Who takes care of elderly, non-local parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your brother because you and your family move frequently there are some issues with you taking on this project.

Does your brother live permanently overseas?

Some states prevent you from being an executor or personal representative unless you are a resident of the state.

I’ve never heard that. It does not sound correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s surprising that it just occurred to you this will need to be sorted out. You should talk to your parents about what they have planned, what they envision, etc., not go through your brother.

+1. And ideally, they should be communicating the same information to both of you, so all four of you are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your brother because you and your family move frequently there are some issues with you taking on this project.

Does your brother live permanently overseas?

Some states prevent you from being an executor or personal representative unless you are a resident of the state.

I’ve never heard that. It does not sound correct.

Dp. Apparently you can be an out-of-state executor, but some states have added requirements if you’re not a resident. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/restrictions-out-state-executors.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s surprising that it just occurred to you this will need to be sorted out. You should talk to your parents about what they have planned, what they envision, etc., not go through your brother.

+1. And ideally, they should be communicating the same information to both of you, so all four of you are on the same page.

I would tell him that you will be discussing the matter with your parents at a mutually convenient time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell your brother because you and your family move frequently there are some issues with you taking on this project.

Does your brother live permanently overseas?

Some states prevent you from being an executor or personal representative unless you are a resident of the state.

He's military and a legal resident of the state in which they live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s surprising that it just occurred to you this will need to be sorted out. You should talk to your parents about what they have planned, what they envision, etc., not go through your brother.

They're in their early 60's. Seemed really soon.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t worry too much about this right now. It could be snother 10 or 20 years before they need help, and you and your brother may be in a different place then.

[Anonymous]

I'd reply: You're not the boss of me.

Seriously though, I'm not cool with him giving you orders (with a helping of "you have nothing better to do"). You need to talk to your parents: hey mom and dad, bro just sent me this email--can we chat? That's a perfect opening to broaching the topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd reply: You're not the boss of me.

Seriously though, I'm not cool with him giving you orders (with a helping of "you have nothing better to do"). You need to talk to your parents: hey mom and dad, bro just sent me this email--can we chat? That's a perfect opening to broaching the topic.

This, use the opportunity to explore their thoughts before there is a need. See what they envision. Of course, that can change based on circumstances, but starting the conversation is a good idea.

Also find out their wishes for end of life care. At what point do they want, or not want, intervention. If you are part of those decisions, make sure you have that paperwork, in an email, in case you ever need it so you can be an advocate for their wishes.

[Anonymous]

You may want to talk to your parents about how they arrived at the decision to appoint your brother as executor. Was he at all involved in the decision making process?

I ask because I watched a situation in my extended family where one sibling got herself appointed as executor and proceeded to lock the other siblings out of the house when the parent died. She then sold lots of personal property for cash, including cars, and pocketing for herself much the cash. She has still not given her siblings any kind of accounting for the estate as a whole.

Her siblings and most of the rest of the family won’t talk to her anymore because she has shown herself to be a thief.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t worry about it too much now. Health issues and all sorts of things that needed addressing started happening for our parents when they hit mid 70s. They aren’t local and don’t want to move. Managing care means calling and arranging things from afar and flying there when we can.

[Anonymous]

I would figure out your boundaries and set them. You can hire a case manager to coordinate all care. They need to agree to this as they will be funding it! I would make sure it's in writing and your brother has to follow through if he is made financial POA.

You can visit to check on things, but nobody but you decides how much you can do.

The job of executor stinks. I would be thrilled to give it to a sibling. Establish how often he will keep you updated in writing now. He can pay himself a little for his services and honestly anyone who does the job deserves it. I would make sure when the time comes he gives monthly updates or at least every other month.

You do need to sort this out. Not everyone finds that health issues don't kit until later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would figure out your boundaries and set them. You can hire a case manager to coordinate all care. They need to agree to this as they will be funding it! I would make sure it's in writing and your brother has to follow through if he is made financial POA.

You can visit to check on things, but nobody but you decides how much you can do.

The job of executor stinks. I would be thrilled to give it to a sibling. Establish how often he will keep you updated in writing now. He can pay himself a little for his services and honestly anyone who does the job deserves it. I would make sure when the time comes he gives monthly updates or at least every other month.

You do need to sort this out. Not everyone finds that health issues don't kit until later.

The kind of people that are trying to take advantage of their siblings don’t care that the job of executor stinks because they’re not doing it properly anyway. They’re not updating the other beneficiaries every month, or even every other month, they’re not keeping good records, they’re not keeping the probate court informed of what they’re doing. They are getting as much as they can from the estate for themselves in such a way that the other beneficiaries won’t be able to track what they’re doing.

[Anonymous]

You use their money to hire help.

[Anonymous]

Translation: I will get their money you will do their elder care.