Something feels off wwyd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD12 has been getting close with a classmate this year, and they hung out for the first time this weekend. The mom picked up from our house and took them out for the afternoon with the plan of us picking up DD from their house later. Everything seemed copacetic at pickup. The mom seemed really nice. The girl is a sweetheart; I’ve interacted with her in passing on one or more of their FaceTimes.

Later at pickup, I got weird really vibes. Not the best neighborhood but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I can’t explain it, but my intuition senses something off and I just felt the need to flee. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. Without prompt, DD later told me that the friend told her she never has friends over and DD was the first school friend to ever come over.

I would love to have the girl over our house, but I’m not comfortable with DD going over there again. How do we handle this in the event she’s invited over? Is there a tactful way to respond? I have no problem picking the girl up, or the mom taking the girls out like she did, but I don’t feel comfortable with DD going back to their house. Thoughts?

Wow that was really big of you to “give them the benefit of the doubt”. Sounds like the thing that’s pinging your radar is that the family is poor.

+100 gave them the benefit of the doubt? This really pulls out that you had made a lot of assumptions before you even left your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People judging OP for “judging”: why don’t you all live in these neighborhoods? You could save so much money on housing. It seems like a perfect financial opportunity. So why don’t you want to live there?

I do.

You live in an unsafe neighborhood and pretend and/or tell others it isn’t unsafe? Why?

I live in a lower income neighborhood, because that’s what I’m able to afford. Surely you’re familiar with that concept? That doesn’t make it unsafe for my kids to have school friends over.

The level to which OP feels she needs to clutch her pearls when at this family’s house is not an accurate indicator of whether the neighborhood is safe or not.

Lower income doesn’t always mean the same as unsafe and you know it. I live in a lower income neighborhood, too, but it’s safe here. I know of low income UNSAFE neighborhoods, too.

Yes…that was my point. That OP is incorrectly conflating “poor” with “unsafe”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People judging OP for “judging”: why don’t you all live in these neighborhoods? You could save so much money on housing. It seems like a perfect financial opportunity. So why don’t you want to live there?

Some of us do. I live in one of those neighborhoods in a 1000 square foot house. Oh the horror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. I kept my kids from having sleepovers with a certain step-grandparent based on nothing but intuition. I let them have plenty of sleepovers with other people.

My advice is to kick the can down the road a bit. If/when the next request to hang out comes, say, "Oh, she had you over last time, it's our turn to host her!"

If/when it comes up after that, then maybe say, "Oh, I have some shopping to do. Would you like me to take you guys to the mall instead?"

At this point, you'll have had more interactions and may have re-evaluated your initial reaction. If not, then you'll have a tough choice as to what to say to your daughter.

I like this idea. Invite the friend to your house or take them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. I kept my kids from having sleepovers with a certain step-grandparent based on nothing but intuition. I let them have plenty of sleepovers with other people.

My advice is to kick the can down the road a bit. If/when the next request to hang out comes, say, "Oh, she had you over last time, it's our turn to host her!"

If/when it comes up after that, then maybe say, "Oh, I have some shopping to do. Would you like me to take you guys to the mall instead?"

At this point, you'll have had more interactions and may have re-evaluated your initial reaction. If not, then you'll have a tough choice as to what to say to your daughter.

I like this idea. Invite the friend to your house or take them out.

The mom will figure it out really quickly when you refuse to let her host. Let the friendship drop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People judging OP for “judging”: why don’t you all live in these neighborhoods? You could save so much money on housing. It seems like a perfect financial opportunity. So why don’t you want to live there?

I do.

You live in an unsafe neighborhood and pretend and/or tell others it isn’t unsafe? Why?

I live in a lower income neighborhood, because that’s what I’m able to afford. Surely you’re familiar with that concept? That doesn’t make it unsafe for my kids to have school friends over.

The level to which OP feels she needs to clutch her pearls when at this family’s house is not an accurate indicator of whether the neighborhood is safe or not.

Lower income doesn’t always mean the same as unsafe and you know it. I live in a lower income neighborhood, too, but it’s safe here. I know of low income UNSAFE neighborhoods, too.

Yes…that was my point. That OP is incorrectly conflating “poor” with “unsafe”.

OP clearly said she told her husband she felt unsafe to go over there alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People judging OP for “judging”: why don’t you all live in these neighborhoods? You could save so much money on housing. It seems like a perfect financial opportunity. So why don’t you want to live there?

I do.

You live in an unsafe neighborhood and pretend and/or tell others it isn’t unsafe? Why?

I live in a lower income neighborhood, because that’s what I’m able to afford. Surely you’re familiar with that concept? That doesn’t make it unsafe for my kids to have school friends over.

The level to which OP feels she needs to clutch her pearls when at this family’s house is not an accurate indicator of whether the neighborhood is safe or not.

Lower income doesn’t always mean the same as unsafe and you know it. I live in a lower income neighborhood, too, but it’s safe here. I know of low income UNSAFE neighborhoods, too.

Yes…that was my point. That OP is incorrectly conflating “poor” with “unsafe”.

OP clearly said she told her husband she felt unsafe to go over there alone.

Again, OP feeling unsafe because it’s a poor neighborhood is not the same thing as it *actually* being unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People judging OP for “judging”: why don’t you all live in these neighborhoods? You could save so much money on housing. It seems like a perfect financial opportunity. So why don’t you want to live there?

I do.

You live in an unsafe neighborhood and pretend and/or tell others it isn’t unsafe? Why?

I live in a lower income neighborhood, because that’s what I’m able to afford. Surely you’re familiar with that concept? That doesn’t make it unsafe for my kids to have school friends over.

The level to which OP feels she needs to clutch her pearls when at this family’s house is not an accurate indicator of whether the neighborhood is safe or not.

Lower income doesn’t always mean the same as unsafe and you know it. I live in a lower income neighborhood, too, but it’s safe here. I know of low income UNSAFE neighborhoods, too.

But op said she couldn't provide examples of why it's unsafe. Were there men smoking dope or drinking liquor on the corner and cat calling? Did she hear gunfire? Were there rats running to and fro? So called low income people want what we all want: a roof over our head, food on the table and happiness.

[Anonymous]

One of my best friends in HS (back in the late 80's) lived in Anacostia in a VERY rough neighborhood. I was never allowed to hang out at their house but she was always welcome to come to mine. I get it OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my best friends in HS (back in the late 80's) lived in Anacostia in a VERY rough neighborhood. I was never allowed to hang out at their house but she was always welcome to come to mine. I get it OP.

Anacostia in the late 80's WAS unsafe!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was so ominous or “off” about the house/neighborhood?

Like I said, it’s hard to explain. I just sensed doom. I actually told DH I wasn’t comfortable going over there alone again. I can’t say what it was exactly. Just a feeling.

Oh, no. You had to step outside od your bubble. Poor you!

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you can hear this with genuine sincerity, because that is how I intend it: please get some therapy to help with your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused if it’s the neighborhood or the house/family. If your kids go to school together, don’t you live near them so should be familiar with the area?

[Anonymous]

Please don’t pass your bias onto your kid. Let them go over there if invited but also make sure you reciprocate. We are not rich but my kid is an only and we have a small SFH. We’ve got rich friends with pools and lower income friends where the kids share rooms in a Condo. I did tell my kid not to make comments about room sharing or the size of the rooms etc, but I would never stop her going.

[Anonymous]

Did you go inside the house? Were you invited?

This would definitely change the conversation.

One of my kids closest friends lives in a VERY expensive neighborhood and the house is seven times the size of my small apartment. The parents do hint that they look down on me in conversations... but when I visited...

... animal feces, molded food, a multi million dollar horror house.

Kid has not spent the night since. Go inside the house and then make a decision.