Parent doesnt drive and won't move

[Anonymous]

My 70 yo mom is very active and still works full time in a demanding field.
She doesn't drive and takes public transit to work and grocery shop.
However, she is very dependent on others to get HH repairs done, as well as attend social events. I'm her only child and it's becoming increasingly difficult to navigate because I live 45 minutes away, have two small children with active schedules, and both DH and I have demanding careers.
However, my mom is not handy at all and has had handymen take advantage of her for very basic tasks ie $60 to unjam the garbage disposal because I wasn't able to get to her until the next weekend and couldn't talk her through inserting the little screw to unjam it. Similarly, she's been without tv/internet for 2 weeks because she couldn't figure out how to reset the router and it took Verizon forever to come out.

Similarly, since I started driving at 16 I was her personal chauffeur. I drove and accompanied her to all social events and was usually the youngest one there. When I went away to college she started getting rides from her friends. And when I came back, it became a mix with me accompanying her places 85% of the time. It was definitely an area of contention in my 20s when I debated with her about socializing with my peers vs taking her to a mature adult function. It seems as though many of her friends (who also all live at least 20+ minutes away) are tired of giving her rides and have begun either saying no or meeting her at the nearest metro station when feasible.

Now the challenge is managing her schedule with my own and my kids and feeling guilty when I can't travel to her house to help with an errand or accompany her to one of her friends' social events.
I've been begging her to move closer to me for 10 years. Moving closer to her is not an option for at least 5 years because of DH's job.

Is anyone else in a similar boat and/or have creative advice?

[Anonymous]

The obvious solution seems to be Uber or Lyft. What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

Well at 70, she’s not going to learn how to drive. As with everything if you can’t/won’t do it yourself, you have to outsource. You say the plumber took advantage of her. She did what needed to be done. Plumbers charge for going out on a service call. $60 doesn’t sound bad at all. If she went without Internet/tv for 2 weeks, then she made do. It sounds like it’s not what you would have done, but she made it work. Unless she called you every day asking you to fix the issue? As for getting around, it’s a good thing Uber exists. She can get to where ever she needs to without relying on family and friends.

If all this boils down to your parent wants you to be available for them and you’re not because of your other responsibilities then say that. The choice is either the parent moves closer to you or does without your help. If she’s still working, then it doesn’t sound like there are any cognitive issues. She may not like your boundaries but she will understand what you are saying. You just need to hold fast to them.

[Anonymous]

The examples (disposal, internet) wouldn't have been solved by driving.

I get that you want to help her but honestly 45 mins away is pretty good in this area. And a $60 service call is normal not a scam. If she can live independently (with Lyft) you maybe need to disentangle yourself and let her.

[Anonymous]

Set some boundaries, OP. She is making her own choices of sound mind, she can figure out how to solve her own problems. She is not your child. You have your own family to look after and plenty of other responsibilities. Explain to her that driving her around is preventing your from your parenting duties and that she needs to find someone else to rely on for this. Ask her if she wants suggestions.

This sounds like an absurd situation for a long time and that she has taken advantage of your good will and dutiful nature.

[Anonymous]

She seems to manage just fine. She's working, active, and has friends. If she can afford $60 that's not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set some boundaries, OP. She is making her own choices of sound mind, she can figure out how to solve her own problems. She is not your child. You have your own family to look after and plenty of other responsibilities. Explain to her that driving her around is preventing your from your parenting duties and that she needs to find someone else to rely on for this. Ask her if she wants suggestions.

This sounds like an absurd situation for a long time and that she has taken advantage of your good will and dutiful nature.

+1

She’s an adult, OP. She’s made her decisions and she can live with them. You don’t owe her.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop being so accommodating. If she can use public transit she can call a cab or Uber. Also, $60 doesn’t sound unreasonable for someone to show up at her house, even though the fix was easy. She can move closer to you or get used to paying for services instead of getting her child to do it for free.

[Anonymous]

The problem is you and you named right there in your post: “I feel guilty when I can’t drive to her house for an errand or accompany her to a social event.”

You don’t say anything about your mom making comments or demands on you, so this is all on you. Maybe look into some counseling to unpack this response you seem to be having. Stop trying to make your mother uproot her home just to manage your anxiety and need to control things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The obvious solution seems to be Uber or Lyft. What am I missing?

Ditto. Is she too cheap to pay? If she’s still working full time in a demanding job seems like she should be able to pay

[Anonymous]

Regarding Lyft/Uber- she uses that at times, but she doesn't know how to use apps, so she can't initiate a ride on her own. Therefore, if no one is with her then she can't go to the event.

There's also the cost. She's working, but makes a modest salary. Spending $100 round trip to get to an event is quite an expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding Lyft/Uber- she uses that at times, but she doesn't know how to use apps, so she can't initiate a ride on her own. Therefore, if no one is with her then she can't go to the event.

There's also the cost. She's working, but makes a modest salary. Spending $100 round trip to get to an event is quite an expense.

Gogograndparent

Check it out

If you can’t afford an event you don’t go

You sound enmeshed.

She’s 70 why are you so involved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding Lyft/Uber- she uses that at times, but she doesn't know how to use apps, so she can't initiate a ride on her own. Therefore, if no one is with her then she can't go to the event.

There's also the cost. She's working, but makes a modest salary. Spending $100 round trip to get to an event is quite an expense.

It’s cheaper than owning a car, and you can arrange the rides for her without actually being there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well at 70, she’s not going to learn how to drive. As with everything if you can’t/won’t do it yourself, you have to outsource. You say the plumber took advantage of her. She did what needed to be done. Plumbers charge for going out on a service call. $60 doesn’t sound bad at all. If she went without Internet/tv for 2 weeks, then she made do. It sounds like it’s not what you would have done, but she made it work. Unless she called you every day asking you to fix the issue? As for getting around, it’s a good thing Uber exists. She can get to where ever she needs to without relying on family and friends.

If all this boils down to your parent wants you to be available for them and you’re not because of your other responsibilities then say that. The choice is either the parent moves closer to you or does without your help. If she’s still working, then it doesn’t sound like there are any cognitive issues. She may not like your boundaries but she will understand what you are saying. You just need to hold fast to them.

Yes. She definitely called everyday complaining about the issue, though recognized that I wasn't in a position to fix it.

I appreciate your emphasis regarding boundaries. That's been my approach. It just doesn't always feel good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is you and you named right there in your post: “I feel guilty when I can’t drive to her house for an errand or accompany her to a social event.”

You don’t say anything about your mom making comments or demands on you, so this is all on you. Maybe look into some counseling to unpack this response you seem to be having. Stop trying to make your mother uproot her home just to manage your anxiety and need to control things.

I didn't want to mom bash, but before I had kids she would absolutely guilt trip me for wanting to hang out with friends instead of spend my evening at a dinner party with 50 year olds when I was 25. She would explicitly call me self-centered.
Now, it's a bit harder because one of my sons plays a competitive sport and between practice, games, and tournaments my days are booked and busy, but she will say things like "if you're able to find time to check why my internet isnt working" or "I think you should go to so and so's birthday dinner since she's known you since you were young". Subtle suggestions. But as another PP mentioned, boundaries are key.