How do you navigate being the “poor” relatives

[Anonymous]

I am one of the "poor" relatives and it wasn't easy for me to navigate the relationships my "rich" siblings.
After a while, I learned that I was the problem. I was trying to prove that I didn't need their help and generosity. This made me angry and resentful.
Now I have accepted that we can't be equal. This is ok. We can be complementary and bring different things to the relationship.

The gap between us is significant. HHI is 100k and we have 2 kids. Theirs is >1M. Their lifestyle is on another level. Our kids are around the same age.
We can't afford the type of vacations they do. I would often decline when they offered to pay for us so we could go together.
I can't afford activities or summer camps for my kids. They offered to pay so all of our kids could be together, I declined. My DH felt like a loser, embarrassed.
This affected our relationship with my siblings to the point that we were avoiding them because we didn't want to feel like we were living off them.

We realized that we were the problem. Now we let them offer us everything they want. Our kids are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have really wealthy aunts & uncles on one side of the family (i.e. owns private planes). They do not associate much with my parents or their other siblings and haven’t since their weddings 30+ years ago. They definitely distance themselves.

I see this in my own family. I mean their not filthy rich (possessing private planes) but the more successful family members very much keep a distance between themselves from the less successful family members.

It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Rich people who can’t relate to those with less need humility. Less well off who can’t relate to the wealthy need to be more open minded.

People are people. I grew up the same as my siblings financially. Today our family incomes range from $140k to $5M+. We are still the same people, just with different resources. Everyone hosts but the wealthier ones might invite the less well off to their vacation homes.

We’re family. What’s mine is theirs and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

I love how you worked shaming working moms in there. Good for you! I probably have less than you but I got to see my 4 year old daughter running around telling everyone her mommy was a doctor.

+1 really not so subtle dig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

I love how you worked shaming working moms in there. Good for you! I probably have less than you but I got to see my 4 year old daughter running around telling everyone her mommy was a doctor.

I’m not shaming working moms at all. What made you think that? That I said deeply committed to being around and raising their kids? What I meant was that sometimes when people have the money to hire a lot of help, they aren’t around much. Dinners out every night, fundraisers, constant traveling without the kids, etc. Plenty of women work FT and are are deeply committed to raising their own children. They make sure they’re home most evenings for bedtime, attend the games on the weekends, host play dates, know their children’s friends, volunteer at school, etc. That’s what I’m talking about. It has nothing to do with working or not working. Or having help or not having help. It’s about valuing being around for your kids; connecting with them; showing up.

You’re not helping the SAHM/working mom divide here. You wrote deeply committed and raising kids themselves with no family help. And instead of being like oh yeah oops or sorry you act like folks don’t understand what you wrote correctly.

[Anonymous]

You must not have a good relationship now if this worries you. I could see it happening if my sister got rich, but we are not that close. But we are very close to DH’s sister and could never imagine that happening.