WWYD if your go-to friend was kind of snappy with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

Last night, I was hosting a dinner party. She knew this and kept calling me. I answered her right before and said I had to go as guests were arriving. After an hour, she had texted me over 30 times and called me 4. I had ignored them all, mainly because I was busy and not next to my phone. The boundary was “I have people coming over and I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. Not sure why I have to keep telling her that. If my friend was hosting a bunch of guests, I wouldn’t keep texting because it would be understood that they aren’t going to be available.

When she texted you in the morning you had the perfect opportunity to communicate the issue (generally and from the dinner party) and to tell her you needed space and to step back from the friendship. Instead you said okay, which is just a non answer and now you are spending time wondering why she isn’t texting you? You both sound like drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a friend that you are always going to with your anxiety, concerns and problems starts getting a little snappy and withdrawn, what would you do?

I’d get therapy to stop doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

Last night, I was hosting a dinner party. She knew this and kept calling me. I answered her right before and said I had to go as guests were arriving. After an hour, she had texted me over 30 times and called me 4. I had ignored them all, mainly because I was busy and not next to my phone. The boundary was “I have people coming over and I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. Not sure why I have to keep telling her that. If my friend was hosting a bunch of guests, I wouldn’t keep texting because it would be understood that they aren’t going to be available.

Oh, forget this. Life is too short. Focus on your friends who aren’t using you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

Last night, I was hosting a dinner party. She knew this and kept calling me. I answered her right before and said I had to go as guests were arriving. After an hour, she had texted me over 30 times and called me 4. I had ignored them all, mainly because I was busy and not next to my phone. The boundary was “I have people coming over and I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. Not sure why I have to keep telling her that. If my friend was hosting a bunch of guests, I wouldn’t keep texting because it would be understood that they aren’t going to be available.

When she texted you in the morning you had the perfect opportunity to communicate the issue (generally and from the dinner party) and to tell her you needed space and to step back from the friendship. Instead you said okay, which is just a non answer and now you are spending time wondering why she isn’t texting you? You both sound like drama.

I don’t think she’s wondering why the friend isn’t texting. I think she’s wondering what the DCUM posters suffering from anxiety would do next in her friend’s shoes. I think she’s trying to get a feel for if the relationship is over or if this is the calm before the storm. Also, the less anxious posters are validating by saying friends shouldn’t be using friends as therapists. She’s probably trying to prepare herself for whatever might come next.

I get that some people aren’t good at social cues, but this friend trampled all over hints, then danced across that boundary set about the dinner party. If OP wants to spell it out and invite an argument, that’s fine, her choice. It won’t fix things, but if that’s what she wants to try, good on her. But if she wants to go cold and give responses with less than 5 words until her “friend” finally finds a new target for her issues, that also reasonable. The friend knows what happened. She was there. If she doesn’t have a decent enough grasp on reality to know why 30 texts and 4 calls in an hour during a dinner party are inappropriate, chances are she won’t take too kindly to any reasonable explanation OP can offer about boundaries or phone etiquette. Friend needs help, OP isn’t her therapist.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I would gently suggest she get a therapist, that you clearly can't support her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here:

Last night, I was hosting a dinner party. She knew this and kept calling me. I answered her right before and said I had to go as guests were arriving. After an hour, she had texted me over 30 times and called me 4. I had ignored them all, mainly because I was busy and not next to my phone. The boundary was “I have people coming over and I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. Not sure why I have to keep telling her that. If my friend was hosting a bunch of guests, I wouldn’t keep texting because it would be understood that they aren’t going to be available.

When she texted you in the morning you had the perfect opportunity to communicate the issue (generally and from the dinner party) and to tell her you needed space and to step back from the friendship. Instead you said okay, which is just a non answer and now you are spending time wondering why she isn’t texting you? You both sound like drama.

I don’t think she’s wondering why the friend isn’t texting. I think she’s wondering what the DCUM posters suffering from anxiety would do next in her friend’s shoes. I think she’s trying to get a feel for if the relationship is over or if this is the calm before the storm. Also, the less anxious posters are validating by saying friends shouldn’t be using friends as therapists. She’s probably trying to prepare herself for whatever might come next.

I get that some people aren’t good at social cues, but this friend trampled all over hints, then danced across that boundary set about the dinner party. If OP wants to spell it out and invite an argument, that’s fine, her choice. It won’t fix things, but if that’s what she wants to try, good on her. But if she wants to go cold and give responses with less than 5 words until her “friend” finally finds a new target for her issues, that also reasonable. The friend knows what happened. She was there. If she doesn’t have a decent enough grasp on reality to know why 30 texts and 4 calls in an hour during a dinner party are inappropriate, chances are she won’t take too kindly to any reasonable explanation OP can offer about boundaries or phone etiquette. Friend needs help, OP isn’t her therapist.

OP here,
And just like that she's back. Texted me this morning about getting together for lunch. I told her that I am busy this week and would let her know when I know my schedule for next week.

[Anonymous]

She texted you 30 times? Saying what?

That's nuts. But it's not surprising that she invited you to lunch after your snappy response. Your response was vague so she doesn't know where she stands. The invite is to test the waters with you. If you continue to be vague and snappy, maybe she'll get the hint and back away. But, having been on the receiving end of such texts, it would be preferable for you to just be honest and clear with her.

[Anonymous]

OP and DCUM are being jerks. Support your friend. Don’t play games with her. OP is being cagey and fake to a so called “friend”. Either be upfront and honest to your friend directly or else they are not your friend and you should let them know.

[Anonymous]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/dev/posts/list/1118568.page

Stop unloading on your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She texted you 30 times? Saying what?

That's nuts. But it's not surprising that she invited you to lunch after your snappy response. Your response was vague so she doesn't know where she stands. The invite is to test the waters with you. If you continue to be vague and snappy, maybe she'll get the hint and back away. But, having been on the receiving end of such texts, it would be preferable for you to just be honest and clear with her.

She sent a few texts saying “hey I know you’re busy but I have a question” then “please message me back!” Then “can you call me?” Then “I’m gonna call you again in 5 mins”, etc.

Everyone saying I’m being vague and cagey… I’m not. I told this person I had 12 people coming over and she wouldn’t even back off to give me the space to have a dinner party/game night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get a therapist and stop offloading my problems on a friend. Do you really not understand why someone would be over you constantly saddling them with your issues?

+10000

OP get a therapist. Stop mentally exhausting your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get a therapist and stop offloading my problems on a friend. Do you really not understand why someone would be over you constantly saddling them with your issues?

+10000

OP get a therapist. Stop mentally exhausting your friends.

Lol read the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a friend that you are always going to with your anxiety, concerns and problems starts getting a little snappy and withdrawn, what would you do?

She is also having a bad day. And needs you to listen too.

[Anonymous]

Obviously being subtle and vague isn't going to work with this one. Either have it out with her by being direct and not beating around the bush, or just block her and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you just back away is this someone you will see at work, kid activities, church, etc?

That number of calls and texts in a short time during a time you were clear you were entertaining sounds borderline, I wonder if she was triggered to not be invited? She has much bigger problems than you as a friend can address. I'd be strategic in exiting so you do not become a focus of rage or other unhinged behavior.