Who takes care of elderly, non-local parents?

[Anonymous]

I barely speak to my brother, but out of the blue he sent me an email a few weeks ago to inform me that our parents have selected them as his executer, but that I will be expected to take care of them as they age because he's overseas and I "have nothing else to do." Logical enough, sure, but I live across the country from them as well and have no plans to move near them because of DH's job.

Our parents are healthy (to the extent they are building a hobby homestead just for something to do - the chickens arrive today), but he got me thinking. What happens in these kinds of situations?

[Anonymous]

You "will be expected" by whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You "will be expected" by whom?

Him.

[Anonymous]

Hired caregivers that you manage from afar, that's who. But you will also have to visit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "will be expected" by whom?

Him.

I mean, that’s nice and all, but pretty meaningless in the end. The executor just manages the estate after someone passes away. It’s really irrelevant to what happens while your parents are alive. How old are they? Have they drawn up any POA documents, living wills, health care proxies? Have they made plans for the time when they need outside care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You "will be expected" by whom?

Him.

Who is he, the Queen of Sheba?

[Anonymous]

Paid caregivers if you live across the country.

Current price in Maryland is running $30 per hour. You can do the math on staffing 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
Do they have the monies to pay for this?

[Anonymous]

He's not the boss of you.

[Anonymous]

Eventually your parents may move closer to you. My parents made that difficult choice around 80 when they were still independent but could see the writing on the wall.

[Anonymous]

Either one of you could manage it from afar with paid caregivers and a geriatric case manager. It is easier if your parents are willing to move closer when they need more help. If they haven't created medical and financial powers of attorney where you are the backup if they can't take care of each other, they should see a lawyer to do that asap. Your brother sounds like a jerk and you should definitely get your own legal advice when your parents die to make sure he is providing all the required accounting and following their will correctly.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to get off his ass and arrange care and legal documentation.

[Anonymous]

The problem, we move frequently. I'm not sure older parents can keep moving to stay near us? This is all a very new realization.

And yes, I am aware my brother does not make a trustworthy executer.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked your parents about their own plans? There are a ton of different ways of managing this issue depending on their desires and available funds.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your brother because you and your family move frequently there are some issues with you taking on this project.

Does your brother live permanently overseas?

Some states prevent you from being an executor or personal representative unless you are a resident of the state.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s surprising that it just occurred to you this will need to be sorted out. You should talk to your parents about what they have planned, what they envision, etc., not go through your brother.