Parent doesnt drive and won't move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m about nine years ahead of you in this process and it will only get harder. My parents went into their 70s still quite robust health wise, and it’s quite a contrast from where we are now. As one PP mentioned earlier, try to come up with a plan for this together, before it becomes something you deal with in crisis mode. If mom won’t move, try to convince her to make even small modifications now to help her age in place (eg. a first floor suite that is entirely livable in the event of diminished mobility). Try to get her set up with online accounts/identity verification/POA ASAP. Write a clear set of instructions to help her manage resetting her internet if necessary. Windows and Mac also have remote access features in case you ever need to “take over” her computer to troubleshoot issues. Also, set her up with access to her medical/pharmacy portals online so you can help her manage appointments and directly view the summaries of doctor’s appointments (if she’s ok with that of course). I currently have a book on loan from the library called “If you get hit by a bus,” which is helpful for getting organized. It’s not that I ignored these things, but I wish I was more insistent on having and acting on these conversations when my parents assured me they just were fine. They were not, and it’s really tough right now.

Thank you for this advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is you and you named right there in your post: “I feel guilty when I can’t drive to her house for an errand or accompany her to a social event.”

You don’t say anything about your mom making comments or demands on you, so this is all on you. Maybe look into some counseling to unpack this response you seem to be having. Stop trying to make your mother uproot her home just to manage your anxiety and need to control things.

I didn't want to mom bash, but before I had kids she would absolutely guilt trip me for wanting to hang out with friends instead of spend my evening at a dinner party with 50 year olds when I was 25. She would explicitly call me self-centered.
Now, it's a bit harder because one of my sons plays a competitive sport and between practice, games, and tournaments my days are booked and busy, but she will say things like "if you're able to find time to check why my internet isnt working" or "I think you should go to so and so's birthday dinner since she's known you since you were young". Subtle suggestions. But as another PP mentioned, boundaries are key.

Okay, thanks for the clarification. My answer is still the same: this is a YOU problem. You control how you respond and feel. Stop feeling guilty. You can’t be there, and it doesn’t you don’t love your mother.

Mom: If you’re able to find time to check on why my internet isn’t working, that would be great.
You: Mom, let me help manage your expectations. Between Timmy’s games and Bob going on a trip and the big project at work, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. I know you can figure it out.

Mom: You really should go to Bessie’s 75th birthday party luncheon. She’s known you since you were a baby.
You: There’s too much going on with the kids right now. I can send a card. I’m sure you’ll have a great time.

You are right. I've been taking this approach more and more recently. But it's definitely a me problem of feeling bad about it. I've got to get over that because I just don't have the energy or hours in the day.

Another challenge that I had to navigate is that DH is a people pleaser so she started calling him directly to help with stuff because she knew he'd say yes. However, he is a chronic overscheduler. In the beginning he was semi-reliable, but then very quickly he became completely unreliable. One day my mom called me extremely frustrated because he said he'd give her a ride somewhere (unbeknownst to me) and he never showed up because he was working and had completely forgotten and never called to let her know that he wasn't coming. I wasn't in a position to help and she knew that, which is why she didn't initially ask me.
She also recently asked a younger coworker to help replace some ceiling lights. They claimed they were doing it out of kindness, but then went back to work and gossiped about it, which hurt my mom's feelings.

Again, yes this is all me feeling bad and I just need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well at 70, she’s not going to learn how to drive. As with everything if you can’t/won’t do it yourself, you have to outsource. You say the plumber took advantage of her. She did what needed to be done. Plumbers charge for going out on a service call. $60 doesn’t sound bad at all. If she went without Internet/tv for 2 weeks, then she made do. It sounds like it’s not what you would have done, but she made it work. Unless she called you every day asking you to fix the issue? As for getting around, it’s a good thing Uber exists. She can get to where ever she needs to without relying on family and friends.

If all this boils down to your parent wants you to be available for them and you’re not because of your other responsibilities then say that. The choice is either the parent moves closer to you or does without your help. If she’s still working, then it doesn’t sound like there are any cognitive issues. She may not like your boundaries but she will understand what you are saying. You just need to hold fast to them.

Thank you!

Yes. She definitely called everyday complaining about the issue, though recognized that I wasn't in a position to fix it.

I appreciate your emphasis regarding boundaries. That's been my approach. It just doesn't always feel good.

DP - setting boundaries rarely feels good in the moment, nor is it supposed to. It’s a longer-term approach that allows you to maintain the relationship without resentment or losing yourself entirely. You have to prioritize your well-being and that of your nuclear family. Plenty of people won’t like that, plenty of people will think it’s selfish. That doesn’t mean they’re right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well at 70, she’s not going to learn how to drive. As with everything if you can’t/won’t do it yourself, you have to outsource. You say the plumber took advantage of her. She did what needed to be done. Plumbers charge for going out on a service call. $60 doesn’t sound bad at all. If she went without Internet/tv for 2 weeks, then she made do. It sounds like it’s not what you would have done, but she made it work. Unless she called you every day asking you to fix the issue? As for getting around, it’s a good thing Uber exists. She can get to where ever she needs to without relying on family and friends.

If all this boils down to your parent wants you to be available for them and you’re not because of your other responsibilities then say that. The choice is either the parent moves closer to you or does without your help. If she’s still working, then it doesn’t sound like there are any cognitive issues. She may not like your boundaries but she will understand what you are saying. You just need to hold fast to them.

Yes. She definitely called everyday complaining about the issue, though recognized that I wasn't in a position to fix it.

I appreciate your emphasis regarding boundaries. That's been my approach. It just doesn't always feel good.

DP - setting boundaries rarely feels good in the moment, nor is it supposed to. It’s a longer-term approach that allows you to maintain the relationship without resentment or losing yourself entirely. You have to prioritize your well-being and that of your nuclear family. Plenty of people won’t like that, plenty of people will think it’s selfish. That doesn’t mean they’re right.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Op, she is competent. This is not your burden. Not your burden to act. Not your burden to figure out. We all get taken advantage of occasionally - by repair people or things we should know to do but don't. Again, your Mom is not destitute -- this burden is on her. For now. She could have / should have solved this transportation problem a long time ago. Why doesn't she drive? There are taxi companies, Uber. Op - you are sacrificing your own adult life for her. That is a not a good example to set for your children.

[Anonymous]

She sounds perfectly functional, and can order her own Lyft, OP. SHE CAN LEARN TO DO SO, since clearly she's intelligent. $60 service call is cheap. Two week wait time for Verizon is pretty good, considering she's working!

You seem a little out of it, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds perfectly functional, and can order her own Lyft, OP. SHE CAN LEARN TO DO SO, since clearly she's intelligent. $60 service call is cheap. Two week wait time for Verizon is pretty good, considering she's working!

You seem a little out of it, to be honest.

Yup. $60 for an in home visit like that is more than fair. It’s not taking advantage.

[Anonymous]

OP - You have gotten very good advice. Start with the transportation issue and train her on the best option. You can also talk budget to her about what activities she can afford to go to. Your life will only get busier and there is no need to put yourself under stress when your mothers is in good health, working and active. The time for stress will be later. Question has she ever offered to pay a friend for a ride as that might be one option if it was a regular activity. You need to set boundaries now and learn the words, “No I am not available.” Without guilt.

Do your research and find her a reliable handyman who could be set up to do some things on a cyclical basis to be sure the house keeps running. Maybe you and DH could offer to pay for certain services such as getting her on a contact with a company for heating/AC check twice a year and some also do plumbing services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - You have gotten very good advice. Start with the transportation issue and train her on the best option. You can also talk budget to her about what activities she can afford to go to. Your life will only get busier and there is no need to put yourself under stress when your mothers is in good health, working and active. The time for stress will be later. Question has she ever offered to pay a friend for a ride as that might be one option if it was a regular activity. You need to set boundaries now and learn the words, “No I am not available.” Without guilt.

Do your research and find her a reliable handyman who could be set up to do some things on a cyclical basis to be sure the house keeps running. Maybe you and DH could offer to pay for certain services such as getting her on a contact with a company for heating/AC check twice a year and some also do plumbing services.

Very good idea regarding identifying a reliable handyman. Thank you!!!

I'm not sure if she's ever offered to pay a friend for a ride. And I don't think their issue is money, it's more time. She's also been friends with them for literally 40+ years so I think many are just over it. Some also have needy adult children and grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 70 yo mom is very active and still works full time in a demanding field.
She doesn't drive and takes public transit to work and grocery shop.
However, she is very dependent on others to get HH repairs done, as well as attend social events. I'm her only child and it's becoming increasingly difficult to navigate because I live 45 minutes away, have two small children with active schedules, and both DH and I have demanding careers.
However, my mom is not handy at all and has had handymen take advantage of her for very basic tasks ie $60 to unjam the garbage disposal because I wasn't able to get to her until the next weekend and couldn't talk her through inserting the little screw to unjam it. Similarly, she's been without tv/internet for 2 weeks because she couldn't figure out how to reset the router and it took Verizon forever to come out.

Similarly, since I started driving at 16 I was her personal chauffeur. I drove and accompanied her to all social events and was usually the youngest one there. When I went away to college she started getting rides from her friends. And when I came back, it became a mix with me accompanying her places 85% of the time. It was definitely an area of contention in my 20s when I debated with her about socializing with my peers vs taking her to a mature adult function. It seems as though many of her friends (who also all live at least 20+ minutes away) are tired of giving her rides and have begun either saying no or meeting her at the nearest metro station when feasible.

Now the challenge is managing her schedule with my own and my kids and feeling guilty when I can't travel to her house to help with an errand or accompany her to one of her friends' social events.
I've been begging her to move closer to me for 10 years. Moving closer to her is not an option for at least 5 years because of DH's job.

Is anyone else in a similar boat and/or have creative advice?

This really isn't "taking advantage." It cost the handyman time and gas to go out to her house. $60 is actually very reasonable. Do you expect strangers to do these things for free?

Agreed. It costs her $30-40 each way to get into the area where her friends are, after all. For a professional to get out and back to where she is and do a simple fix? $60 is very reasonable.

OP, you have to think of this as respecting her autonomy and choices. Then the second step is talking with your husband about working as a team, boundaries, sand what is in his sphere is responsibility as well as what is in yours. It may end up that he always needs to be "busy with work" -- too busy to talk -- and refer her back to you.