Braggadocios mother conveniently didn’t mention this bad news - - how to proceed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hey, Mom, bad things happened to Larla. You brag about her, but she lost her job and her husband has cancer. Hahahahaha!"

How stupid does that sound?

This is how I feel, minus the haha. I don’t find it funny. I don’t find it anything. I just find it - - something - - that my mother loves to brag for the sake of bragging but is silent about this since it’s not brag worthy. It’s not fun for me.

I doesn’t sound like this is about you.

What I’m trying to say is, it was apparent today that my mom is weaponizing these brags to hurt me, or at least that’s my perception now. She’s not just making conversation about this family member in general, or she would have mentioned it. I heard about how her random bingo friend had a tree fall through her house. I heard about how her neighbor came home with their car’s rear end smashed in. So she’s only telling me things to hurt me, not to inform me of her life in a general way.

So my question for you is why are you in regular contact with your mom at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll take Schadenfreude for $1000, Blossom.

Definitely this, but I can’t tell if OP’s schadenfreude is directed at her mom or her golden child relative. I’m leaning toward her mom.

That's because mom/sister are a system, it's not one or the other, it's a dysfunctional dynamic that has hurt OP. She doesn't speak to the sister, but her mom is still trying to use the sister to hurt her. The sister, well, she doesn't know she was raised to be a weapon, but she's good at it anyway.

OP is not a bad person. She's a person who is realizing that her mother, who's supposed to love and cherish her, does not. Obviously, emotions will be strong, negative and confusing!

Not you, PP, but I would love to see how well the other, hyper-critical PPs would deal with this situation in their own lives. Lack of understanding conveys stupidity. Intelligence is required for empathy. I am sorry for simple minded ignorance, it does the world no good.

OP, I get it. I can't tell you what's right for you. Personally, I cut loose my mother when I realized she did not love and/or is incapable of it. I didn't want that in my child's life. The responsibility for my child freed me of the feeling of obligation toward my mother.

Many people can't stand the truth, don't want to hear about real crap that happens ... sorry, can't help those people! You'll have critics no matter what you do. But whose opinions matter?

You sound like an utter fool. You and OP both need to stop letting your dysfunctional families of origin play such a big role in your adult life and work on moving on instead of dedicating so much time to admiring the problems that come with dysfunctional families of origin. Including carefully crafting a worldview in which everyone who thinks you should move on lacks empathy, intelligence, understanding, personal experience with familial dysfunction, and all the other things you’re projecting on everyone else.

All OP has done is come here anonymously to vent her uncomfortable feelings. This is a healthy action overall, except that she's doing it in an unsafe space with useless posters such as yourself. Hopefully OP is well enough, after being raised in a toxic family, to filter the good from the ugly/empty responses here.

When I see a post here I think I have something useful/empathetic to say, I will explain it. I am not "admiring" problems. I am giving hard-won perspective. You are offerring nothing but "move on" which is not simple, and if you really do have experience in this arena, you also have not moved on, show no evidence or work for it. You have hardened and shrunk and become poisoned.

[Anonymous]

Clinical psychologists with great information on this subject--it sounds like narcissistic grandiosity and vulnerability.

https://www.youtube.com/@DrDanielFox

https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani

[Anonymous]

I’m also a less favored child in my family. My parents have the good sense not to brag to me though. I do hear my mom bragging incessantly about all 3 of us kids to her friends though. It’s embarrassing her friends know so much about us. I think bragging about your kids accomplishments is a not a good look. I feel for you OP. I like others suggestion of next time you talk to mom, just say “have you spoken to x lately” and see how it goes - see if she can bring herself to acknowledge the bad. If not say something like “l feel bad for x…..”. Maybe it will help you feel better. The other thing is, you know you mom’s not going to change so accept it and try not to let it bother you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hey, Mom, bad things happened to Larla. You brag about her, but she lost her job and her husband has cancer. Hahahahaha!"

How stupid does that sound?

This is how I feel, minus the haha. I don’t find it funny. I don’t find it anything. I just find it - - something - - that my mother loves to brag for the sake of bragging but is silent about this since it’s not brag worthy. It’s not fun for me.

But that is what bragging is for….. to say the positive things. It would be gossipy for her to call just to tell you the set backs and negative things. But I suppose you would like that.

Would you like it if your mom constantly told this person all the not good things about you? She wouldn’t, because it’s not fun.

I don’t want to hear anything about this person at all, no discussion good or bad, I tell my mom as much and I repeat it when she disrespects my boundary. I don’t want to hear anything. But I do hear good and bad from friends, and I either share their joy or considerate with them. I just feel my mother brags about this person to spite me, and yeah, it hurts. She knows how this person has hurt me in the past and she doesn’t care.

So you don’t want to hear anything about this person, made that clear, she stopped sharing anything about this person….and now you are mad. Insanity.

[Anonymous]

I can understand initially taking a little petty satisfaction in the misfortunes of someone who has long been a thorn in your side, but I don't understand following the petty satisfaction with a public request for others to help you continue on down the path of pettiness.

None of this was ever about you: your sister's achievements weren't secret plans to hurt you, and your sister's problems don't exist for your benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand initially taking a little petty satisfaction in the misfortunes of someone who has long been a thorn in your side, but I don't understand following the petty satisfaction with a public request for others to help you continue on down the path of pettiness.

None of this was ever about you: your sister's achievements weren't secret plans to hurt you, and your sister's problems don't exist for your benefit.

Nailed it.

OP, re-read the post above if you're able to hear what it's really saying. If the relative isn't your sister, don't let that make you shut down to the perceptive take the PP has here.

Because you hate your mom (let's be blunt, you do, though you wrap it in details about her brags), you are taking pleasure in the misfortunes of someone who HERSELF has not bragged to you, as far as I can tell from the thread. The sad thing here is that your mom and your past with her have dulled or killed off any sense of empathy for someone who apparently has had some kind of serious (?) setbacks. I suspect you could muster at least a little empathy for a total stranger who had had [whatever these setbacks are]; however, you not only cannot muster empathy for this relative, you are feeling pleasure in those misfortunes since they help you "out" your mom's weaponized bragging. It sounds as if the relative has shown no toxicity toward you herself (or himself). You've lost all perspective which would help you separate your mom's issues from the rest of your life. If you're not in therapy, please, get it. You need an outside, professional perspective because you've lost your own.

By the way, when I talk about mustering any empathy for the relative I am not saying you need to rush to her side, call her, whatever. I'm only saying that your first instinct on hearing about bad things was to leap immediately to the idea that this confirms your mom's weaponization of brags. You made it about your mom and about you. Saying you're sorry to hear it BUT aha! That shows mom is cherrypicking her news! is not a good thing, OP. Where else has your relationship with your mom damaged your ability to feel things?

Is the bragging issue the main thing with your mom? Is she OK in any other ways? If not, why are you still in contact?

[Anonymous]

Not discussing in any capacity means bad and good.

[Anonymous]

I'm not going to talk you out of it, I think you should use both things ... but in a fake and sneaky way, as if you were concerned.

How many times have you reminded her you don't want to hear about this person? She's being mean on purpose.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. Your mom sounds toxic. But rubbing this in her face will likely not make you feel my better. However, fantasizing about how you would do that might make you feel better and hurts no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hey, Mom, bad things happened to Larla. You brag about her, but she lost her job and her husband has cancer. Hahahahaha!"

How stupid does that sound?

This is how I feel, minus the haha. I don’t find it funny. I don’t find it anything. I just find it - - something - - that my mother loves to brag for the sake of bragging but is silent about this since it’s not brag worthy. It’s not fun for me.

I doesn’t sound like this is about you.

What I’m trying to say is, it was apparent today that my mom is weaponizing these brags to hurt me, or at least that’s my perception now. She’s not just making conversation about this family member in general, or she would have mentioned it. I heard about how her random bingo friend had a tree fall through her house. I heard about how her neighbor came home with their car’s rear end smashed in. So she’s only telling me things to hurt me, not to inform me of her life in a general way.

That's good information to have. If you choose to stay in contact with your mom, remember it.

Also, the next time she brags I give you permission to say, "Oh good, I'm so glad to hear that. I've been so worried about Larla ever since she lost the house." Or whatever. Then your mom knows you know the other stuff too.

[Anonymous]

The mother needs to stop gossiping about others. If the relationship between OP and mother has no other substance than such gossip, it is a toxic relationship and both of them need to broaden their horizons.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure that your mom is aware of the bad news?

[Anonymous]

Two years ago I would have had the same reaction to OP’s post as most here are having. But, I was a victim of an extremely abusive narcissist in the work place since and now that I know how some people are just evil and have scapegoats and live to put others down I will say that I understand OP. Lies, insults, degrading others are a way of life for these sick people.
I don’t think you are the one with the problem op, your mom is seriously abusive towards you so that she can feel good about herself. I bet if you described more of your family dynamic more would come to light about the abuse. She seems to thrive in making you feel as low as she can.
Recovery is possible but will not be easy as you are used to this and still have not found a way to distance from your abuser/s.

[Anonymous]

Flying monkeys, that is what that other person is to your mom.