Who takes care of elderly, non-local parents?
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Anonymous
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Sorry to be cold but their care is their own responsibility. *If* you want to, you could agree to coordinating their care, using their money. Him being the executor is neither here nor there unless they are not currently in control of their own finances.
I would tell your brother (1) that you disagree that you're responsible but (2) as your parents are still healthy, now is an excellent time to discuss with them what their wishes and plans are, and you'll let him know when the family zoom call is. Then approach it with your parents however you see fit. Discussing this now is smart. But your bro sounds like an ahole and if they've recently discussed their estate with him maybe they will be difficult too. Stick to your boundaries. |
Anonymous
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Our parents moved into a senior living community. They are in independent living and have the option of moving to assisted living if need be.
They're fully independent now but need some help managing medical appointments. We hired someone who goes to appointments with them now. I'm one of 3 siblings and we'll most likely end up splitting things (one will do medical, one financial, etc). None of us live close. |
Anonymous
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One benefit of hiring a case manager and people to go to appointments is they can be more objective. If you don't get along with a sibling, it helps to have an outside person sharing info. For me I could not take the gaslighting and it helped when an expert observed the same things.
I think there are checks on executors and strict guidelines. I would find out about that. I don't think he can just rob the estate if you pay attention. I have an incredibly challenging sibling and I suggest staying polite and professional. When needed put things in witting, but I do not agree with the suggestions of telling him off. Just find out your parent's expectations and let everyone know calmly and respectfully what you can and cannot do. My parent threw tantrums and tried to gang up with sibling, but I remained calm and firm. |
Anonymous
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Dear Bro,
That’s nice. Mom and Dad, is this true? We should talk so that we’re all on the same page. Love, Larla Cc: Mom and Dad |
Anonymous
Pretty much this. I might avoid "is this true?" as though you think he's not just a self-serving weasel, but a liar. "Glad we're getting things arranged long before there's any particular urgency. We should have some conversations about exactly who is doing exactly what and what the backup plans are if/when someone's circumstances change. Love, Larla cc: Mom and Dad" |
Anonymous
Male nurse for stroke victim, 24-7, runs around $125,000/year. |
Anonymous
OP, lots of good insights shared here, including these by this PP. OP, is there any chance that your parents proposed/agreed to this? I'm assuming your DD here, but may be mistaken. Some parents have very traditional roles on caregiving, expecting the daughter(s) to handle the caregiving and the son(s) to handle the finances (possibly because they also think they will get better care if handled by a woman). If this were me, I would suss this out in an open-ended convo with your parents BEFORE I delved into specifics with your brother. This is not to mean that you will then be the caregiver because that is their expectation, but that you are better prepared in how you want so shape your response and draw your boundaries. You do NOT want to be gobsmacked in a Zoom call without doing organizing work prior. And while it might not feel that way, this is also just a great opening to better understand your parents' finances, their expectations on how they will live in their later years, etc. Maybe they are already anticipating moving to a CCRC in some years when they can still reside in independent living. Or maybe their plan is to be carried out of their home at the very end. Having a read on the finances is super helpful. My parents didn't have much, but it also helped my siblings and me when we had to face hard decisions and know our limited options. DH's parents are substantially more wealthy but have spent a lot of money that may be needed in their later years. OP, good luck to you - report back! |
Anonymous
This is real. This happened in my family recently with a family member in Florida and executor in Canada. It was a no-go and a Florida resident had to be found. |
Anonymous
Agree 10000% |
Anonymous
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You research a or a few over 55 community with independent living, assisted living and a nursing home.
At some point, you visit your parents and tour it. You tell them when they can't manage the house anymore this is where they are moving. When the time comes you hire movers to move them and hire a real estate agent to sell their house. |
Anonymous
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If your parents are only in their early 60s, are they really interested in getting into specifics about end of life care at this point? It could,due more than 20 years before they are in need of any care.
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Anonymous
You tell him no. As the executer and POA, he is responsible and he needs to figure it out. My sibling tried that mess. I was helping and they did it behind my back. I no longer help. He can arrange for them to move to him or hire caretakers. |
Anonymous
+1. NC requires a co-executor that lives in state if the person named lives out of state. I'm sure this is true elsewhere too. |
Anonymous
| My mother seems to think of the POA, medical proxy, and executor as some sort of honor that needs to be bestowed on my brother. Then, on the side, she'll tell me "don't worry, he'll 'let' you do everything anyway." Um, no thanks. Brother is a narcissistic opioid addict with no moral compass whatsoever. He's sucked as much as he could from my parents during their lifetime, and I would expect him to continue in that fashion unless he predeceases my mother. In the car after the funeral, he turned to her and told her "now it's time for you to take care of me." He proceeded to move in with her, with her footing all the bills, including his Netflix. It's not as if he does anything to earn his keep either. She also has the privilege of cooking and cleaning for him and his new wife (imported from Asia after meeting on Facebook, not sure if she knew what she was getting into). When something needs repairing, my mother has to call a repairman, etc. |
Anonymous
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It does not matter if your parents said that or not. You talk to your parents and make clear your own boundaries. Then you open it up to your brother. If it's a functional family this will go find. If it isn't expect plenty of dramatics and your parents and brother teaming up against you. Expect words like "selfish" to be used to try to verbally beat you into submission.
You just calmly and politely reiterate your boundaries which are subject to change to being even more tight if you have your own family emergencies in the family you created. (Happens often). You give them some options. If they decline and bury their heads in the sands, you mention your concerns so when the shit hits the fan you don't feel guilty that you cannot swoop in and make everything right. You have to respect their rights to make their own poor decisions. You don't have to rescue them from their own poor decisions. You set your boundaries and when the crisis hits you figure out what you can handle. It would be good to already be in therapy at the time so you have someone to help keep you grounded and to help you see clearly. |