WWYD if your go-to friend was kind of snappy with you?

[Anonymous]

https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/borderline-personality-disorder-maintaining-friendships.html

[Anonymous]

Any of this resonnate, OP?

https://www.soberish.co/bpd-friendship-cycle/

You have a choice as to whether or not to continue the friendship or to step it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

Last night, I was hosting a dinner party. She knew this and kept calling me. I answered her right before and said I had to go as guests were arriving. After an hour, she had texted me over 30 times and called me 4. I had ignored them all, mainly because I was busy and not next to my phone. The boundary was “I have people coming over and I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. Not sure why I have to keep telling her that. If my friend was hosting a bunch of guests, I wouldn’t keep texting because it would be understood that they aren’t going to be available.

When she texted you in the morning you had the perfect opportunity to communicate the issue (generally and from the dinner party) and to tell her you needed space and to step back from the friendship. Instead you said okay, which is just a non answer and now you are spending time wondering why she isn’t texting you? You both sound like drama.

I don’t think she’s wondering why the friend isn’t texting. I think she’s wondering what the DCUM posters suffering from anxiety would do next in her friend’s shoes. I think she’s trying to get a feel for if the relationship is over or if this is the calm before the storm. Also, the less anxious posters are validating by saying friends shouldn’t be using friends as therapists. She’s probably trying to prepare herself for whatever might come next.

I get that some people aren’t good at social cues, but this friend trampled all over hints, then danced across that boundary set about the dinner party. If OP wants to spell it out and invite an argument, that’s fine, her choice. It won’t fix things, but if that’s what she wants to try, good on her. But if she wants to go cold and give responses with less than 5 words until her “friend” finally finds a new target for her issues, that also reasonable. The friend knows what happened. She was there. If she doesn’t have a decent enough grasp on reality to know why 30 texts and 4 calls in an hour during a dinner party are inappropriate, chances are she won’t take too kindly to any reasonable explanation OP can offer about boundaries or phone etiquette. Friend needs help, OP isn’t her therapist.

OP here,
And just like that she's back. Texted me this morning about getting together for lunch. I told her that I am busy this week and would let her know when I know my schedule for next week.

Why? You’re clearly over her, understandably so. If you keep any connection with her “and just like that” she’ll be back…again and again. Not respecting boundaries. Again and again. She’s clearly not capable.

Unless you tell her point blank you can’t handle her neediness and you are not a therapist and you need a break, then don’t come whining when she’s “back.” Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP and DCUM are being jerks. Support your friend. Don’t play games with her. OP is being cagey and fake to a so called “friend”. Either be upfront and honest to your friend directly or else they are not your friend and you should let them know.

If OP said she was dating some guy and he was calling and texting incessantly when she said she was taking the night to host some friends, you would be saying he’s controlling/manipulative/acting like a stalker, and asking why OP isn’t breaking up with him. Why are you giving this friend a pass when she is a boundary-stomping stalker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I'm the friend who is being "snappy". My friend is constantly dumping all of her issues on me and I finally (with DCUM's help) ignored her while I was having a gathering at my home. She kept texting and calling and I didn't reply. At the end of the night, before I went to bed I simply replied a 3 word response. She seemed to be trying to bait me into an argument.

At the end of it, this morning she texted again and said that she was simply looking for validation and I was being cold. I said "okay". Now she hasn't texted all day.

I asked you all the WWYD because I was thinking that maybe her default is to just ghost me... which at this point might not be the worst thing.

I had a longtime friend like you. I permanently ghosted her.

I couldn't tolerate her childish passive aggressive behavior. If you don't want to continue discussing a topic, put your big girl pants on and freaking say so. But no, you say nothing, get pissy and passive aggressive. Bye Felicia.

[Anonymous]

Op again,

PP, this friend is a person who needs a lot of validation and space to vent/ruminate. In the past, I have tried to help her and she has gotten mad. So when she is worked up and in a tizzy, I simply validate her feelings and listen. During the game night, she kept texting and kept escalating like she was trying to bait an argument. That's why after all her many ranting texts, I just said "Okay". There was nothing that I was going to say that was going to deescalate the situation and she was not being reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a friend that you are always going to with your anxiety, concerns and problems starts getting a little snappy and withdrawn, what would you do?

Take the hint and stop dumping on your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I'm the friend who is being "snappy". My friend is constantly dumping all of her issues on me and I finally (with DCUM's help) ignored her while I was having a gathering at my home. She kept texting and calling and I didn't reply. At the end of the night, before I went to bed I simply replied a 3 word response. She seemed to be trying to bait me into an argument.

At the end of it, this morning she texted again and said that she was simply looking for validation and I was being cold. I said "okay". Now she hasn't texted all day.

I asked you all the WWYD because I was thinking that maybe her default is to just ghost me... which at this point might not be the worst thing.

Why not be honest with her. Tell her you you feel like she only dumps her problems on you And treats you more like a therapist than a friend.

Yeah, you're suggesting that she's "ghosting" you, because she took the hint and stopped texting you. But you're the one ghosting. There are lots of ways to tell a friend that you just don't have the bandwidth to process her issues right now, which is more mature.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing in the moment, op. Now you need to be direct the next time you guys interact. After that, continue to draw healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing in the moment, op. Now you need to be direct the next time you guys interact. After that, continue to draw healthy boundaries.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would be more understanding OP. You seem harsh and mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again,

PP, this friend is a person who needs a lot of validation and space to vent/ruminate. In the past, I have tried to help her and she has gotten mad. So when she is worked up and in a tizzy, I simply validate her feelings and listen. During the game night, she kept texting and kept escalating like she was trying to bait an argument. That's why after all her many ranting texts, I just said "Okay". There was nothing that I was going to say that was going to deescalate the situation and she was not being reasonable.

You did the right thing. Your “friend” was probing you to see if you were going to prioritize her and her issues over the 12 guests you told her you were hosting. You made your choice and she clearly had a hard time with it.

If her mom or kid was dying at the time, I’d say you were being cold. Any other circumstance - absolutely not.

I know this personality type and “gray rock” is honestly the only way to handle things when they start getting wrapped up in their own head. Sounds harsh but you gain nothing by engaging when they’re on a roll like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She texted you 30 times? Saying what?

That's nuts. But it's not surprising that she invited you to lunch after your snappy response. Your response was vague so she doesn't know where she stands. The invite is to test the waters with you. If you continue to be vague and snappy, maybe she'll get the hint and back away. But, having been on the receiving end of such texts, it would be preferable for you to just be honest and clear with her.

She sent a few texts saying “hey I know you’re busy but I have a question” then “please message me back!” Then “can you call me?” Then “I’m gonna call you again in 5 mins”, etc.

Everyone saying I’m being vague and cagey… I’m not. I told this person I had 12 people coming over and she wouldn’t even back off to give me the space to have a dinner party/game night.

This would disturb me to the point of fading away from this person permanently.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't think this friendship is tenable. I had a needy friend like this once, who leaned on me for all her emotional support. It was very one sided. The moment I started to draw my boundaries, she began to get resentful, and eventually our friendship died.

You cannot be sucked dry by someone who does not respect your limits. Tell her you need a break or whatever you feel comfortable doing, but she's not your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be more understanding OP. You seem harsh and mean.

Translation: “I am a people-pleasing doormat, OP, and you should be, too.” Nope. Would you seriously encourage your daughter to “be more understanding” of a boyfriend who incessantly texted/called when she had plans with friends? Hmm? Or would you rightly tell her that he was controlling, manipulative and gearing up to be abusive? Why are you acting like this is OK just because it’s two women in the dynamic?