Parent doesnt drive and won't move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The obvious solution seems to be Uber or Lyft. What am I missing?

Ditto. Is she too cheap to pay? If she’s still working full time in a demanding job seems like she should be able to pay

Not too cheap. She makes a modest income and still has a mortgage.
Because she lives fairly far from her circle, most Ubers are.at least $30-$40 each way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding Lyft/Uber- she uses that at times, but she doesn't know how to use apps, so she can't initiate a ride on her own. Therefore, if no one is with her then she can't go to the event.

There's also the cost. She's working, but makes a modest salary. Spending $100 round trip to get to an event is quite an expense.

Gogograndparent

Check it out

If you can’t afford an event you don’t go

You sound enmeshed.

She’s 70 why are you so involved

I've never heard of that. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Figure out your boundaries and set them. I would not make her think if she moves closer to you then you will gladly continue to drive her about. You have your own responsibilities. Set your boundaries and keep them. When you feel guilty remember there are are plenty of people who do everything mom wants, she still isn't pleased and they burn out their family they created suffers. Do what you can enjoy doing. When you feel guilty remind yourself you are no help to anyone if you become burned out.

Let her learn how to use the aps. Give her a lesson and show her a youtube video. Don't enable. I agree with others that $60 is no scam. The person had to drive there and spend time doing repair.

Have her start thinking about what happens when she can no longer be independent at all.

[Anonymous]

Download uber on her phone. Train her on uber and lyft. Take a couple of rides with her so she knows how to initiate the ride on the app.

Let her live her life. All of us have things we say no to because we can't afford to go to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The obvious solution seems to be Uber or Lyft. What am I missing?

Ditto. Is she too cheap to pay? If she’s still working full time in a demanding job seems like she should be able to pay

Not too cheap. She makes a modest income and still has a mortgage.
Because she lives fairly far from her circle, most Ubers are.at least $30-$40 each way.

It's expensive to own a car too. She could live at a retirement community, make friends and be near them in the same neighborhood, but she chooses not to, so she needs to pay to see them. Your time is valuable and worth something. No need to drive yourself bonkers to save her some money.

I did the jumping through hoops for mom and burning myself out to please her feeling guilty and all of that. She didn't appreciate it and I felt so much resentment. I was getting sick all the time trying to balance things and after enough years I felt so used and she felt so entitled. I wish I had set boundaries earlier. She flipped out with me when i did and hurled insults. She tried every manipulation tool she had to get me to bend to her will-tantrum, insult, guilt trip, negative comparison to random friend's adult child (who is totally enmeshed and has no life), and more. There was no thank you for all I did prior. She eventually found other people to use and when they set boundaries she hired drivers, etc. She got herself a terrible rating on one of the aps. I can't imagine why...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Figure out your boundaries and set them. I would not make her think if she moves closer to you then you will gladly continue to drive her about[b]. You have your own responsibilities. Set your boundaries and keep them. When you feel guilty remember there are are plenty of people who do everything mom wants, she still isn't pleased and they burn out their family they created suffers. Do what you can enjoy doing. When you feel guilty remind yourself you are no help to anyone if you become burned out.

Let her learn how to use the aps. Give her a lesson and show her a youtube video. Don't enable. I agree with others that $60 is no scam. The person had to drive there and spend time doing repair.

Have her start thinking about what happens when she can no longer be independent at all.

That's a very good point! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The obvious solution seems to be Uber or Lyft. What am I missing?

Ditto. Is she too cheap to pay? If she’s still working full time in a demanding job seems like she should be able to pay

Not too cheap. She makes a modest income and still has a mortgage.
Because she lives fairly far from her circle, most Ubers are.at least $30-$40 each way.

It's expensive to own a car too. She could live at a retirement community, make friends and be near them in the same neighborhood, but she chooses not to, so she needs to pay to see them. Your time is valuable and worth something. No need to drive yourself bonkers to save her some money.

I did the jumping through hoops for mom and burning myself out to please her feeling guilty and all of that. She didn't appreciate it and I felt so much resentment. I was getting sick all the time trying to balance things and after enough years I felt so used and she felt so entitled. I wish I had set boundaries earlier. She flipped out with me when i did and hurled insults. She tried every manipulation tool she had to get me to bend to her will-tantrum, insult, guilt trip, negative comparison to random friend's adult child (who is totally enmeshed and has no life), and more. There was no thank you for all I did prior. She eventually found other people to use and when they set boundaries she hired drivers, etc. She got herself a terrible rating on one of the aps. I can't imagine why...

I'm sorry that you went through this, but thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 70 yo mom is very active and still works full time in a demanding field.
She doesn't drive and takes public transit to work and grocery shop.
However, she is very dependent on others to get HH repairs done, as well as attend social events. I'm her only child and it's becoming increasingly difficult to navigate because I live 45 minutes away, have two small children with active schedules, and both DH and I have demanding careers.
However, my mom is not handy at all and has had handymen take advantage of her for very basic tasks ie $60 to unjam the garbage disposal because I wasn't able to get to her until the next weekend and couldn't talk her through inserting the little screw to unjam it. Similarly, she's been without tv/internet for 2 weeks because she couldn't figure out how to reset the router and it took Verizon forever to come out.

Similarly, since I started driving at 16 I was her personal chauffeur. I drove and accompanied her to all social events and was usually the youngest one there. When I went away to college she started getting rides from her friends. And when I came back, it became a mix with me accompanying her places 85% of the time. It was definitely an area of contention in my 20s when I debated with her about socializing with my peers vs taking her to a mature adult function. It seems as though many of her friends (who also all live at least 20+ minutes away) are tired of giving her rides and have begun either saying no or meeting her at the nearest metro station when feasible.

Now the challenge is managing her schedule with my own and my kids and feeling guilty when I can't travel to her house to help with an errand or accompany her to one of her friends' social events.
I've been begging her to move closer to me for 10 years. Moving closer to her is not an option for at least 5 years because of DH's job.

Is anyone else in a similar boat and/or have creative advice?

This really isn't "taking advantage." It cost the handyman time and gas to go out to her house. $60 is actually very reasonable. Do you expect strangers to do these things for free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 70 yo mom is very active and still works full time in a demanding field.
She doesn't drive and takes public transit to work and grocery shop.
However, she is very dependent on others to get HH repairs done, as well as attend social events. I'm her only child and it's becoming increasingly difficult to navigate because I live 45 minutes away, have two small children with active schedules, and both DH and I have demanding careers.
However, my mom is not handy at all and has had handymen take advantage of her for very basic tasks ie $60 to unjam the garbage disposal because I wasn't able to get to her until the next weekend and couldn't talk her through inserting the little screw to unjam it. Similarly, she's been without tv/internet for 2 weeks because she couldn't figure out how to reset the router and it took Verizon forever to come out.

Similarly, since I started driving at 16 I was her personal chauffeur. I drove and accompanied her to all social events and was usually the youngest one there. When I went away to college she started getting rides from her friends. And when I came back, it became a mix with me accompanying her places 85% of the time. It was definitely an area of contention in my 20s when I debated with her about socializing with my peers vs taking her to a mature adult function. It seems as though many of her friends (who also all live at least 20+ minutes away) are tired of giving her rides and have begun either saying no or meeting her at the nearest metro station when feasible.

Now the challenge is managing her schedule with my own and my kids and feeling guilty when I can't travel to her house to help with an errand or accompany her to one of her friends' social events.
I've been begging her to move closer to me for 10 years. Moving closer to her is not an option for at least 5 years because of DH's job.

Is anyone else in a similar boat and/or have creative advice?

This really isn't "taking advantage." It cost the handyman time and gas to go out to her house. $60 is actually very reasonable. Do you expect strangers to do these things for free?

No. That's a good point. It's just hard to swallow that she has to pay to get things done that are routine. But I realize that her threshold is different.

[Anonymous]

I’m about nine years ahead of you in this process and it will only get harder. My parents went into their 70s still quite robust health wise, and it’s quite a contrast from where we are now. As one PP mentioned earlier, try to come up with a plan for this together, before it becomes something you deal with in crisis mode. If mom won’t move, try to convince her to make even small modifications now to help her age in place (eg. a first floor suite that is entirely livable in the event of diminished mobility). Try to get her set up with online accounts/identity verification/POA ASAP. Write a clear set of instructions to help her manage resetting her internet if necessary. Windows and Mac also have remote access features in case you ever need to “take over” her computer to troubleshoot issues. Also, set her up with access to her medical/pharmacy portals online so you can help her manage appointments and directly view the summaries of doctor’s appointments (if she’s ok with that of course). I currently have a book on loan from the library called “If you get hit by a bus,” which is helpful for getting organized. It’s not that I ignored these things, but I wish I was more insistent on having and acting on these conversations when my parents assured me they just were fine. They were not, and it’s really tough right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is you and you named right there in your post: “I feel guilty when I can’t drive to her house for an errand or accompany her to a social event.”

You don’t say anything about your mom making comments or demands on you, so this is all on you. Maybe look into some counseling to unpack this response you seem to be having. Stop trying to make your mother uproot her home just to manage your anxiety and need to control things.

I didn't want to mom bash, but before I had kids she would absolutely guilt trip me for wanting to hang out with friends instead of spend my evening at a dinner party with 50 year olds when I was 25. She would explicitly call me self-centered.
Now, it's a bit harder because one of my sons plays a competitive sport and between practice, games, and tournaments my days are booked and busy, but she will say things like "if you're able to find time to check why my internet isnt working" or "I think you should go to so and so's birthday dinner since she's known you since you were young". Subtle suggestions. But as another PP mentioned, boundaries are key.

She sounds like a controlling narcissist. Set those boundaries quickly.

[Anonymous]

Forty five minutes seems pretty close to me. My parents were 9000 miles away.

If she was to move closer to you, what would happen if you got a new job in another state or moved to another house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 70 yo mom is very active and still works full time in a demanding field.
She doesn't drive and takes public transit to work and grocery shop.
However, she is very dependent on others to get HH repairs done, as well as attend social events. I'm her only child and it's becoming increasingly difficult to navigate because I live 45 minutes away, have two small children with active schedules, and both DH and I have demanding careers.
However, my mom is not handy at all and has had handymen take advantage of her for very basic tasks ie $60 to unjam the garbage disposal because I wasn't able to get to her until the next weekend and couldn't talk her through inserting the little screw to unjam it. Similarly, she's been without tv/internet for 2 weeks because she couldn't figure out how to reset the router and it took Verizon forever to come out.

Similarly, since I started driving at 16 I was her personal chauffeur. I drove and accompanied her to all social events and was usually the youngest one there. When I went away to college she started getting rides from her friends. And when I came back, it became a mix with me accompanying her places 85% of the time. It was definitely an area of contention in my 20s when I debated with her about socializing with my peers vs taking her to a mature adult function. It seems as though many of her friends (who also all live at least 20+ minutes away) are tired of giving her rides and have begun either saying no or meeting her at the nearest metro station when feasible.

Now the challenge is managing her schedule with my own and my kids and feeling guilty when I can't travel to her house to help with an errand or accompany her to one of her friends' social events.
I've been begging her to move closer to me for 10 years. Moving closer to her is not an option for at least 5 years because of DH's job.

Is anyone else in a similar boat and/or have creative advice?

This really isn't "taking advantage." It cost the handyman time and gas to go out to her house. $60 is actually very reasonable. Do you expect strangers to do these things for free?

No. That's a good point. It's just hard to swallow that she has to pay to get things done that are routine. But I realize that her threshold is different.

I have many friends who pay people to do routine things that they could easily do themselves like mow the lawn or clean their houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is you and you named right there in your post: “I feel guilty when I can’t drive to her house for an errand or accompany her to a social event.”

You don’t say anything about your mom making comments or demands on you, so this is all on you. Maybe look into some counseling to unpack this response you seem to be having. Stop trying to make your mother uproot her home just to manage your anxiety and need to control things.

I didn't want to mom bash, but before I had kids she would absolutely guilt trip me for wanting to hang out with friends instead of spend my evening at a dinner party with 50 year olds when I was 25. She would explicitly call me self-centered.
Now, it's a bit harder because one of my sons plays a competitive sport and between practice, games, and tournaments my days are booked and busy, but she will say things like "if you're able to find time to check why my internet isnt working" or "I think you should go to so and so's birthday dinner since she's known you since you were young". Subtle suggestions. But as another PP mentioned, boundaries are key.

Okay, thanks for the clarification. My answer is still the same: this is a YOU problem. You control how you respond and feel. Stop feeling guilty. You can’t be there, and it doesn’t you don’t love your mother.

Mom: If you’re able to find time to check on why my internet isn’t working, that would be great.
You: Mom, let me help manage your expectations. Between Timmy’s games and Bob going on a trip and the big project at work, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon. I know you can figure it out.

Mom: You really should go to Bessie’s 75th birthday party luncheon. She’s known you since you were a baby.
You: There’s too much going on with the kids right now. I can send a card. I’m sure you’ll have a great time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well at 70, she’s not going to learn how to drive. As with everything if you can’t/won’t do it yourself, you have to outsource. You say the plumber took advantage of her. She did what needed to be done. Plumbers charge for going out on a service call. $60 doesn’t sound bad at all. If she went without Internet/tv for 2 weeks, then she made do. It sounds like it’s not what you would have done, but she made it work. Unless she called you every day asking you to fix the issue? As for getting around, it’s a good thing Uber exists. She can get to where ever she needs to without relying on family and friends.

If all this boils down to your parent wants you to be available for them and you’re not because of your other responsibilities then say that. The choice is either the parent moves closer to you or does without your help. If she’s still working, then it doesn’t sound like there are any cognitive issues. She may not like your boundaries but she will understand what you are saying. You just need to hold fast to them.

Yes. She definitely called everyday complaining about the issue, though recognized that I wasn't in a position to fix it.

I appreciate your emphasis regarding boundaries. That's been my approach. It just doesn't always feel good.

DP - setting boundaries rarely feels good in the moment, nor is it supposed to. It’s a longer-term approach that allows you to maintain the relationship without resentment or losing yourself entirely. You have to prioritize your well-being and that of your nuclear family. Plenty of people won’t like that, plenty of people will think it’s selfish. That doesn’t mean they’re right.