How do you navigate being the “poor” relatives

[Anonymous]

If you are the least financially successful sibling, how do you navigate your relationship with your siblings and other family members? Is it ever awkward? How have you managed to have things in common while their income is drastically higher than yours?

I am worrried about this as both DH and I have high achieving siblings who either make great money or married rich or both. We are on wobblier ground financially compared to them and I realize the finals schism will only grow as we age.

Tips or thoughts?

[Anonymous]

It depends.

Are you talking Ivy League Wall Street douche bags or just GS-15 government workers.

I deal with both.

[Anonymous]

I have really wealthy aunts & uncles on one side of the family (i.e. owns private planes). They do not associate much with my parents or their other siblings and haven’t since their weddings 30+ years ago. They definitely distance themselves.

[Anonymous]

We both have jobs, we both have homes, we both like our kids, we both like standup comedy, we both keep our homes clean the same way and have the same values ... having things in common isn't hard. When we were hanging out and I found out they were getting $400 tickets to see the Broadway production of Fiddler on the Roof I just explained the story line to my niece and sang her part of the songs. I'm just happy for her that she got to experience it. I'm okay that I can't afford it. So I've never been to Hawaii, but maybe I get fancy macadamia nuts they pick up for me in the airport.

I focus on being grateful for what I have. There's always going to be someone better off AND worse off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have really wealthy aunts & uncles on one side of the family (i.e. owns private planes). They do not associate much with my parents or their other siblings and haven’t since their weddings 30+ years ago. They definitely distance themselves.

Op here. This is precisely what I am afraid of. My richer siblings distancing themselves. I’d honestly be so crushed.

[Anonymous]

Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

It sounds like a lovely sibling relationship.

[Anonymous]

I am speechless. There are a million things in common and all the familial love. There are just a few things more they can afford that I can't. But since no one pays the bills for anyone else, no one is financially beholden to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

No need to navigate anything. We are family and we all have our own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

It sounds like you are a good person. You are making it easy for him to feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Poor people can't afford navigation. Just live your life.

[Anonymous]

There is distance and it makes me sad. They spend weekends going to her parents where they golf, play tennis, go shooting or riding. Or they do their things with their similarly wealthy friends. Or they're flying somewhere to see a new play someone is producing. Or squeezing in one last trip to Vail. Or a quick cruise. My weekends are spent at kids' sports games and cleaning up legos. While you might say some differences are due to different stages of life (kids vs DINK), my DINK life looked nothing like their DINK life so I can only imagine their life with kids will look different than my life with kids. I love my kids. I love my sibling and their partner. They just live in a world I've never been a part of. They might say they are just regular people who float in and out of a world I've never been a part of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is distance and it makes me sad. They spend weekends going to her parents where they golf, play tennis, go shooting or riding. Or they do their things with their similarly wealthy friends. Or they're flying somewhere to see a new play someone is producing. Or squeezing in one last trip to Vail. Or a quick cruise. My weekends are spent at kids' sports games and cleaning up legos. While you might say some differences are due to different stages of life (kids vs DINK), my DINK life looked nothing like their DINK life so I can only imagine their life with kids will look different than my life with kids. I love my kids. I love my sibling and their partner. They just live in a world I've never been a part of. They might say they are just regular people who float in and out of a world I've never been a part of.

You will be surprised how life evens out. Are you White by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

You and your brother sound like great people and know what life's priorities are.

I'm the poorer relative in this family equation. My husband was killed in a car crash when my kids were young. His brother and his partner (later husband) have helped me in immeasurable ways. The first Christmas I was planning a modest (yet not quite Oliver Twist) level spending as I was not yet employed and had just moved. They showed up, proceeded by multiple Amazon deliveries and created a holiday wonderland for my children. Paid for nice groceries for Christmas dinner. Every year provided custom dollhouses, train sets, bikes, and specialty classes. Footed airfare when we came to visit them or on vacation in pleasant rental houses for beach vacations. When they had a Facetime with my son showing him his new braces, a check arrived to offset orthodontia bills. As the older ones reached college age, help with extras for them, including major support for the eldest who had a semester in Florence her junior year.

Never have they made me feel beholden or less-than. The best gay uncles on the planet. If there is a heaven where our deceased keep track of us, my late husband would be so happy to see his big brother and brother-in-law looking after his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Money isn’t everything. What’s the core of your relationship? My brother makes around $35K/yr with 2 kids. But he’s happy and lives within his means. He’s a good person. I live with our father. When I need a break, I ask him to come and he does. Yes I buy the the flight but so what. Our kids love each other and enjoy hanging out together. It’s important to both of us that we facilitate the cousin relationship. Some years we spend time tougher at one of our houses and sometimes I rent a beach house or a ski house. My brother is kind
And supportive. He held my hand through my divorce and keeps me sane when the kids are overwhelming me. I really hope he doesn’t feel like he has to navigate being the poor relative.

You and your brother sound like great people and know what life's priorities are.

I'm the poorer relative in this family equation. My husband was killed in a car crash when my kids were young. His brother and his partner (later husband) have helped me in immeasurable ways. The first Christmas I was planning a modest (yet not quite Oliver Twist) level spending as I was not yet employed and had just moved. They showed up, proceeded by multiple Amazon deliveries and created a holiday wonderland for my children. Paid for nice groceries for Christmas dinner. Every year provided custom dollhouses, train sets, bikes, and specialty classes. Footed airfare when we came to visit them or on vacation in pleasant rental houses for beach vacations. When they had a Facetime with my son showing him his new braces, a check arrived to offset orthodontia bills. As the older ones reached college age, help with extras for them, including major support for the eldest who had a semester in Florence her junior year.

Never have they made me feel beholden or less-than. The best gay uncles on the planet. If there is a heaven where our deceased keep track of us, my late husband would be so happy to see his big brother and brother-in-law looking after his kids.

Oh, this brings tears to my eyes. I'm so glad you have them in your life, PP.

We used to be the poor siblings, and now we're perhaps slightly better off than our siblings/cousins. But my husband's older brother helped us out tremendously when we were desperate (out of jobs, two small kids, no home): he gave us houseroom for a while, drove us to IKEA to get basic furniture, paid for it, bought us groceries, etc. He has always declined to be repaid, but we stand ready to help him if ever he needs it.