your story or about you.

Why is your sexuality elevated compared to heterosexual? Why wouldn't there be unilateral expectations? You know that gay and queer youth are sexually abused at higher rates than hetero. I can assure you the putting the oneous on a teen to disclose and not having family support and keeping secrets is all part of that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the answer is stigma.

There is still stigma but that isn't the reason you don't just ask him about a possible gay relationship. The reason is because it's his story to tell. When we come out, we are being vulnerable and opening ourselves up. We are telling people who we are in our core. Coming out can be very hard/scary to do even when we know someone will be accepting because of how vulnerable it makes us. It's up to every LGBT person to decide who to come out to, when to come out, and how to come out. Being forced out of the closet is traumatizing. You're asking them to give you a piece of themselves that they are still nurturing and growing. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. And if he's not ready, you're going to either force him to lie to you or out come out before he's ready.

Coming out is about us. It's our story. It's not your story or about you.

Why is your sexuality elevated compared to heterosexual? Why wouldn't there be unilateral expectations? You know that gay and queer youth are sexually abused at higher rates than hetero. I can assure you the putting the oneous on a teen to disclose and not having family support and keeping secrets is all part of that

Queer people don’t owe your their most deep truths about themselves. We can tell you when and if we do choose. As I said, if your son isn’t ready, he will just lie to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the answer is stigma.

There is still stigma but that isn't the reason you don't just ask him about a possible gay relationship. The reason is because it's his story to tell. When we come out, we are being vulnerable and opening ourselves up. We are telling people who we are in our core. Coming out can be very hard/scary to do even when we know someone will be accepting because of how vulnerable it makes us. It's up to every LGBT person to decide who to come out to, when to come out, and how to come out. Being forced out of the closet is traumatizing. You're asking them to give you a piece of themselves that they are still nurturing and growing. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. And if he's not ready, you're going to either force him to lie to you or out come out before he's ready.

Coming out is about us. It's our story. It's not your story or about you.

Why is your sexuality elevated compared to heterosexual? Why wouldn't there be unilateral expectations? You know that gay and queer youth are sexually abused at higher rates than hetero. I can assure you the putting the oneous on a teen to disclose and not having family support and keeping secrets is all part of that

Elevated? Straight people don’t come out because they don’t need to. It seems that you haven’t noticed but almost the entire world is straight and we tell our children in dozens of ways every day that we expect them to be straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the answer is stigma.

People who have had the experience of living as a gay person — an experience you have not had —- are telling you what will be most helpful based on that lived experience. You know this, and you’re choosing to argue with them. That’s simple privilege and bigotry. It’s EXACTLY like telling a person of color that they should feel complimented when someone makes a “compliment” based on stereotypes, or telling a woman that catcalls are really compliments.

You know this.

[Anonymous]

My 21 year old DD, to our knowledge, has never dated anyone, hasn’t been to a sleepover in a decade, no dates to school dances etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the answer is stigma.

There is still stigma but that isn't the reason you don't just ask him about a possible gay relationship. The reason is because it's his story to tell. When we come out, we are being vulnerable and opening ourselves up. We are telling people who we are in our core. Coming out can be very hard/scary to do even when we know someone will be accepting because of how vulnerable it makes us. It's up to every LGBT person to decide who to come out to, when to come out, and how to come out. Being forced out of the closet is traumatizing. You're asking them to give you a piece of themselves that they are still nurturing and growing. I'm not really sure how else to explain it. And if he's not ready, you're going to either force him to lie to you or out come out before he's ready.

Coming out is about us. It's our story. It's not your story or about you.

Why is your sexuality elevated compared to heterosexual? Why wouldn't there be unilateral expectations? You know that gay and queer youth are sexually abused at higher rates than hetero. I can assure you the putting the oneous on a teen to disclose and not having family support and keeping secrets is all part of that

Wow, you’re arguing against other people’s lived experience. Again. Way to go.

Maybe try believing people when they tell you what it’s like to be them? Believe women when they tell you what women go through. Believe Black peoples when they tell you about being Black. Believe gay people when they tell you about being gay. O

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

This is so funny. I’m LGBT and have a kid in MS and one in HS and neither of them seems pressured to “be” LGBTQ. Hint: you can’t be pressured into actually liking or being aroused by someone. You either are or you are not. As an adult, if you’re a woman that is straight, you don’t get aroused at the thought of other women. The whole “pressure” thing seems to not only be a lie but also doesn’t even make sense as being gay is not a choice but a biological reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

This is so funny. I’m LGBT and have a kid in MS and one in HS and neither of them seems pressured to “be” LGBTQ. Hint: you can’t be pressured into actually liking or being aroused by someone. You either are or you are not. As an adult, if you’re a woman that is straight, you don’t get aroused at the thought of other women. The whole “pressure” thing seems to not only be a lie but also doesn’t even make sense as being gay is not a choice but a biological reality.

NP. I think there is a fair amount of pressure to label one’s self, starting around 6th to 7th grade. And LGBTQIA+ is a catch-all for a wide swath of kids who don’t fit standard molds for all kinds of reasons, many of which have little or nothing to do with arousal. At least that’s what I observed with my own teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

This is so funny. I’m LGBT and have a kid in MS and one in HS and neither of them seems pressured to “be” LGBTQ. Hint: you can’t be pressured into actually liking or being aroused by someone. You either are or you are not. As an adult, if you’re a woman that is straight, you don’t get aroused at the thought of other women. The whole “pressure” thing seems to not only be a lie but also doesn’t even make sense as being gay is not a choice but a biological reality.

NP. I think there is a fair amount of pressure to label one’s self, starting around 6th to 7th grade. And LGBTQIA+ is a catch-all for a wide swath of kids who don’t fit standard molds for all kinds of reasons, many of which have little or nothing to do with arousal. At least that’s what I observed with my own teen.

So what, your 15 year old boy is calling himself gay while being attracted to girls? Your 13 year old girl is calling herself a lesbian while being attracted to boys? Or are they saying bi while only dating the opposite gender?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

This is so funny. I’m LGBT and have a kid in MS and one in HS and neither of them seems pressured to “be” LGBTQ. Hint: you can’t be pressured into actually liking or being aroused by someone. You either are or you are not. As an adult, if you’re a woman that is straight, you don’t get aroused at the thought of other women. The whole “pressure” thing seems to not only be a lie but also doesn’t even make sense as being gay is not a choice but a biological reality.

NP. I think there is a fair amount of pressure to label one’s self, starting around 6th to 7th grade. And LGBTQIA+ is a catch-all for a wide swath of kids who don’t fit standard molds for all kinds of reasons, many of which have little or nothing to do with arousal. At least that’s what I observed with my own teen.

So what, your 15 year old boy is calling himself gay while being attracted to girls? Your 13 year old girl is calling herself a lesbian while being attracted to boys? Or are they saying bi while only dating the opposite gender?

More like lots of 12-14 year old girls labeling themselves pan or omni or (my personal favorite for a young teen) ace, and dating no one. There’s pressure to declare, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

This is so funny. I’m LGBT and have a kid in MS and one in HS and neither of them seems pressured to “be” LGBTQ. Hint: you can’t be pressured into actually liking or being aroused by someone. You either are or you are not. As an adult, if you’re a woman that is straight, you don’t get aroused at the thought of other women. The whole “pressure” thing seems to not only be a lie but also doesn’t even make sense as being gay is not a choice but a biological reality.

NP. I think there is a fair amount of pressure to label one’s self, starting around 6th to 7th grade. And LGBTQIA+ is a catch-all for a wide swath of kids who don’t fit standard molds for all kinds of reasons, many of which have little or nothing to do with arousal. At least that’s what I observed with my own teen.

So what, your 15 year old boy is calling himself gay while being attracted to girls? Your 13 year old girl is calling herself a lesbian while being attracted to boys? Or are they saying bi while only dating the opposite gender?

More like lots of 12-14 year old girls labeling themselves pan or omni or (my personal favorite for a young teen) ace, and dating no one. There’s pressure to declare, for sure.

If someone is identifying as pan or ace then later realized they weren’t, so what? If someone identifies as one of those then turns out really to be, so what? I think hand wringing over someone that’s 14 saying they’re ace is kind of silly. It’s far from an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

This is so funny. I’m LGBT and have a kid in MS and one in HS and neither of them seems pressured to “be” LGBTQ. Hint: you can’t be pressured into actually liking or being aroused by someone. You either are or you are not. As an adult, if you’re a woman that is straight, you don’t get aroused at the thought of other women. The whole “pressure” thing seems to not only be a lie but also doesn’t even make sense as being gay is not a choice but a biological reality.

NP. I think there is a fair amount of pressure to label one’s self, starting around 6th to 7th grade. And LGBTQIA+ is a catch-all for a wide swath of kids who don’t fit standard molds for all kinds of reasons, many of which have little or nothing to do with arousal. At least that’s what I observed with my own teen.

So what, your 15 year old boy is calling himself gay while being attracted to girls? Your 13 year old girl is calling herself a lesbian while being attracted to boys? Or are they saying bi while only dating the opposite gender?

More like lots of 12-14 year old girls labeling themselves pan or omni or (my personal favorite for a young teen) ace, and dating no one. There’s pressure to declare, for sure.

If someone is identifying as pan or ace then later realized they weren’t, so what? If someone identifies as one of those then turns out really to be, so what? I think hand wringing over someone that’s 14 saying they’re ace is kind of silly. It’s far from an emergency.

Did I say it was an emergency? I agree with you, so what? I was responding specifically to the notion of there being pressure to identify as something—which often turns out to be in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum—among groups of young teenage girls. It’s a thing. No handwringing. Asexual is a solid plan at 13.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of pressure to be LGBTQ mid and highschool. Ensure they feel supported to be the gay or straight equally.

This is so funny. I’m LGBT and have a kid in MS and one in HS and neither of them seems pressured to “be” LGBTQ. Hint: you can’t be pressured into actually liking or being aroused by someone. You either are or you are not. As an adult, if you’re a woman that is straight, you don’t get aroused at the thought of other women. The whole “pressure” thing seems to not only be a lie but also doesn’t even make sense as being gay is not a choice but a biological reality.

NP. I think there is a fair amount of pressure to label one’s self, starting around 6th to 7th grade. And LGBTQIA+ is a catch-all for a wide swath of kids who don’t fit standard molds for all kinds of reasons, many of which have little or nothing to do with arousal. At least that’s what I observed with my own teen.

So what, your 15 year old boy is calling himself gay while being attracted to girls? Your 13 year old girl is calling herself a lesbian while being attracted to boys? Or are they saying bi while only dating the opposite gender?

More like lots of 12-14 year old girls labeling themselves pan or omni or (my personal favorite for a young teen) ace, and dating no one. There’s pressure to declare, for sure.

If someone is identifying as pan or ace then later realized they weren’t, so what? If someone identifies as one of those then turns out really to be, so what? I think hand wringing over someone that’s 14 saying they’re ace is kind of silly. It’s far from an emergency.

Did I say it was an emergency? I agree with you, so what? I was responding specifically to the notion of there being pressure to identify as something—which often turns out to be in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum—among groups of young teenage girls. It’s a thing. No handwringing. Asexual is a solid plan at 13.

I have a teen daughter and she doesn’t identify as LGBT. If she did, she knows it would be fine since her parents are. But….she doesn’t. So I don’t think there’s that much pressure to claim you’re queer when you’re not.

[Anonymous]

N=1