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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The problem is you and you named right there in your post: “I feel guilty when I can’t drive to her house for an errand or accompany her to a social event.”

You don’t say anything about your mom making comments or demands on you, so this is all on you. Maybe look into some counseling to unpack this response you seem to be having. Stop trying to make your mother uproot her home just to manage your anxiety and need to control things. [/quote]

I didn't want to mom bash, but before I had kids she would absolutely guilt trip me for wanting to hang out with friends instead of spend my evening at a dinner party with 50 year olds when I was 25. She would explicitly call me self-centered.
Now, it's a bit harder because one of my sons plays a competitive sport and between practice, games, and tournaments my days are booked and busy, but she will say things like "if you're able to find time to check why my internet isnt working" or "I think you should go to so and so's birthday dinner since she's known you since you were young". Subtle suggestions.  But as another PP mentioned, boundaries are key.[/quote]

Okay, thanks for the clarification. My answer is still the same: this is a YOU problem. You control how you respond and feel. Stop feeling guilty. You can’t be there, and it doesn’t you don’t love your mother.

Mom: If you’re able to find time to check on why my internet isn’t working, that would be great.
You: Mom, let me help manage your expectations. Between Timmy’s games and Bob going on a trip and the big project at work, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. I know you can figure it out.

Mom: You really should go to Bessie’s 75th birthday party luncheon. She’s known you since you were a baby.
You: There’s too much going on with the kids right now. I can send a card. I’m sure you’ll have a great time. [/quote]

You are right. I've been taking this approach more and more recently. But it's definitely a me problem of feeling bad about it. I've got to get over that because I just don't have the energy or hours in the day.

Another challenge that I had to navigate is that DH is a people pleaser so she started calling him directly to help with stuff because she knew he'd say yes. However, he is a chronic overscheduler. In the beginning he was semi-reliable, but then very quickly he became completely unreliable. One day my mom called me extremely frustrated because he said he'd give her a ride somewhere (unbeknownst to me) and he never showed up because he was working and had completely forgotten and never called to let her know that he wasn't coming. I wasn't in a position to help and she knew that, which is why she didn't initially ask me.
She also recently asked a younger coworker to help replace some ceiling lights. They claimed they were doing it out of kindness, but then went back to work and gossiped about it, which hurt my mom's feelings.

Again, yes this is all me feeling bad and I just need to get over it.[/quote]

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