How do you navigate being the “poor” relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is distance and it makes me sad. They spend weekends going to her parents where they golf, play tennis, go shooting or riding. Or they do their things with their similarly wealthy friends. Or they're flying somewhere to see a new play someone is producing. Or squeezing in one last trip to Vail. Or a quick cruise. My weekends are spent at kids' sports games and cleaning up legos. While you might say some differences are due to different stages of life (kids vs DINK), my DINK life looked nothing like their DINK life so I can only imagine their life with kids will look different than my life with kids. I love my kids. I love my sibling and their partner. They just live in a world I've never been a part of. They might say they are just regular people who float in and out of a world I've never been a part of.

You will be surprised how life evens out. Are you White by any chance?

Life doesn't "even out" and race has nothing to do with it, regardless of whether you're black or white or Asian or whatever.

Rich people migrate to a world of their own. It's inevitable. They will have a charmed life. Doesn't mean there won't be ups and downs and headaches or that marriages don't fail and kids grow up to become disappointments. But the very affluent do live a different world. It is what it is and nothing to be jealous or resentful about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

You and your brother sound like great people and know what life's priorities are.

I'm the poorer relative in this family equation. My husband was killed in a car crash when my kids were young. His brother and his partner (later husband) have helped me in immeasurable ways. The first Christmas I was planning a modest (yet not quite Oliver Twist) level spending as I was not yet employed and had just moved. They showed up, proceeded by multiple Amazon deliveries and created a holiday wonderland for my children. Paid for nice groceries for Christmas dinner. Every year provided custom dollhouses, train sets, bikes, and specialty classes. Footed airfare when we came to visit them or on vacation in pleasant rental houses for beach vacations. When they had a Facetime with my son showing him his new braces, a check arrived to offset orthodontia bills. As the older ones reached college age, help with extras for them, including major support for the eldest who had a semester in Florence her junior year.

Never have they made me feel beholden or less-than. The best gay uncles on the planet. If there is a heaven where our deceased keep track of us, my late husband would be so happy to see his big brother and brother-in-law looking after his kids.

I love this. Your BIL sounds like a wonderful, caring human being. He seems to know what is needed when and does it without asking or making you ask for help. I’m sure that first xmas was hard on all of you. Stepping up to make sure it wasn’t any harder on the kids than it already was is the definition of love.

[Anonymous]

There is (I would guess, without fully knowing my siblings’ financial details) a $700k+ difference between annual income between top and lowest earners.

Nothing has really changed in our relationship. We talk every week. The family with more does try to pay for experiences for everyone, or buys plane tickets for others who may not be able to join for a family get together, but that’s kind of it. There have been moments where one sibling helps another financially, but the question of who helps who has changed over the years.

No one has private jet wealth— maybe things would change more at that level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

You and your brother sound like great people and know what life's priorities are.

I'm the poorer relative in this family equation. My husband was killed in a car crash when my kids were young. His brother and his partner (later husband) have helped me in immeasurable ways. The first Christmas I was planning a modest (yet not quite Oliver Twist) level spending as I was not yet employed and had just moved. They showed up, proceeded by multiple Amazon deliveries and created a holiday wonderland for my children. Paid for nice groceries for Christmas dinner. Every year provided custom dollhouses, train sets, bikes, and specialty classes. Footed airfare when we came to visit them or on vacation in pleasant rental houses for beach vacations. When they had a Facetime with my son showing him his new braces, a check arrived to offset orthodontia bills. As the older ones reached college age, help with extras for them, including major support for the eldest who had a semester in Florence her junior year.

Never have they made me feel beholden or less-then. The best gay uncles on the planet. If there is a heaven where our deceased keep track of us, my late husband would be so happy to see his big brother and brother-in-law looking after his kids.

That is wonderful. The time and connection are the best part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

You and your brother sound like great people and know what life's priorities are.

I'm the poorer relative in this family equation. My husband was killed in a car crash when my kids were young. His brother and his partner (later husband) have helped me in immeasurable ways. The first Christmas I was planning a modest (yet not quite Oliver Twist) level spending as I was not yet employed and had just moved. They showed up, proceeded by multiple Amazon deliveries and created a holiday wonderland for my children. Paid for nice groceries for Christmas dinner. Every year provided custom dollhouses, train sets, bikes, and specialty classes. Footed airfare when we came to visit them or on vacation in pleasant rental houses for beach vacations. When they had a Facetime with my son showing him his new braces, a check arrived to offset orthodontia bills. As the older ones reached college age, help with extras for them, including major support for the eldest who had a semester in Florence her junior year.

Never have they made me feel beholden or less-then. The best gay uncles on the planet. If there is a heaven where our deceased keep track of us, my late husband would be so happy to see his big brother and brother-in-law looking after his kids.

DCUM often makes me feel bad about the state of humanity. Thank you for sharing this story. Your BIL and his husband sound like angels on Earth.

[Anonymous]

We are definitely not poor....likely DCUM middle class, whatever that means these days!

But my sister does really well and married an investment banker with high earning potential. I often think about how the gap in our lifestyles will widen. We were never particularly close and I suspect that won't change.

[Anonymous]

A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

You and your brother sound like great people and know what life's priorities are.

I'm the poorer relative in this family equation. My husband was killed in a car crash when my kids were young. His brother and his partner (later husband) have helped me in immeasurable ways. The first Christmas I was planning a modest (yet not quite Oliver Twist) level spending as I was not yet employed and had just moved. They showed up, proceeded by multiple Amazon deliveries and created a holiday wonderland for my children. Paid for nice groceries for Christmas dinner. Every year provided custom dollhouses, train sets, bikes, and specialty classes. Footed airfare when we came to visit them or on vacation in pleasant rental houses for beach vacations. When they had a Facetime with my son showing him his new braces, a check arrived to offset orthodontia bills. As the older ones reached college age, help with extras for them, including major support for the eldest who had a semester in Florence her junior year.

Never have they made me feel beholden or less-than. The best gay uncles on the planet. If there is a heaven where our deceased keep track of us, my late husband would be so happy to see his big brother and brother-in-law looking after his kids.

'
I read this four times because it made me feel good. Thanks for sharing. And sorry for the loss of your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

I love how you worked shaming working moms in there. Good for you! I probably have less than you but I got to see my 4 year old daughter running around telling everyone her mommy was a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

WOW.

What do mean “once they have kids”? They might not have kids at all.

And “becoming a mother” is not an accomplishment (a 14 year old hs dropout can do it).

You’re 100% dependent on your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

I love how you worked shaming working moms in there. Good for you! I probably have less than you but I got to see my 4 year old daughter running around telling everyone her mommy was a doctor.

I’m not shaming working moms at all. What made you think that? That I said deeply committed to being around and raising their kids? What I meant was that sometimes when people have the money to hire a lot of help, they aren’t around much. Dinners out every night, fundraisers, constant traveling without the kids, etc. Plenty of women work FT and are are deeply committed to raising their own children. They make sure they’re home most evenings for bedtime, attend the games on the weekends, host play dates, know their children’s friends, volunteer at school, etc. That’s what I’m talking about. It has nothing to do with working or not working. Or having help or not having help. It’s about valuing being around for your kids; connecting with them; showing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

I love how you worked shaming working moms in there. Good for you! I probably have less than you but I got to see my 4 year old daughter running around telling everyone her mommy was a doctor.

I’m not shaming working moms at all. What made you think that? That I said deeply committed to being around and raising their kids? What I meant was that sometimes when people have the money to hire a lot of help, they aren’t around much. Dinners out every night, fundraisers, constant traveling without the kids, etc. Plenty of women work FT and are are deeply committed to raising their own children. They make sure they’re home most evenings for bedtime, attend the games on the weekends, host play dates, know their children’s friends, volunteer at school, etc. That’s what I’m talking about. It has nothing to do with working or not working. Or having help or not having help. It’s about valuing being around for your kids; connecting with them; showing up.

+1 I know a woman who is a doctor, room mom, highly involved in her children’s athletics and academic pursuits. That’s called committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

I love how you worked shaming working moms in there. Good for you! I probably have less than you but I got to see my 4 year old daughter running around telling everyone her mommy was a doctor.

I’m not shaming working moms at all. What made you think that? That I said deeply committed to being around and raising their kids? What I meant was that sometimes when people have the money to hire a lot of help, they aren’t around much. Dinners out every night, fundraisers, constant traveling without the kids, etc. Plenty of women work FT and are are deeply committed to raising their own children. They make sure they’re home most evenings for bedtime, attend the games on the weekends, host play dates, know their children’s friends, volunteer at school, etc. That’s what I’m talking about. It has nothing to do with working or not working. Or having help or not having help. It’s about valuing being around for your kids; connecting with them; showing up.

+1 I know a woman who is a doctor, room mom, highly involved in her children’s athletics and academic pursuits. That’s called committed.

Yes, agree completely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A $700k difference in annual income isn’t that big of a deal. I’d say having kids vs not having kids is a bigger divide.

Once these DINK people have kids they will likely be spending $60k annually on a nanny, $40k per kid for private school, a zillion activities/tutoring/lessons/sports, and hefty mortgage and home maintenance expenses. Taxes. Assuming they live in a nice area.

It’s amazing how quickly a $1M annual salary can get eaten up once you add a few kids into the mix.

And once you’re a parent, esp a mother, it sort of realigns your priorities.

I am a SAHM in a very nice neighborhood. My friends and neighbors definitely have a lot more than we do. FT housekeepers, nannies, private school, amazing vacations. Two have husbands who are picked up daily by drivers. I am drawn to moms who are deeply committed to being around and raising their kids themselves, don’t have extended families who are local, and those who aren’t from this area. These commonalities seem to outweigh the extreme differences in income.

I love how you worked shaming working moms in there. Good for you! I probably have less than you but I got to see my 4 year old daughter running around telling everyone her mommy was a doctor.

I’m not shaming working moms at all. What made you think that? That I said deeply committed to being around and raising their kids? What I meant was that sometimes when people have the money to hire a lot of help, they aren’t around much. Dinners out every night, fundraisers, constant traveling without the kids, etc. Plenty of women work FT and are are deeply committed to raising their own children. They make sure they’re home most evenings for bedtime, attend the games on the weekends, host play dates, know their children’s friends, volunteer at school, etc. That’s what I’m talking about. It has nothing to do with working or not working. Or having help or not having help. It’s about valuing being around for your kids; connecting with them; showing up.

NP. Ugh you sound insufferable. I doubt anyone is “drawn” to you!

[Anonymous]

We do things we can all afford- like a nice dinner out.

What we don’t do together: last minute trips to Greece.